no chatties?

I was 15.  My parents were divorced at the time.  At least my Mom left the state to do it, and we got a phone call.   This woman hung herself in her own backyard.  Its just so unimaginably hideous.  I was one of the coaches for my daughter's team.  Her daughter was on the team.  I remember the family cheering her on at the games, with the youngest in a stroller.  They LOOKED "normal". I just can't get those kids out of my mind.  As far as I know, they didn't  "see" it, not that they aren't still going to be scarred for life.  I just hope and pray that their Dad is able to find the right words to answer their questions, I eventually realized that when you've had a crappy childhood there's you can't play the victim role the rest of your life.  You have to overcome, and move on. 

I do a lot of work with at-risk kids, and suicide's been quite prevalent in my own life as of late. In the past year, one of my good friends hanged himself on a coat hook in his dorm, a favorite student (who I once counseled) hanged himself while on his knees in a basement, three students attempted it through cutting, and the stepfather of a kid I was counseling shot himself in the head. In high school, a good friend asphyxiated himself, four years ago a man I loved tried to take his life with sleeping pills and a plastic bag over his head. A student I was close with watched as his father took a handgun and blew his brains all over the dining room wall. The spectre of suicide seems to surround me. I know it like I know the back of my own hand. I'm unfortunately pretty intimate with the whole notion...I think it comes with the sensitive artistic temprament. People who are given terrific gifts also seem to have horrible burdens-- as if that's some sort of balance-- as if that makes it 'fair." Indirectly, this provided me with some of the push I need to get my health under control. I knew I could not go on in a helping capacity through all this wearing madness if I wasn't in optimal physical health. The fact that everyone was suddenly killing themselves made me suddenly NOT want to-- in fact, to run the other way-- towards light, towards peace. I've never been much of a lemming, I guess. I have something to offer people in crisis, if I can keep my body working-- so I will. 

I feel more of an impetus to get moving when I think about the family of my daughter's friend.  I can't imagime my kids growing up with out a Mom, or me missing anything. I'm surrounded by suicide too.  3 out of 4 grandparents, and my Mom.  I could never do that to my family.  I need to safeguard my physical health as well as my mental health I suppose. As i write this my a** is throbbing because I just fell down the steps in my house.  I swear -I'm a disaster!  I feel like I should go sit in a bucket-o-ice!  maybe a bucket -o-ice and beers!! I better go walk around before I'm permanently stuck in this position.  Hopefully the worst thing I'll have to show for my clumsiness is an impressive many-colored bruise!

I officially pronounce this ASS PAIN SATURDAY! I'm gonna toss down 8 more ounces of protein swill, then go swim my ass off. Take care!