Chris Needs Our Help

Okay everyone.  Just in case some of you missed the post that Chris posted earlier today (it was sort of buried in between some other posts) here's what he wrote.  What can we do to help? Post Date: 7/12/07 11:30 am Please pardon the extremely long post and rambling... I need to get this off my chest and it helps to put it in writing so I can sort through all the crazy thoughts. I'm lurking... Just not posting because of shame.  I'm severely screwed up and that is no understatement.  I feel like I've lost the battle again. I cannot control my overeating.  I did so good for so long but something happened.  The worst part about all of this is I can't even figure out where I went wrong and how I got back to the point I'm at.  The only thing I am doing right is staying away from soda. But what does that matter when I'm eating 4000 calories or more a day?  I feel there is no hope in doing this on my own.  I'm so confused and feeling sorry for myself that I can't even think straight. I feel like **** I'm sleepy all the time yet all I want to do is drown myself in food.  For example, two nights ago after an exceptionally large dinner I devoured 4 apple/berry granola bars, two packs of 100 cal choc chip cookies, 1/4 bag of sour cream and onion chips, a overstuffed oozing fluffernutter sandwich and a glass of 2% milk.  Today for lunch I had country style steak over rice with fried squash and mac -n- cheese with 2 yeast rolls.  For dinner, I'm going out to Quaker Steak and Lube where I'm pretty sure I'll consume at least 20 wings and whatever sides I have along with perhaps soda...maybe even some alcohol.   Oh did I mention I wanted more at lunch? I'm eyeballing the 100-cal packs of cookies I have in my drawer as we speak.  Despite all of the guilt I'm feeling at this moment it really doesn't affect my choice in food. Perhaps I'm eating to try and forget that I am eating?  I feel like crap and I want to stop but can't...  go figure..   Thinking back this downward spiral started when I switched to the new job.  I had fallen off track before that but I had gotten back on track. In fact when I started here they asked me what I liked to do after work and I told them that I enjoyed exercising and was trying to get all of this weight off of me. Boy has that changed. So what's different now??  Where did I go wrong???  Things have gotten worse after I told myself I was going to WLS. It's almost like after I made that decision I completely gave up as if I made an easy-out choice and it was okay for me to eat whatever I wanted. I haven't even pursued WLS any further.... In fact I'm beginning to wonder if my decision was only made because I feel like I cannot succeed without some type of intervention.  God, why can't there just be a simple freaking answer to this problem????? It's so frustrating! I just want to be done with it and NEVER have to think about it again!  I don't want food to control my life! And even if I lose all of the weight and start eating healthy food will still have control over me because I still have to watch what I eat.. People say "I have control over my eating.."  that may be true but the food really has the control.. it's what is forcing you to eat less of it..  Ok.. i'm done.. tired of thinking about this.. tired of stressing and feeling sorry for myself. where's those lornadoones at..?

-=- kRiZ -=-

See my responses in original thread. Take it easy, Chris.

Let's hope Bert is just busy or burnt out on the site.  He was a big motivator for me and I'm sure everyone else here.  Albeit, I was extremely jealous of his success. Nonetheless, he just seemed like he had it all figured out, had it all together.  I must say that despite my urge to crawl in a hole with 6 boxes of twinkies, it is very soothing to come here, post about my issues and get such warm responses and advice.  Maybe you women have it right? :) As far as lowering my weight for surgery goes I am so very aware of the consequences of not doing so... Yet I still shove food down my throat.  WTF is that??  It's highly irritating for me to "KNOW" what the right thing to do is, yet do the complete opposite. Further adding to the aggitation is the fact that I cannot comprehend why the hell I can't stop it!  I suspect I should just start going through the process. Perhaps it will come easier for me, like it did for you, once I accept that I don't have to do this forever. Forever is a long, long time.... I'm not saying that I don't have to watch what I eat forever but I'm saying that I once I have WLS I don't have to go at it alone, fighting the urges. I simply just won't be able to partake as much... at least i won't for long enough that I can get through the addiction.  Does that make sense??  In other words that may be a little less cloudy, WLS will grant me relief from my addiction until I can figure out how to fix the root of the addiction. At least I can say I haven't eaten since lunch.. that's progress.. lol

