Time to rant, confess, self appreciate and frustrate.

Well, it's been a long month.. most of which Beth has been privy to as each day goes by. I started at about 310.. .today I'm 286, but most of the loss has happened since Sept 1.  Yes, I've been hitting really low calories and exercising as much as I can so I expected a bit more loss at the onset.  Oh I know it'll slow down dramatically but right now I'm at a standstill.. not just that, but my TOM actually put 5 or 6 pounds back on and I don't know if that's normal or not.  It also makes me feel like I'm back peddling.. and I get very discouraged.  I say to myself "what the heck am I doing this for ... I could be eating that roast I made for dinner.. or having a glop of mashed potoes......................  then I get out the shaved turkey and hit up the watermelon (which is spiking my sugar, but it's so low in calories that it's really a tough decision.. yanno..the lesser of two evils). Having an addictive personality to begin with leads me to believe that I can get addicted to eating right and exercising, but when God was handing out patience, I didn't even look at the line, nevermind jump up and down yelling "pick me.. pick me". If it's not too personal... how many pounds does everyone else put on at that TOM?  Is this average?  How long does it take to go away?  I keep looking it up but can't find any direct answers! What really freaks me out are the fluctuations.  Confession:  I'm a scale hopper.  Beth suggested I get on it once a week I think... and I guess my best bet would be to put it up high somewhere where I can't reach it and am too afraid to cllimb on anything afraid that it won't hold my weight to get it down.   My frustrations got the best of me and I hit up some xanax.  I don't need the pain killers right now .. I think the exercise is helping to relieve a lot of the discomfort, but I don't want to feel these frustrations either. The long and the short... I'm making progress, but getting very frustrated at the fluctuations.  I am making the most serious effort I have ever made and I just want to see the numbers go down, down down down down... not down up down up up up down up down down.. yanno? Thanks for indulging the rant. Be Blessed Lori

On September 30, 2007 at 2:16 PM Pacific Time, LVS wrote:

Well, it's been a long month.. most of which Beth has been privy to as each day goes by. I'm glad to see you here - I was getting worried! I started at about 310.. .today I'm 286, but most of the loss has happened since Sept 1.   That is phenomenal progress! Yes, I've been hitting really low calories and exercising as much as I can so I expected a bit more loss at the onset.  Oh I know it'll slow down dramatically but right now I'm at a standstill.. not just that, but my TOM actually put 5 or 6 pounds back on and I don't know if that's normal or not.  It also makes me feel like I'm back peddling.. and I get very discouraged.   VERY VERY normal. I say to myself "what the heck am I doing this for ... I could be eating that roast I made for dinner.. or having a glop of mashed potoes......................  then I get out the shaved turkey and hit up the watermelon (which is spiking my sugar, but it's so low in calories that it's really a tough decision.. yanno..the lesser of two evils). You are doing this to be healthier, not just thinner.  Every day on plan brings you closer to those goals. Having an addictive personality to begin with leads me to believe that I can get addicted to eating right and exercising, but when God was handing out patience, I didn't even look at the line, nevermind jump up and down yelling "pick me.. pick me". Doesnt matter if you are addicted - you just need to be committed! If it's not too personal... how many pounds does everyone else put on at that TOM?  Is this average?  How long does it take to go away?  I keep looking it up but can't find any direct answers! I used to put on as much as 10 or 15 lbs and would lose all of that within a day or two of actually starting my period.  The last 2 months (since I changed my eating habits) I put on about 2 lbs and ose it all and a bit more.  I think that everyone is different, but we all retain water as part of PMS.

What really freaks me out are the fluctuations.  Confession:  I'm a scale hopper.  Beth suggested I get on it once a week I think... and I guess my best bet would be to put it up high somewhere where I can't reach it and am too afraid to cllimb on anything afraid that it won't hold my weight to get it down.   I weigh daily.  every AM after I go to the toilet and before I get in the shower.  For me it is helpful to see the fluctuations, and I dont worry about it.  I have a deal with myself... unless the scale goes UP 4 days in a row I wont worry.  I dont weigh at different times of the day though, because I know it means nothing. My frustrations got the best of me and I hit up some xanax.  I don't need the pain killers right now .. I think the exercise is helping to relieve a lot of the discomfort, but I don't want to feel these frustrations either. No pain pills?  that is a sign of being healtier!  WAY TO GO!  But am I hearing you right?  Xanax for scale worries???  The long and the short... I'm making progress, but getting very frustrated at the fluctuations.  I am making the most serious effort I have ever made and I just want to see the numbers go down, down down down down... not down up down up up up down up down down.. yanno? Enjoy the success, try to forget the rest. Thanks for indulging the rant. Any time!

