WHO AM I? (trigger)

HI  I am not sure what to say or share but I am always reluctant in new settings to be real  A challenge to be honest but here goes My eating habits changed dramatically by the age of 13 but prior to that I remember sitting at the table and having to finish my food even though I was full up ~ that meant I learnt early to ignore my body saying stop ~ at thirteen I began a walk of starvation which latest for fourteen weeks and until four years ago I didnt connect that when I came bulimic it was when I lost my baby through miscarriage ~ for years I battled alone no one knowing hiding it well and to be truthful when I asked for help no one believing I was struggling as much as I was as I give the impression of a coper to ppl on the outside world  twelve years ago I tried to battle out this mess on my own and finally got referred about 3 years ago to an eating disorder assessment but failed as at the time my food was ok well sort of anyway and as I wasnt binging minimum of 4 times a week I didnt meet the criteria for treatment and was told continue with the counsellor you have and the food regime and you will be fine what ppl failed to notice is I never ate in company unless it was family and I never stuck to a plan longer than fourteen weeks ~ I now recognise that is all related to my miscarriage as I was fourteen weeks pregnant  I have moved house and live in a rural setting and thought that would help and to a degree it does cuz come 6pm there is no food options unless it is in the house and I try to limit junk in my home I try to eat normal but fail all the time I want to get well as since I began disabled due to a genetic condition I have also lost the coping strategies when I binge of long walks or spring cleans which always prevented me gaining the wait from the cals I consumed as although I used laxative I never purged any other way as I couldnt not because I didnt try ~ now as a result of physical limitations I am 10stone (140lbs) heavier than when I was bulimic and dont use laxatives thus I dont meet the criteria for help I DO NOT WANT SURGERY I want a healthy relationship with food and a healthy body if at all possible  thats not all of my stuff but an outline sorry dont mean to upset or offend anyone and I hope I didnt I gonna send this b4 I have second thoughts God bless you Love and hugs Vicky

HI  Hi.  I am not sure what to say or share but I am always reluctant in new settings to be real  There is no need to hide here.  If you are serious about wanting to  make a change and are willing to do the work you will get all the help and support here that you could ever hope for. A challenge to be honest but here goes I am sorry to hear that you find it difficult to be honest.  Remember, the person you need to be MOST honest with is yourself. My eating habits changed dramatically by the age of 13 but prior to that I remember sitting at the table and having to finish my food even though I was full up ~ that meant I learnt early to ignore my body saying stop ~ at thirteen I began a walk of starvation which latest for fourteen weeks and until four years ago I didnt connect that when I came bulimic it was when I lost my baby through miscarriage ~ for years I battled alone no one knowing hiding it well and to be truthful when I asked for help no one believing I was struggling as much as I was as I give the impression of a coper to ppl on the outside world  Ok - here is where I have trouble understanding.  I *think* what you have said is that at age 13 you became pregnant and then miscarried at 14 weeks.  For 14 weeks after that you did not eat and then became bulimic.  A condition which you have endured until this day.  4 years ago you realized that the bulimia was the result of your emotional scar over the lost baby.  Is that correct? twelve years ago I tried to battle out this mess on my own and finally got referred about 3 years ago to an eating disorder assessment but failed as at the time my food was ok well sort of anyway and as I wasnt binging minimum of 4 times a week I didnt meet the criteria for treatment and was told continue with the counsellor you have and the food regime and you will be fine twelve years ago you began to try to conquer your eating disorder on your own but were unable to do so.  3 years ago you had an assessment done but you did not meet the criteria for the disorder because you binged *only* 4 times per week.  It was recommended that you continue with your food plan and see a counsellor.  Did you do that? what ppl failed to notice is I never ate in company unless it was family and I never stuck to a plan longer than fourteen weeks ~ I now recognise that is all related to my miscarriage as I was fourteen weeks pregnant  You are a secret eater and you binge in private.  You also believe that your tendency to eat well for 14 week periods is tied to your pregnancy.  I have moved house and live in a rural setting and thought that would help and to a degree it does cuz come 6pm there is no food options unless it is in the house and I try to limit junk in my home But during the day you go out and purchase junk to binge on and take it home to eat in private?  Or do you eat in public but alone? I try to eat normal but fail all the time I want to get well as since I began disabled due to a genetic condition I have also lost the coping strategies when I binge of long walks or spring cleans which always prevented me gaining the wait from the cals I consumed as although I used laxative I never purged any other way as I couldnt not because I didnt try ~ now as a result of physical limitations I am 10stone (140lbs) heavier than when I was bulimic and dont use laxatives thus I dont meet the criteria for help Because of a genetic condition you are now disabled and unable to move and exercise the way you once were.  Now with your limited movement you have gained 140 lbs.  You are still bingeing but have stopped the laxatives as well.  Because the NHS does not recognize compulsive overeating you do not qualify for treatment. I DO NOT WANT SURGERY The NHS would likely put you on a long waiting list anyway. I want a healthy relationship with food and a healthy body if at all possible  I dont know if anyone has ever told you this, but YOU have the power to change your life.  You have always had it.  There is no one who can *give* it to you.  You must be willing to put one foot in front of the other, so to speak and make the necessary changes - for a lifetime. thats not all of my stuff but an outline sorry dont mean to upset or offend anyone and I hope I didnt If you want to upset or offend someone you will have to work harder than that. So - onto more productive matters.  What are YOU doing to get healthy.  What changes are you making.  What food plan are you following?  What are YOU changing in your life, your surroundings, and your refrigerator. You moved to the country to get away from so much fast food.  That is a fantastic start.  What are you doing to avoid it before 6 pm?  What grocery choices are you making?  What grocery choices do you need to avoid? Come on then - out with it.  Tell us what your plan is.

