Just being honest

Yesterday and today have been rough. Some days I am able to take pride in the very recent changes I have made, and the fact that I am getting stronger already when it comes to exercise. Other days, I could care less about my health, and all I care about is the way I look. I hate it and I want the weight gone YESTERDAY. One thing I miss, from the 2 seconds I was 180-ish and a size 16, is flirting. Of course, I didn't process it at the time that guys talked to me occasionally because maybe they WANTED to (and not because they were crazy or on crack) because my head was still pretty much in Fat Girl Mode. But, oh, I remember it well now.  Anyway, I bring it up because there is an insanely cute guy I get my coffee from...and when I picked up my coffee today, it put me in a terrible mood. All I could think was "If only I was normal, I could have fun talking to this guy every morning, instead of being embarrassed to just be seen in this shop at all." I don't see why I couldn't be near or at that "magic weight" (my first goal, because I need to break my goals up otherwise it will all seem impossible) by the new year. Yet from now to then seems like an ETERNITY! Really, I cannot put it in perspective. I want to cry when I think about how long from now that is! It's just really hard for me to feel girly past a certain weight. I just don't look like myself right now. I feel like my features are too obscured by fat, that I am a blob. How in the hell am I ever going to make the time pass?! I know it would be worse to wake up in 5-6 months and realize I've gone nowhere, or gained a ton of weight, but in my messed up head...5-6 months is like 5-6 years. Can anyone commiserate? I just wanted to get that out. Now my rant can fly and be free.  

Well fortunately, I have one of those husbands that loves me no matter what so I'm not looking for someone to flirt with.  BUT then again a girl does feel better when she can turn a head or two. I'd just like to get to a place where I can respect myself again!  So Yes I feel your pain!

commiserate?  Uh.. Cha!! As I just said on Shari's"walk-a-thon" post, I joined this site months ago, and haven't lost an ounce.  Here's the inside of my head: You're a fat loser - no you're not, beauty is skin deep - yeah well you're skins pretty deep girlfriend! - You are smart, and a good person, and a good mother, - how good of a mom can you be if you can't walk your girls to school because your so huge? -  It's sick!   I don't need anyone to torture me, because i torture myself! Anywayz..... I'm gonna walk for Janina and Bert(and Myself!!) tomorrow, ands maybe swim some laps too - and I'm goiong to try to not think so far ahead and feel defeated before I've even started.  We'll see how it goes! PS - You should talk to the dude!  Ya never know...... You look cute in your picture!  Go for it!

hey Sonora! You are so young and at a time in your life when romantic connections and feeling "girly" and sexy are so very important.  Now, mind you, those feelings don't go away, but when you are older they aren't as obvious.  I think as we get older we just keep thinking "do I look older than I am?" LOL I know how you feel though.  Short story.  When my little sister was married in August of 2004 I traveled to NC for the wedding.  Everyone was all excited to get manicures, pedicures, hair done, etc.  I was 350+ at the time.  I went to get a pedicure with them.  My sisters are both 5'4" and smallish.  I've always been the "big girl."  So here we are getting our pedicures and the guys doing the pedicures (Asian shop) were flirting big time with my sisters.  My guy, nothing.  I was devastated.  Only when I had lost the weight and started using a pic from that particular time for my before pic did I realize just why he hadn't flirted at all.  At 40 I looked like I was 50.  So yeah, been there done that. I think Shari has said it before, time and time again.  You have to feel that YOU are beautiful and important and vital and love whatever body you come in. Only then can you begin to "tweak" what is there so you can be what you eventually wish to become. Baby steps my friend, baby steps.

"You have to feel that YOU are beautiful and important and vital and love whatever body you come in." I don't know that I could ever really feel that my body is beautiful as it is now.  I could possibly get to a point where I could accept it.

Bert,

I totally understand what you are saying.  But stealing from Shari again, think of what your body has delivered to you.  I know that I could never have hated myself in my 350+ body, because in that body I had married and loved and delivered two beautiful babies. How could I hate the body that had experienced all those things? I hated not being able to walk like I had in the past, and I hated not being able to shop in "normal" sized clothing stores, but I never hated myself.   I hate that I am too critical on myself but most of me realizes that until I get to my ultimate goal I will love myself and will accept how far I've come.

If I give up now, where will I go?

I'm with you, girl.

Our goal of weight loss by Christmas was easy for me to take on, because it seems so far away.  It feels like the day will never come, so who cares if I commit to it?  I understand how you can't feel girly past a certain weight.  When your lower back starts to melt down into your butt and become one big blob, it's hard to shake your money maker.  When your boobs feel like mostly fat, how can you feel feminine?  I know with my lard-ass, that's how I feel.

Now that I've calmed down from yesterday's rant, I can honestly say that it will get better.  That right now, you need to knock your time down into weeks and no larger.  Just worry about making it through a week and comfort yourself in the fact that in a few more weeks, you'll be able to flirt like nobody's business.

I know EXACTLY how you feel. Seriously I do. I remember back when I was 160ish....even at 200. I remember my mom telling me Christa you look fine! And I remember feeling the same way oh these guys must be on crack, flirting with me. But now I look back and think what the hell was I thinking! I wasn't fat, I looked good. 5-6 months does seem like an eternity, it's so easy to gain weight, but so HARD to lose it! Just keep going girl, you'll get there we all will!

I'm glad the sentiment is not lost on you guys. I mean, some days I'm all "RAH RAH RAH YAAAAAY HEALTH!" Others I really don't care and I just want my face to show. I want to see my face!!! I feel like I don't know what it looks like at this point. Time is passing so slowly lately. It's hard.

Yes, it's NOT FAIR..to you as a young girl, six months is an eternity - to me, it a blink of an eye. iunderstand how you feel...you are not feeling sexy, that is the more of a problem than being overweight. Who wants the kind of guy who is all about scrawny chicks anyway? Most everybody here has talked about that, i'll focus on time relativity. Just keep thinking, six months is going to pass and I will be ___ less weight. Six months WILL pass, whether you are fatter or thinner. Each day makes up that six months, so make the best of each one, do your very best. Whne I was working on my degree, I would say, i'm going to be 40 anyway, I will be 40 with a degree. (started when I was 34 ish, felt like a lifetime away)  Get out there and not only walk for neener & burt, But for Sonora...the butterfly within!