No... xanax for stress.  I'm getting too stressed out.. like there's an urgency to get rid of this weight so I can get back in the world and get back to work and become a productive member of this household.   Also... I don't sleep well... and I wanted to coast through the day so sleep might come easier.  The intense housecleaning just didn't do it for me today.  Maybe tomorrow I'll chop some wood and get the wood pile ready for winter. I cleared out one veggie garden this past sunday, but I still have broccoli and carrots growning in the other along with the spice so I'm hesitant to touch that one.  I don't even want to go sit out on the porch.....ah.. just having a bad few days I guess. I feel guilty as anything tonight as I mowwed down SERIOUSLY on watermelon tonight.  I started with measuring, then went in and got the entire container and just sat there and ate it mindlessly.  I couldn't even tell ya how much it actually was but it sure was self-sabotage... grrrrrrrrrrrr  I just couldn't be happy with 8 oz.. or even 16oz.... I had to grab the entire container?  And I sat there... mindlessly, chomping one chunk after the other until it was empty.  What on earth makes me do these things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  It's not like I was hungry.... I just wanted to chomp something cool and refreshing.  Boy that scale will reflect this tomorrow, and I'll be upset all over again. I mean... it could have been worse.. it could have been chips or chocolate or something I guess, but all tha****ermelon is gonna make me back peddle even more. Sometimes it's hard to remember that tomorrow is a new day.  frustrating...................

i personally think it's better to mow thru a container of watermelon than a bag of chips or M & M's. don't be so hard on yourself.

Girl... you rprogress is wondeful... you should be very encouraged!!!!  I am proud of you!!!  To be honest exercise is a good stress reliever.... it releases toxins.... (do not ask me how... cause I do not know)....  I read that our bodies can fluxuate 5 pounds with the day... that is freaky....  so try not to wig out about it... I normally gain about 5 with TOM.... which I hate... but I know it will go away!!  I am a scale hopper.. I weight my self like Violamom.... I strip down bootay naked.... after emptying the bladder..... in the morning....   Stay encouraged Lori.. you are really doing good and we all have to have patience with this weight loss thing..... it sucks but we will be healthier for it!!! Stay Blessed

WOW! You're doing fabulous! 24 pounds in a month. That is incredible! And as the TOM and 5-6 pounds totally normal it's that time for me and I looked at the scale I am also up like 5 pounds which I know will go away in a couple of days because it is that time. So just keep on going girly you're doing wonderful! Just think...24 pounds next month and so on...Holy Bajeepers!

Sounds to me like your doing REALLY WELL! 24 pounds is GREAT! The TOM thing... I was wondering the same thing. I am at the tail end of my TOM and I am not UP any weight- but I'm not DOWN any either :(  And I have kept very well in my point range with WW. I thought I'd be UP... but I also thought by now I might have LOST some of the water/bloating. I am trying to weigh only on my weigh in date (Mondays) and once in awhile I weigh like around Wed/Thurs just to see how things are going. I don;t use ANY weight to chart- except the one on Monday.  I do think I'll still work REALLY HARD on things through today- ALL my water and hope to P some off by tomorrow morning- that will help give me incentive while on my trip. If I can just SEE ONE pound leave... I'll be SO HAPPY!   My goal was to loose 15 before I left... I've lost 14. Anyhow- hang in there! It really looks/sounds as though you are doing very well! It's just SO HARD to see the fluctuations.... it is very hard. But in the BIG picture... you really ARE doing GREAT girl!!!

I just want to feel human again.  Yanno, I say that to normal weight people and they say "you ARE human".  It's hard for them to understand that this weight keeps me from living like a human.  Doctors won't see me, people look at me funny..  It's hard to get a salesperson to talk to me.... people avert their eyes like I have death rays shooting from my ears or something.   I'm trying to see the positive... but I also feel how hard it is.. and it's not so much the eating, it's the moving around.  I want to do more..... and I went and checked out this GORGEOUS Gold's gym up here and my my my it's the most clean gym I've ever seen.  It even has a seperate "ladies only" room.. saunas, lap pool.. the whole 9 yards....... but I don't have the courage to get out there like this although I need to mix it up a little.  Soon enough my body will adapt to that bike and the weight loss will stop dead....  I just hope that's not what's happening now. Sorry.. just feeling out of sorts with this... was hoping to be 280 by now......  first thing this morning the scale said 284.2 (but my scale hopping got me discouraged again when it said 285.6)...  Wil I EVER learn. Thanks folks...thanks for the indulgence... God Bless you all! Lori

GIrl you need to get a grip on yourself!  You have lost ALOT of weight.  You are moving better than you were a month ago.  In another month you will be moving even better!

The other thing you need to do is to find a way to believe you are worthy.  If you hold your head high and ACT like you deserve respect people will give it to you - regardless of size.