Let's keep talking

You are both so right about this.  This is EXACTLY why I want to call my issue an addiction. I want to believe it's not really me doing this. I want to believe there is nothing I can do about it so I can just give up and eat myself to death.   Oh how horrible is that!?    Thanks for making it clear Shari. Big help!

I feel like I am on the middle of the fence - I agree with both sides of the argument here but I lean more towards the addiction side. For me, I haven't quite gotten a grip on totally changing my eating habits & lifestyle quite yet. I still crave the bad foods even though I know and can feel the damage they do. I still want eat them even though they make me feel like crap later. I've been on Alli about 2 weeks now and I just finally had TE today because I finally accepted I am an emotional eater and felt that I had to have chinese take-out after dropping my DH at the airport last night.  I absolutely can't have bad foods in my house right now. I try to stay away, but if I know they are there and I will think about them until either one of three things happen - #1-I cave in and eat it or #2- I have to leave my house for a walk (still thinking about the bad food) or #3- I will get up and throw it away. I am starting to accept that it's ok to waste food. I don't have to finish every thing on my plate. The cravings sometimes are so overwhelming I feel like I'm out of control. I beat myself up mentally because I can't stop thinking about food. I have tried letting hubby and kids order pizza, but literally as soon as they are done, I have to go throw the leftovers in the dumpter or I will gorge myself almost mindlessly. I feel good while the melted cheese is sliding down the back of my throat, but 10 minutes later I feel awful - why and what the hell did I just do to myself?!?!?! But, on the other hand I don't want to say that I have an addiction to take the blame off myself. I am responsible for my weight & I am the only one who can fix it. I am the only one who can put the right foods in my mouth. I am the only one who can put the bad food in my mouth if I want, nobody is forcing me to.

I haven't posted in a while, so I felt like I should. I feel that I am addicted to food COMPLETELY there is no doubt about it.  I honestly have no power or control. This week was horrific. It's almost like my whole body takes over and i can not stop the feeling. I am not happy until I get ALOT I mean ALOT of food in my system. So basically I am addicted plus I binge. Food makes me feel good just as a drug would, it hits a high then comes back to a low. Which happens to me food makes me feel so good it tastes so good. I can't stop, I have been thinking I am really scared I am going to be like this forever. Alli does help keep the fat out but it sure doesn't MAKE stop indulging on my drug of choice.  SO when I feel the need to indulge I do not take the Alli. Which is wrong of me. I really am scared this is never going to end for me, I'm just going to eat my life away. And I don't want that, I was on track for a week then I just lost it. I am not mad at myself, just worried. I really do have a problem. An eating disorder, that is what I call it, because it is in some form or shape an eating disorder. I would go to OA but I'm not really into the higher power thing or spiritual thing. So ok I'm done.

awww, dudette! take a breath...you just need to get back to your good cooking habits and keep fast foods on the low end! I know you young types....fast food a-go-go!  Hey, some people are sex addicts, others are klepto or druggies...it could be worse. You can do this. You will eventually beging to hate how it makes you feel so much that you will back off more and more. These episodes will occur fewer and farther between. To me, OA just puts that Higher Power out there...it can mean a Greater Good.  For example, it can mean just the idea that you want to be thin cuz it is ultimately for the good of society (you'll be a better worker, mother, wife, ect). Just cuz most people call the Higher Power God does not make it have to be so.  Yes, you may have to tolerate people talking about it like they are in church, this will depend on the group and the sponsor you choose.  Be sure to tell her (your new sponsor that the God thing is not you).  I'm just saying the God angle is only one part of OA. i mean, let's face it, even evanagelicals can be way to fat, right??  OA offers group support, steps to help you self examine, if nothing else, a way out of the house away from food for a few hours a week.  When I was really bad I went like 3x weekly! OA just suggests that by joining, one is admitting they cannot do this on their own. Some folks reach out to God, but dig it, Christa, do you really think they did not reach to Her before now???? I bet those folks prayed their asses off!  God can only give you a soft place to land, but YOU do the work.  Maybe you heard the joke/story about the guy drowning in the ocean, and three boats came by while he goes down.  He turned them all down, saying, "No, God will provide."  After the guy dies, in heaven, the guy yells at God, saying, why didn't you save me??? God tells him, I sent three boats...what do you want??  LOL Don't use that a reason to not go check it out!

Christa I know where you're coming from. Do not give up! There is no way in hell you have to be overweight for the rest of your life. You don't keep a journal, do you? You might want to consider keeping that post for YOU to read...to remind yourself that you deserve much better than to feel that way constantly. The OA approach is definitely not my style, so I can relate to you there. Not that I think it's a bad idea to just check it out. If you're still against it, can you swing one-on-one therapy? If that doesn't sound good, look into this book -- it might click for you. It's called Overcoming Overeating and it is NOT a diet book. There is also an accompanying website, but it seems to be down right now (http://www.overcomingovereating.com/). That might help you find some non-OA support resources. Keep your head up! We all have good days and bad days.

Thanks for the info.   I'm buying this book.  Christa, if you'd like a copy just send me your address and I'll have one sent to you as well.   I read the first bit of this on amazon and checked out the reviews.  I believe it may help me to understand why I do what I do.  It really makes sense and from what I can tell expounds of what many of you already know and tell me on a daily basis. :)  For example take the excerpts below. These really describe me to a T.  Is this addiction to food..???  Hell if I know but I think the book can bring me one step closer to the answer...seeming as though my insurance won't pay for me to see a shrink about weight loss...

"If you're a compulsive eater, you spend your days fighting your desire to eat. Some days you give into your desire and scream at yourself for your lack of willpower. Other days you resist the desire and feel virtuous and worthy of praise. On any given day, however, much of your mental life and energy is absorbed by thoughts about your eating, your weight, and your plans to control both. You've probably thought about these topics continually for years.  It may appear to others that you are leading a hum-drum life, average life, but they don't see beyond the surface of your daily activities. Despite appearances,  you know that you are constantly preoccupied with painful thoughts about your body and eating. These thoughts envelop you, because compulsive eating is much more than an activity--it's an all-absorbing state of mind."

"Self-Portait: Complusive eaters share not only their compelling need for food, but a view of their problem as well.  All compulsive eaters consider themselves lacking in discipline and willpower --self-indulgent, greedy, infantile, out of control, weak, disgusting, and most important, fat. "

 

The site is still down by the way.  It was last cached by Google on July 19th.  Doesn't mean it's been down since the 19th..but rather it means it's been up recently. :)

Hey Chris! Glad some of that clicked with you. If you get the book, let me know what you think! Also, it looks like the website is back up now.