A's and W's, Bells and Queens

Yesterday was a wonderful day.  It was payday, and so I got my "ME" allowance.  I had made plans to treat myself well all afternoon... and then I had my women's networking meeting in the evening. The first problem in the day started when I forgot my lunch.  It was at home, in my cooler....  on the table. I decided, that I really thought I could handle myself though, after 6 weeks of no crap foods I believed that I could have lunch out and be ok. So I researched online what might be ok to eat at A&W and decided that as a treat I would have a small cheeseburger and a small fry and a small diet root beer.  It seemed reasonably sensible and the smallest meal one can have in a fast food joint.  On my way to the hairdresser I ordered the planned meal and ate it.  I enjoyed it very much and wasnt even able to finish the fries!!  I was full.  Stuffed.  Satiated. Had a nice relazing time at the hairdressers, got my hair cut and styled.  I love it.  yipee.  So far so good.  I left the hairdressers and bought a new pair of shoes.  happiness is a wad of cash and a day spent with oneself right?? Off to the estetician now, got my brows done, and we played in the makeup.  By the time I left I was GEORGOUS I tell ya.  Bought myself some youngblood mineral powder and blush while I was there - Stopped at the grocery on my way back to the office and bought a lovely bottle of wine for the women's networking group (or is it a netdrinking group?). Back at the office I was pleased to find that the place had not fallen apart in my absence.  I signed a few forms and returned a call before heading out to see the ladies. Then I had a very sensible thought - "We are going to be drinking tonight." I said. Self responded "And we havent had a drink in 6 weeks." Me chimed in "And we haven't eaten since that burger HOURS ago. we should really grab something on the way so we don't get drunk and make an ass out of ourselves and get a DUI on the way home.  It is never good if the Allstate agent gets a DUI!" So me myself and I pulled into the taco bell because it was the only sensible thing to do.  We saw the cheesy beefy burrito and I said "mmmm cheesy beefy" "Well.... we had red meet once already today, and once a week is our limit" chided myself. "then we shall have the cheesy chickeny burrito for 60 cents extra" me compromised.  The lady inside must have heard us because she asked us to pull forward. It was good.  Very cheesy, very chickeny....  I wonder how many calories that cost us! No time to think on that.  The women were waiting.  2 hours later I had had 2 glasses of lovely wine, some salami filled with a soft cheese skewered with frilly toothpicks and 4 peppridge farm crackers. "Oh my, we really blew it"  I said on the way home "Well let's call it a planned cheat day and just enjoy it and move on" myself suggested. Me chimed in "then let's make it a day and hit Dairy Queen on the way home!" So a pecan mudslide was ordered and enjoyed very much.   So I was feeling guilty about falling off the wagon this morning.  I was almost afraid to enter it all into the daily plate.  But I did. "2,645 CALORIES" I screamed.  "That is 1000 more than we are supposed to eat!" "But so much less than we used to eat on a hog wild day'" added myself  "We ordered a small cheeseburger and ate half a small fry, we didn't supersize a double quarterpounder meal" "And we didn't buy candy at the grocery store, we didnt get nachos or any other goodies at the Taco Bell and we didnt eat like pigs at the buffet at networking" said me said "And if we had just stopped before going to Dairy Queen we would have saved 650 calories and really been ok." I added, realizing that this had really been only a small slip in 6 weeks of success that would soon become 7.

You are right on the attitude of "slipping" only once in 6 weeks.  I think that line of thinking is the only thing that is going to help us to succeed. Now, onto the constructive criticism, which I know you will take as such. Instead of pulling up into the fast food lanes I would have stopped at a grocery store and picked up some sliced turkey and cheese, cheese sticks, apples, protein bar, etc.  NO it doesn't sound like so much fun compared to cheeseburgers, fries and icecream.  But for me the others are not an option. 

Just my two cents!!!!

Congratulations on the 6 weeks!

Of course you are correct.  And in hindsight I believe that allowing myself a treat (no matter how well planned) created a slippery slope. The treat for the day should have been the wine, salami and cheese and I should have kept as close to schedule as possible by doing things like stopping at the grocery deli for turkey and a cheese slice or an apply yougurt dip thingy BOTH times I ate.  One fatty fast food meal, led me to believe that another was ok and that ice cream was a "might as well" But it is from these mistakes we learn, right?  and if One is going to adopt healthy eating attitudes for life then one must take a moment to 'digest' what One has eaten (pun very intended).