 

WOW I can say I Love You thank you for that it is really helpful ok yes you got it miscarried at the time  it wasnt that I was only binging 4 times a week it was that I didnt binge at least 4 times a week at that time I have managed to change that yes I did stick to it for a while but stopped counselling as wasnt making the progress I wanted and felt I wanted to try some other things also I moved to area of limited choices after certain times but trust me the chinese deliver here and if i wanted to I would eat that  what have I dont to change since I moved here I dont buy the junk anymore I started to when I first came here for the kids visits (nieces/nephew) yeah I know you got it good excuse not so I realised that they would get 10%-80% of it depending on how well I was doing so last week they came and I didnt get that stuff in I treated them out to lunch in moderation for us all was still pizza but controlled portions and instead of chocolate and crisps which was our habit I gave them a price limit and they chose a toy Much more constructive and beneficial to all of us  My food has altered several times since here so wont go in to what I have done but what the next steps are for me 1.  Cut out complex carbs by next monday (22nd) 2.  Cut out red meat 3.  Cut out dairy 4.  Start juice fast? under nutritionist who I see monday 15th after that no idea will be guided by her  Also I have started to swim again its still a lil hit and miss as I went four times then couldnt go three weeks as I had open wounds then went twice last week couldnt go friday as timetable changed and I didnt know cuz of being away for a while so schools were in but am adjusting that to accomodate so plan of swim is monday wednesday and friday (excluding 19th as funeral to go to) and finally I thought of doing pilates but am aware having spent time with the instructor its nothing different from what I have from consultant for my genetic disorder so am going to do it at home beginning tomorrow no not the one that never comes the 14th October tomorrow :-) other than that I need to face some of my demons and fears of ppl judging me on issues I have lived through and how I feel about them also such as the miscarriage mentioned in this thats about all so far I have decided on  any other suggestions welcome God bless you Love and hugs Vicky

Thank you for giving us an idea on who ya are. God love you, you have been through a lot.

