goodbye for now

I am going to step away from the board for awhile. My DH has informed me today that he wants a divorce b/c he thinks I'm cheating on him. My hopes and desire to lose weight just went out the door and I'm sorry, I don't care anymore....thank you all for your support in the past.

Heather, I don't know if you are going to be able to read this.  I have no idea what is going on in your life, so I pass no judgement on your husband or what he believes.  I can only say that please don't give up on YOU!!!  Do what it takes to save your marriage, if that is what you want, but don't give up on Heather.  You are far too important. Please let us know if you are okay.

Heather!  Dont go. You need support now more than ever... not just for food/eating/wls but for LIFE.   Does DH give any reason why he would believe that you are cheating?  has the weight loss made him afraid that you are cheating?  Does he think that you are coming onto this site to meet people? I am so very sorry that your husband is behaving this way - I really really hope that you will stay and get the support you need.

Please don't give up.  My husband does the same thing to me.  I think they do it because they are afraid if we lose weight we won't put up with them anymore.  Some men are good at mind games.  I lost a ton of weight in the 90's with phen-fen and my husband couldn't do enough for me.  That lasted only for a little while.  Don't give up or he wins.

Whether he is correct or not, whether he wants out or not, whether HE is rational or not-- in the end, you will still have YOU-- and that's the greatest asset you can bring to this or any relationship. You need to stay strong, and focus on your own health and sanity. No man can take those from you without your consent. Doing what is right for your body is not predicated on the desires of one man, or many, but on your need for self-care. You don't do it because he wants it, or because they want it. but because it's right for you.

At the very least you will need space in your head, and to curb the depression-- so walk--- a lot. Wal****il you can't walk anymore. Stomp if you have to. You're going to need strong muscles anyway, say...just in case you need to kick his ass. Don't isolate. Ramp up, build courage, listen to the people around you. Let people help you with what they've learned. I'm so very sorry about the pain you must be feeling. It's excrutiating, I know...but you will get through it.

Thank you for your words --- no he's not right. He cheated on me the first 5 years of our marriage emotionally. He'd meet girls on the internet and would either tell them he was a single guy living life or he'd tell them he was married, but that his wife was a horrible mother and was out whoring around on him. I swear on everything in me I wasn't and I would like to think I'm a good mom! In 2005, when he was deployed to Iraq, I needed to log into his email for some trivial reason I can't even remember exactly, but found a message from some girl who was in love with him and was calling him on his cell phone while he was in IRAQ!  I wanted a divorce, I lost a bunch of weight --- he begged me to forgive him and we ended up back together. I said something really stupid when he got back to hurt him - I told him I cheated once with a major - but I didn't. I lashed out and said it to hurt him. Now, he's brought that back up and won't let it go and wants a divorce. I just can't take it anymore. I just want to give up on everything!

Oh Heather I am so sorry you are going through this.  It sounds like you have done all you can for now.  Be strong and take care of you.  I know it will be difficult, but try not to give up and don't forget all the hard work you have done and the great accomplishments you are making every day.  We are with you, for you, whenever you need us.  Take care honey.

okay...so sounds like he identifies with people who do meet people via internet! Cuz he's done it, could be doing it now still and perhaps has a lil honey in the wings as we speak who he thinks is the ONE.   Regardless, I say let him walk.  yes, you will hurt for a while...and being a single mom to young kids is not fun&games.  But I am here to tell you you will survive. Do not beg him to stay in your life; he'll be the big loser on this one.  Who needs this crazy assed accusations and circular bull****  Love should not be this hard...a lesson I have at long last learned. Girl, i can tell you stories.  Of course, it is not ME in this marriage, so if YOU have any doubts whatsoever and want to try one more time to keep your family together, by all means, leave no stone unturned to try to save your marriage.  Meanwhile, take of yourself, even if it means coming here and he reads all your posts, big deal. But i come back to: Love should not be this hard.

I dont know your husband... he may or may not be like my ex...  so I will tell you (some of) what my ex did and you can draw lines to similarities or not. My ex cheated - a lot.  He was abusive - a lot.  He was terrible - a lot. But mostly he refused to accept responsibility for his actions.  If he cheated, it was my fault...  If I didnt forgive him for it, that was my fault too.  If he got angry and lost control...yup you guessed it - my fault.

When he finally left guess who was responsible? Oh yeah.... it was me. To this day I wish I would not have held on to the devil I knew for so long, fearing being a single mom.  Life was so much better after he was gone and I had a nervous breakdown and I got my life together.... It wasnt easy.  But it is SO much better

right on, violamom, i know this kind of marital fight too well..the one where it IS 99% him and 1% you, but YOu wear the **** bib.  Never again, i would live in a box in an alley before I would ever subject myself to such treatment.  As I said, the difference in a marriage with actual love and...whatever that first marriage was...peace and tranquility.  Not that my current DH and I never disagree, of course we do.  But when that happens, both of us tries to meet the other halfway, not this one way screaming match and blame game and hurt and pain.  I made all kinds of excuses for my ex, when you find yourself doing that, that is your first clue that something is deeply wrong.  Now i don't try to analyze anything...if the treatment is ugly, I put a boundary on it..i don't CARE if he's had a bad day or if he is upset about other things...I cut mean stuff off at the knees. I expect him to do the same to/for me when i cross a line.  Name calling, accusations, all of this is completely unacceptable. Wish I had known this many years ago, before I had accumulated too mnay years of bad memories myslef.