So I made bad choices, I recognize them, but instead of letting it derail me I am going to let it make me stronger for today and tomorrow. Plus, I'm out of money so unless I want to rob a McDonalds.....

DonnaMarie, You must be the most disciplined person on this site.  Just curious, how long has it been since you had a cheeseburger, fries or a real ice cream?  Your mind in a lot of ways doesn't  seem like a person who once weighed 350 lbs.  You amaze me. Brenda

hi Brenda, I had this conversation with my SO the other day.  I asked him if he realized how long it had been since I'd had a cheeseburger, fries or a real icecream.  I've eaten turkey burgers without the bun but no hamburger made with red meat.  I've eaten sweet potatoe fries twice.  I have eaten sugar free/fat free fudgesicles but I won't eat sugar free/fat free icecream.   Sometimes I upset myself because I realize that I do one day have to learn how to eat like a normal person.  Then I wonder what normal is and I realize that this IS my normal.  I no longer consider those types of foods as part of my food choices.  I am not a flexible person and there is no little bit for me. It's either all or nothing and therefore I choose nothing.  I have really had to look at food as nutrition and not as a past time.  If I can do that it loses its excitement for me. The other day I went out with another couple and my SO to a Motorcycle Show.  The pickings were "fair food" mostly, so I abstained.  Afterwards they wanted to go to DQ and we did.  They got cones and waffle sundaes and I got one of those 50 calorie sugar/fat free fudge bars.  I was slightly angry but to me that 1/2 hour was over in no time and I didn't have to worry about it beyond the time it took me to eat the ice cream bar. Am I an angel?  Hell no.  But my transgressions come in the form of one too many spoonfuls of peanut butter, an extra 90 calorie granola bar, an extra handful of nuts or a few too many slices of cheese.  My transgressions come in the fact that I have to sneak that food so nobody sees me eating it.  I am in no way healed of my compulsive eating disorder, but I make strides every single day.   The other day I was asked what motivates me. I have been successful in keeping this weight off for over 15 months.  I took it off in 12 and have kept it off for 15 more.  I pray to god I never return to almost 400 pounds.  I told them that I remember far too well how it felt to be that super morbidly obese and even though I haven't reached my real goal, this is where I need to stay.  I still have chronic pain in my knees.  I fell yesterday while walking after my knee gave out.  I didn't look very graceful I am sure, but I felt a lot more graceful then if I had fallen at 350+ pounds.  I am looking at another set of knee surgeries, I pray to god they work.   Sorry for rambling.  I don't want anyone to ever think I am perfect, but I have learned so much about myself, about nutrition, about exericse and about how I want to live.  I wish everyone one day finds the peace I have found.   You humble me when you say I amaze you.  Sometimes I am in awe that I was able to actually do this.  If I could bottle it and share it I would give it to every single person who struggles, because inside I'm always going to be the super morbidly obese me. Donna

I wish I woulda known about the fudgesicles.... although I am not sure it would have changed my order

"I have been successful in keeping this weight off for over 15 months.  I took it off in 12 and have kept it off for 15 more.  I pray to god I never return to almost 400 pounds.  I told them that I remember far too well how it felt to be that super morbidly obese..." You know I remember a little.  I wish I remembered more of what it felt like.  I spent about 10 years of my life being morbidly obese.  The last 3 1/2 have been about slowly losing and changing the lifestyle.  Maybe becuase it has taken me longer, I don't really remember as well.  I remember my feelings and thought process when things went wrong....like breaking a chair,or taunts/stares from someone...but I don't remember what it actually feels like to weigh 428lbs.  It's still weird  to look at pictures of me back then and think, wow, that was me.  It's almost surreal.  Sometimes I wiesh I could put on one of those fat suits just to really feel again where I was  (And then throw it off to be even more thankful for the changes I've made!).  Anyway, Donna, you're great!  And I always look forward to reading your responses because they are always honest and from the heart. 

yup, you summed it up nicely by noting that the DQ stop was the kiss of death. Oh well, but that is what i have loved about fitday and journaling in general...what a great way to see it right there. Seeing it on paper also has comforted me. Like you say, to see a 2100 cal day, I can live with that. Not exactly a loss day, unless i had been biking all day, but not a disaster! I once fitday'ed Thanksgiving and came out to about 2700 caloires.  I was stunned it was that little.