Please allow me to offer up random  thoughts here:

1.  To be pregnant at age 13 and lose the baby is pretty traumatic on so many levels. I know I am out on a thin limb by even going here, but no daughter of mine would be allowed to carry a baby at that age. I would insist on a therapeutic abortion from our family doctor.  (Don't get me wrong, I am not exactly in favor of abortion as much as this kind of situation is exactly what it should be used for.) ALL of us would then get directly to counseling. Your body and mind was not ready for such activity. I am no psych major, but anyone can see that you have not healed spiritually or emotionally. My mind also goes to another place:  were you molested as a younger girl? So very often girls who seek sexual acticity at such a young age have been.  2.  You are SO not ready for WLS.  You are as you say, running around with an unDX'd food disorder. As I said to Christa, first things first.  In my mind, let go of the notion of losing weight for now. It appears that you need to learn or be taught how to eat within the realm of normal first. I hope with all my heart that your nutritionist that you mention is not a whack job who will prescribe fasting and disallowing complex carbs or any other food group.  3.  you also need to attend to your other health issue: the genetic thing.  With no further information, it is not clear whether this is treatable by meds or not. If so, make sure that your dosage is right, or check on new meds. 4.  I would say work on:  a.  learning what a portion of complex carbs looks like. Plan on at 3 servings every day. b.  planning at least two lowfat dairy options every day. c.  planning at least 1 cup of leafy green each day d.  planning at least an additional 2 cups of any other kind of veggies every day, including potatoes, corn, sweet potatoes to be worked in at least a few times a week. e.  eating 1-2 pieces of fresh or frozen fruit every day f.  drinking water between meals, at least 6 -8 ounce glasses g.  eating 2-3 servings of lean protein, whether it's eggs, chicken, pork, beef, fish.  h. be mindful of added fat: keep it to a minimum but don't cut it out entirely. Butter more often than margarine, light mayo, dressings made with canola or olive oils ideally. read labels and hydrogenated oils of any kind, no go. i.  taking a multi vitamin j.  walking at least 30 minutes a day, however that looks like:  3 - 10 minutes, or 2 - 15 minute. k.  Some kind of conditioning exercise like push ups or crunches or ? 10 minutes a day. 5 to start.  Now, how can anybody find time or energy to eat the crappy stuff????  I ask you.  Again, God love you, Dear Vicky. May you fight hard to battle these demons.  PS:  I also vote that you change that DREADFUL name ratbag. You are a child of god and i would hope that there is a handle that more fully describes the being you are and/or want to become.

Hi ummm wow thats a lot to process might take me a while and first things first my family didnt know I was pregnant I never told anyone til years later  the nutritionist is someone who will cut out red meats and dairy and suggest that I have a juice fast for a while  the other things of the nic I have umm wouldnt know how to change that here without umm having to rejoin if that makes sense ok sorry not sure what else to say  thanks for ur reply though like I said its a lot to take in and not really sure where to start except answering those few things God bless you Love and hugs Vicky

I must apologize, maybe i did prattle on too much. I do not judge you, please know that. You have a lot to weed through, it appears. The longer one lives, the more questionable situations exist - we all have some skeletons in our closets. I WISH i could go back and re-do many things. EDIT: Your trauma about the baby does not HAVE to be connected to your healthier path now. You can change behaviors AND have those issues to work through - two separate things that need work. We've have many a discussion on this board about how depression affects weight loss. I stand by what I say that when we are at our best state of mind, we will be more successful at healthier living. If that means counseling and meds for depression, i say why not be more successful at feeling more stable? I will comment that your nutritionist may be trying to see if you have food allergies...let's hope so. Perhaps she will beging to re-introduce foods slowly to see what you can eat for the rest of your life without being a trigger food. If only the deletion of dairy and red meats, that is not too wild. That can be a reasonable approach to healthy eating. It's not for me, but i see the jsutification of that approach.  I'll try to speak more concisely. I am truly sorry.

Hi  dont b sorry I just realised I couldnt answer all that in one go  I liked ur post it was positive as well as challenging I need to lose weight I was given six months to lose and that was back in July so over half way through it and he wanted surgery as I have osteo-arthritis in my spine  I am feeling down but then I had a bereavement last wednesday I am on a chocolate blip this weekend which is bad I know but monday is another day another start to get it right  I dont do meds of any kind ~ I  c a herbalist though I need to get back to eating normally and healthy I dont know if thats the right way with the nutritionist or not as it could be me looking for a quick fix but will c what she has to share thats about all I think  thanks God bless you Love and hugs Vicky