Let's hope Bert is just busy or burnt out on the site.  He was a big motivator for me and I'm sure everyone else here.  Albeit, I was extremely jealous of his success. Nonetheless, he just seemed like he had it all figured out, had it all together I hope that's true too, but do know that Bert has a really difficult history with binges. As far as jealousy goes-- I am pretty sure he would agree with me that there's nothing to be jealous of in a super morbidly obese body with miles of work ahead just to get to tolerable when you already have a better functioning, more healthy body at your disposal! (This'd be known as "Stop your envy and do the work!)

Here's something that motivates me that I have never shared, but it may apply here:

I saw this young female amputee on TV-- and she's a runner. They made her these cool metal prosthetic running scoops, and she runs like hell, but misses her old legs. They asked her if she was angry-- and only one thing angers her now-- she looks at people like you, or like me, and says, "Why are they wasting those legs?"  Dunno about you, but I have no plan of being a waste of two legs all my life. Or space. Or time. And I am not getting younger, and it only gets harder with age. So now is my time. And when it's yours, you will know what you need to do.

Chris, If you've been lurking you've been reading my messages as well.  Suffice to say I don't have the answers.  You are right, even after succeeding at weight loss, whatever that means, the demons are still there.  I wish they would go away as well, I really do. I don't know why we do it? Perhaps it is classic addiction?  Is it bad for me to wish I were addicted to anything BUT food?  I'm sure it is, but that doesn't stop me from wishing it. I'd like to say hang on, it will pass.  But guess what, it won't. Perhaps the path for you IS WLS and that isn' t a bad thing at all.  Sometimes I wish I had that tool, to help me from killing myself with food.  But I don't, and I have to work with what I have.

Keep lurking, keep coming back.  Some days will be better than others.  Today is a good day for me, totally on my game.  Tomorrow I might be under the wheels of the bus, I can never tell. Just know that we understand.  For me sometimes that is more than enough.

When did my lover Chris post this I must not have been paying attention! AHH CHRIS I will save him! I will have to hit him up on Myspace get his pesky phone number and talk to him!

Oooh laah laah!! Check your messages! Thank you all! Your response is overwheling!  I'm working on replying to everyone else as well so keep checking back! :)

I can't even find this post up on our board.  Weird. 

Chris, it's okay. We're all allowed to screw up.  That's why we have support boards like these; because we're bound to screw up sometime.

So you're going through a rough patch - I'm sorry about that.  It's a rough journey you're on to begin with.  Feeling hopeless is a horrible feeling and I'm so sorry you're going through that right now. 

You need to make a new start for yourself.  Pick a day and committ that that day you'll make it through under a certain calorie amount.  Start one day at a time. If you can't make two days in a row, oh well - try again.  Then try for three days in a row. 

You're not a failure, Chris.  You just tripped up a little.  Use Fitday.com, track your calories, use this board, talk to us; let us help you.  That's what we're here for.

I don't feel like this is just a patch. I feel like it's a vast impassible desert or something.  At this point, getting back on track seems unattainable... I'm back at square one, "comtemplating change"...   It definitely is a horrible feeling. I guess you're right. I just gotta make up my mind and do it.  Quit feeling sorry about myself. (i'm back up to 296 lbs again..it's climbing i'm sure..) UGH! SO DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF THOUGH!! It's horrible when I look in the mirror.. or even worse when I walk to work in the morning I pass a big ass mirror like window where I have to look at myself. OMG it's a horrible sight!  .... I digress..  I can feel the inner self wanting to get back on track.. Maybe more talking about it will help to bring it out. Thanks for your help Janina! How's the band working for you?

Chris, try to stop focusing on what you've done wrong, at being back at square one, or how you think you look in a mirror.  None of that negative thinking is going to help you one bit.  You have to decide what you want to do, come up with a plan and put that plan in motion.  You can't wait for lighting to strike or a sudden burst of energy and commitment.  At first you just have to go through the motions.  Just do it damn itIII