Eating and guilt

Someone responded to something I wrote in my journal about being out of control with eating.  You guys remember my post from about a week or so ago.  Well, she was saying how she understood exactly what I was saying about missing food and the abandon we felt while eating.  How food was a friend and waving goodbye was hard. It's wonderful to come to a support board where people truly DO get it.  But my question is this. Why do we eat off of our "plan" if all we feel after is huge guilt and self-loathing?  Isn't emotional pain as bad as physical pain?  Couldn't this be our own "WLS" internally to stop the pain of the self-hatred by not eating the crap? Purely rhetorical?? I don't know.  All I know is it cannot be human nature to continually want to punish ourselves! Just some thoughts.

Hey Donna- Isn't it great here? I agree that so many people here really do GET it. Of course, when you write it out, punishing ourselves seems crazy. As far as to why that happens, I suppose it depends on your individual situation and level of emotional eating. As a severe binge eater, though, I have a theory that I'm sure applies to at least a few of us (whether your deviation is more minor or not). I would say we're most  likely to go "off plan" when we are feeling tense -- whether it is a particular life stress, or just melancholy depression. The latter being the worst trigger, actually.  Being "bad" might make us feel like crap afterwards, but at least it's something else to feel like crap about -- somewhere to put the energy. If I am sitting alone, just depressed -- not sad, but depressed -- I think "Well, I what can I do about it?" In a disgusting, twisted way, eating is better because it is something I can remedy. I can "get back on plan" tomorrow and erase the transgression. Stress and/or depression can be worked on too, of course, but it's far more complicated. The best I can do is try and remind myself that's not really how I want to live.

I hear ya on the triggers, Sonora.  I know that for me feeling tense and stressed is a HUGE trigger.  See, I never considered myself an emotional eater because I didn't run to the kitchen when I was angry or sad or happy.  But I realize that stress and feeling tense ARE emotional issues.   You make a whole lot of sense regarding the "having to feel something."  I think a lot of us are just huge control freaks and without something to control we feel as if we are just languishing in the here and now.  Well, what the heck is wrong with just languishing???   Thanks for your understanding, it helps a lot!

Two words: Immediate Gratification.   We don’t think ahead of time when there’s food involved.  That’s why being obese is so much more than a weight problem.  It’s an illness, or disease.  Food hypnotizes us.  We want that “high” that we get from eating something decedent.  That “high” we feel when our tummy’s are full.  That tired feeling we get after eating so much – it’s the same sort of “high” people get from doing downer drugs.  We’re addicted to it.  And not until we get to the point of hindsight do we see how f*cked up it is.

 

 

It’s sad.  It’s really sad.

 

I agree with the premise of instant gratification, Janina.  But what about the whole conversation we have with ourselves while we are slipping off the path?  I know that for me the hindsight is foresight.  I already know how I'm going to feel, how angry I am going to be with myself.  Why do I continue to do it then?  It's NOT gratification for me.  It's just another step into self-hatred.  And I know this when I'm eating but I can't seem to stop it. 

 

Hi Donna, Maybe I shouldn't respond to this because I have an opposing point of view.  But, what the heck, I always have something to say.  Anyway, I can honestly say that I feel absolutely no guilt or shame when I go off plan.  I have not always been guilt-free, in fact I use to really beat myself up when I strayed.  But, I'm a person who learns from experience and experience has taught me that letting myself feel guilty leads to nothing but more negative behavior.  Guilt is a very negative emotion and rarely leads to anything positive.  Rather than feeling guilty for a slip, I’ve made a conscious decision to not only forgive myself for being human, but also to learn from my mistakes. I am currently obese.  I know how I became obese and I know what behaviors will keep me where I am.  Now my goal is to be fit and healthy, and know what I have to do to get there.  It certainly hasn't always been the case, but now I want to be fit and healthy a hell of a lot more than I want to be obese.  I don't want to go the WLS route so I have to make certain lifestyle changes if I want to lose the weight without it.  For me it all comes down to what I want more.  Do I want to continue to eat whatever the hell I want whenever I want to and remain obese?  Or, do I want to change my lifestyle and lose the weight?  I've consciously chosen the latter. Does my personality have something to do with my attitude.  You betcha.  I'm very self-confident and have a high level of self-esteem.  Those two character traits certainly contribute to my attitude.  Do I think that a lot of overweight people have little self-confidence and low self-esteem -- you bet I do.  Do I think those character traits contribute to unsuccessful weight loss or cause feelings of guilt whenever they slip-up.  Yep!  I think the ability to be successful at weight loss has much more to do with figuring out and dealing with what's going in our heads than worrying about what we're putting in our mouths.  I think I have a lot of insight about what influences my behavior.  I reached that insight through years of soul searching and introspection.  Some may need some professional help to figure out what makes them tick and behave destructively.  Hell, I maybe even decide one day I need some assistance to delve deeper into my psyche.   I think even the most well-rounded and secure among us could benefit from a good shrink. I know I’ve strayed from the original question.  But, yes I think it’s human nature to protect ourselves and be good to ourselves.  Self preservation may be the first law of nature.  Unfortunately, a lot of us have gotten ourselves to the point where we are our own worse enemy.

I don't think you strayed at all from the topic.  I agree with you that guilt is destructive, beyond a reasonable doubt.  It serves no purpose, it has no good traits, and it is a dangerous emotion.  But I feel it ALL the time.  If my children are sick I feel guilty.  If I say no to my children about doing something, I feel guilty.  I feel guilty when another parent says no to their child. LOL Maybe it comes from having grown up in an Italian family.  Who knows.  

I have been successful in doing so much for myself in the past two years.  I have conquered some amazing demons and I just wish I could hold on to the good and stop beating myself up for being human.  I wish I could figure out what is going on in my head.  As Sonora put it, stress and being tense definitely add to the mix.  I know that I have been stressed at work and frustrated over other issues at home.  I just wish I could be good to me, instead of taking all of my issues and internalizing them and making myself feel badly.

I'm not sure if it works for everybody, but I scheduled occasional "off meals" specifically so I could find out that there is just no "there" there, anymore. Whatever gratification overeating once brought me is now tempered by a strong sense of futility-- "Well, THAT was dumb." After a lifetime of overeating, it seems like it takes several such events to even begin to understand it. It took decades to get that stupid-- I'm not gonna be a brainiac overnight! Overeating used to dull pain and make me feel nothing-- it was a sedative. Now, it makes me feel full internally, but uncomfortably so---and emotionally, it just feels like "What'd you do THAT for?" The "Mmmm....full...." sort of feelings are just not there anymore. Occasionally doing this has become an important tool for me, even if it's counterintuitive. I don't feel guilt, per se. Guilt's a wasteful emotion, and it teaches me little. I just feel like, "Did that give you what you wanted from it?" and the answer-- increasingly-- is , "No." Now I am dealing with the lack of my everfaithful buddy, which is really the greatest challenge of all.

Considering all the weight I have to lose and the amount of time it's going to take to lose it.  Planned "cheats", free-for-all-days, off plan meals (call them what you will), are not only necessary but imperative.

I'm with you Tali, I give myself an "Off day" almost every week! It's usually Saturday I don't go like total binge frantic...well maybe once in a great while like last weekend but I allow myself to go out to a resturant and order what I want. It just keeps me sane and I know I can just burn it all back off plus more in the next 6 days. And I don't feel guilty about it. But there are days where I go off track and keep doing it for like 3 days in a row and then I feel guilty but I snap back.