just letting some things out and some pictures

So this weekend, I went to a family party and there were people there who haven't seen me in a year or two.  They were very polite and said I looked good. But some of them wouldn't let go of the fact that I did this without surgery.  They kept saying it was not possible. And then, stupid me, tells them, well, I did have my excess hanging tummy skin removed this summer.  And to them, that was it.  I HAD SURERY.  It didn't matter, that I lost over 200lbs before I had ps.  To them it was, uh huh, see, I knew she had to have had some kind of surgery.   And then, everyone kept asking me why I'm not married yet!! I better find a man soon.  I'm getting older now and it's not as easy....blah....blah....blah.....And I guess that wouldn't bother me if they would have asked me that 220 lbs ago as well.  But, in their eyes, who's gonna marry the fat girl.  Now that I'm realatively "normal", it's, why can't you find a man.   Also, I had my chin/neck lift this summer and am very happy with it.  I also had a belt lipectomy to get rid of all my excess tummy skin and some back overhang.  It looks great, but I'm having some complications and going to need a revision. I'm in a lot of pain. All of this has made for a very emotional weekend for me.  I am usually a tough cookie and suck it up.  But, I cried a lot this weekend.  So, I took all my old fat pictures out to help me remind myself that I am a different person now, but somehow that didn't give the boost  I needed.  Part of me wished to be that happy-go-lucky, nieve, smiling big girl again.  It is so hard to change your mind and the way you think about yourself. I'm actually going to call my doc and ask for a therapist recommendation.   Anyway, I feel much better getting this out.  Thank you so much for listening to me rant and rave.   I have posted some photos of what I looked like before I changed my eating and exercising habits 3 years ago.  if your interested in looking, they are on my profile.

Katy, Katy, Katy..... I have tears in my eyes picturing the pain you're going through. I saw your pictures, and can NOT even imagine how much blood, sweat, and tears you've been through in the years of your weight loss.  You are awesome!!!!!   I am sooo jealous of your acomplishments!  I hope you are damn proud of yourself for doing so well. Do me a favor....go to a mirror and look at yourself and give yourself a BIG smile.  You deserve it.  And if you were here with me, I'd give you a big hug and kiss.  You're the bomb, chicky!!!!!!! And don't you EVER forget it!!!!!! With envy, Bren

Thank you Bren!  I feel better after just writing it all out.  I am one of those people that tend to hold things in. In reality, they weren't trying to hurt my feelings.  I am just at a very sensitive point right now and am not sure why. But thank you again, I so appreciate your kind words and your hugs!

Oh my gosh! I SO agree with mzclaus!  You have worked SO HARD to get where you are. I cannot imagine what you have gone through. You should be SO PROUD of yourself! You are such an inspiration to so many! And to top it off....... YOU ARE BEAUTIFIUL!  (((((hugs)))))

Thank you.  I guess it's not that I'm not proud of my accomplishments, I was just having a bad weekend and I broke.  I am glad that I can come here and vent though.  It really did help to let it out to people who understand.  Thanks for the hugs.  I really needed them.

i can definitely empathize with the party/having surgery thing. especially since whenever i go to family events, there are 2 of my relatives who have had GBS and are like 120 lbs (i think they look awful, but that's a whole other story). it sucks but don't let it bother you too much or invalidate your experience and hard work. as humans, we have to make things fit into the way we understand them. most likely, some of the people at the party have tried to lose weight and could not - the only way to make sense of your amazing accomplishment is to say you did it with the one thing they probably haven't done - surgery. it makes people feel better and preserve their own sense of self-esteem and self-efficacy. don't let that get you down. and i've learned its just better not to mention the PS to them either. i'm also sorry to hear about your complications. what's going on? i hope you have a good doc who is taking care of you. don't worry too much about revisions at this point - just focus on feeling better first. i am glad that you are seeking therapy  (if i read your profile right) and i really hope you are able to find a good match and work through some of the emotional issues involved in this journey (lord knows there are a lot of them).  i also hear you on the why aren't you married question. forget that - how about why don't you have a boyfriend? why aren't you dating more? its like now that i'm not morbidly obese, there is no excuse..... you have done so well - don't be sad! no tears!  

Thank you Andy.  I knew you had a sense of what I am feeling becuase you've been there.  I tend to hold it all in and try to put it past me.  But this weekend was my tipping point, I don't know why now and not over the past 3 years.  Honestly I never felt this way as I was losing the weight, with all the ups and downs.  It seems like right after surgery, my hormones and emotions went crazy and I can't get them under control.  I hate it.  I am going to talk with my surgen about it as well as get a recommendation to see a therapist to talk with.  I just think at this point in time, it is what is healthy for me to do emotionally.   In regards to my surgery, my incision line is right where the thigh and abdomen meet  becuase I also had a mons lift.  (imagine sitting and right where the bend is in your legs and abd. is where the incision is).  Well, I have a small infection in that area and there is hardening around the incision in that area as well form thigh to thigh and lower into the mons area.  I am not happy.   The doctor is not happy with the way it is healing either.  It is painful to walk.  I start teaching this week as well!  My doc says he wants to do a revision as soon as it heals, but the reality is I can't do it until I'm on winter break.   So, this is me sucking it up.  I've had my cry and I want and need to move on.  I gotten past worst.  The thing that gets me is, I really don't know why this is bothering me so much. I am going to be honest here, I was prepared to die when I was having brain surgery---so why all the drama for this??? I don't know.I think part of it has to do with the fact that I have spent so much of my life making goals to lose weight and be more healthy, that now that I'm pretty much there (although I still want to lose 30-40 more pounds) I don't know what I should be doing next.  It dawned on me today at dinner with my friend when she asked me what my goals where for the next year, and I really didn't have a clue.  Something for me to work on.  Anyway, Thanks Andy, and....um... why aren't you dating more????  JK

okay let's not even get started with the whole dating world. blah. it makes sense all of this is coming up now - i know donna and i have discussed this on the board before - now that the weight loss is done and the PS is done (for all intents and purposes) now what? when you have focused so much on this one thing for so long, its easy to get despondent about what to do now. plus the idea that the work is just beginning and that you'll have to do it for the rest of your life. weight maintenance SUCKS. and i'm sure you had brain surgery because you had to - to either not die or to alleviate certain symptoms. you had to do it. PS you didn't have to do - so when there is complications there is sort of a feeling of "well i did this to myself." plus with all the drugs, anestesia (i don't think i will ever learn how to spell that), immobility, dissapointment - post-op depression is pretty common. i know i was much more emotional in those first 8 weeks post-op. plus you can't exercise etc which most of us have come to depend on as a form of emotional release. it sounds like your doc is being attentive though which is great. it sucks to have to work it around a school schedule, but it can be done. the revision recovery won't be nearly as hard as the original.  i would encourage you to think of some new life goals. specific, measureable, attainable, realistic and timely - SMART - i think that is it. do you want to learn to knit? go back to school? run a half marathon? benchpress 150 lbs? you just have to take a look and see where you want to go from here now that you don't have the obvious goal of losing weight and becoming healthy.

Like it's easy to find a person to marry at any weight? I'll bet most of them have/had married in haste and are now repenting in leisure JUST to say they are married.  Real love waits, Beautiful Katy! The man of your dreams waits for you just as you are. So many people I know who married in their 20's are NOT married now in their 40's. I fail to see the difference. I myself should have waited YEARS but no, i marry the first creepo who looked at me twice - that's how little i valued myself.

BTW, i was a size 9....and look I got a creep. Family can be sooooo depressing. Dry your tears and be yourself.

Kisses Neecee!  Thank you!  (Truthfully,  I am not so  ready yet, but do believe, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.)   Oh a size 9!  I know I was never that size!  Maybe when I was in third grade, lol.  After that it was 12's, 14's and 16's in grammar school and HS.