Where IS Everybody

Please pardon the extremely long post and rambling... I need to get this off my chest and it helps to put it in writing so I can sort through all the crazy thoughts. I'm lurking... Just not posting because of shame.  I'm severely screwed up and that is no understatement.  I feel like I've lost the battle again. I cannot control my overeating.  I did so good for so long but something happened.  The worst part about all of this is I can't even figure out where I went wrong and how I got back to the point I'm at.  The only thing I am doing right is staying away from soda. But what does that matter when I'm eating 4000 calories or more a day?  I feel there is no hope in doing this on my own.  I'm so confused and feeling sorry for myself that I can't even think straight. I feel like **** I'm sleepy all the time yet all I want to do is drown myself in food.  For example, two nights ago after an exceptionally large dinner I devoured 4 apple/berry granola bars, two packs of 100 cal choc chip cookies, 1/4 bag of sour cream and onion chips, a overstuffed oozing fluffernutter sandwich and a glass of 2% milk.  Today for lunch I had country style steak over rice with fried squash and mac -n- cheese with 2 yeast rolls.  For dinner, I'm going out to Quaker Steak and Lube where I'm pretty sure I'll consume at least 20 wings and whatever sides I have along with perhaps soda...maybe even some alcohol.   Oh did I mention I wanted more at lunch? I'm eyeballing the 100-cal packs of cookies I have in my drawer as we speak.  Despite all of the guilt I'm feeling at this moment it really doesn't affect my choice in food. Perhaps I'm eating to try and forget that I am eating?  I feel like crap and I want to stop but can't...  go figure..   Thinking back this downward spiral started when I switched to the new job.  I had fallen off track before that but I had gotten back on track. In fact when I started here they asked me what I liked to do after work and I told them that I enjoyed exercising and was trying to get all of this weight off of me. Boy has that changed. So what's different now??  Where did I go wrong???  Things have gotten worse after I told myself I was going to WLS. It's almost like after I made that decision I completely gave up as if I made an easy-out choice and it was okay for me to eat whatever I wanted. I haven't even pursued WLS any further.... In fact I'm beginning to wonder if my decision was only made because I feel like I cannot succeed without some type of intervention.  God, why can't there just be a simple freaking answer to this problem????? It's so frustrating! I just want to be done with it and NEVER have to think about it again!  I don't want food to control my life! And even if I lose all of the weight and start eating healthy food will still have control over me because I still have to watch what I eat.. People say "I have control over my eating.."  that may be true but the food really has the control.. it's what is forcing you to eat less of it..  Ok.. i'm done.. tired of thinking about this.. tired of stressing and feeling sorry for myself. where's those lornadoones at..?

Thanks for the honest reply, Chris. I fear that might be where Bert went too, but I can't say for sure. This is a place where genders sort of diverge. When women feel they have screwed up, they seek out the solace and wisdom of other women to help them through. When men feel they have screwed up, they crawl into holes and feel lousy. It's much harder being a man than anyone gives you credit for. I'm pretty sure it's why you haven't seen my Sig Ot's face here yet. I've always done what men do, but decided that this time, I will take the initiative and do what the gals do. By showing up here, I am trying to ready myself to interact more, get advice, give advice, and enjoy the kind of comfort only found when you meet people who go through what you do.

Screw up in the agora Chris, and let people tell you the things you need and want to hear. There's probably several like you out here who feel relieved just knowing they aren't the only one!

BTW--- if you DO start the WLS process, you'd do well to lower your weight first anyway, so that "I might as well eat whatever I want" horseypoop you are telling yourself will make your surgery more complex, will aggravate your surgeon, and will make your healing more difficult. Keep that in mind. Plus-- it's easier to do what you need to do when it's finite, I'm sure. It's why this has all happened easier for me than most-- I know I don't have to keep at it forever--- forever is a hard notion for most of us to swallow.

Chris, remember this is a lifelong commitment, and its going to contain hills and valleys Sir. It comes with the territory. You'll get through this.

Post Date: 7/12/07 12:21 pm

I can't even find this post up on our board.  Weird. 

Chris, it's okay. We're all allowed to screw up.  That's why we have support boards like these; because we're bound to screw up sometime.

So you're going through a rough patch - I'm sorry about that.  It's a rough journey you're on to begin with.  Feeling hopeless is a horrible feeling and I'm so sorry you're going through that right now. 

You need to make a new start for yourself.  Pick a day and committ that that day you'll make it through under a certain calorie amount.  Start one day at a time. If you can't make two days in a row, oh well - try again.  Then try for three days in a row. 

You're not a failure, Chris.  You just tripped up a little.  Use Fitday.com, track your calories, use this board, talk to us; let us help you.  That's what we're here for.

Oh man Chris, You've got to forgive yourself and look forward and not back.  Today is a new day, a new chance, go for it.  I understand where you are because I've been there.  I lost a good deal of weight back in 2001.  For me, I fell off shortly after my mom died.  I had the shame, guilt, and the feeling of being helpless to the food.  The last couple of years I gained back all that weight and then some.  I've tried to get back on the wagon, but just couldn't until this last May.  How is it I'm succeeding so far?  Sheer freaking determination.  Do I still have cake, or ice cream, or steak once in awhile?  YUP.  But the difference is I didn't until I knew I could handle just a little.  As for having one of my "trigger" foods in the house, ice cream, well I don't mind if it's one I don't care for.  My DB can have a whole quart of certain kinds and I won't touch em.  As for the kinds I really like, well I've found it's better not to have them in the house or to get pints.  Sure it costs more in $$$, but in terms of my weight and health, it actually is a much better option. I agree with Shari, guys have it harder in dealing with setbacks than women.  I'm saying this because my DB is having problems as well.  We both decided to started eating better and exercising at the same time, but he's not doing so well.  All I can do is encourage him to make better choices.  We live together and make meals most nights together.  So when we're making supper I'm measuring out my portions.  I HAVE to do this or I would eat too much.  I do tell my DB the calorie counts of some things and I think that makes him stop and reevaluate at times.   Chris please stop lurking and come back to the forum.  We're here to help and support you.  What worked for you in the past?  Can you start that again or find something else that will help?  Are you still walking with your wife daily or almost daily?  Hey, didn't you say you're competitive?  We started a new challenge here.  Maybe you should join us?. You haven't lost the war, just one little skirmish.  Look to the future and winning the war.  WLS isn't the easy way out.  Many people don't get a handle on their eating problems and find that in the end they gain back the weight because of it.  WLS is just a tool and one that needs to be used correctly.  So getting a handle on your eating issues now is very important.

I'm here.. I usually post during lunch and late evening.. and I'm a guy! Not a talkative one though.

Oh Bud, I always forget that you're a guy.  I think it's that anonymous, grayed out face with the question mark that really throws me off.  You need to post a pic or some manly avatar.

Soon my dear.. Soon!

I had work-related drama yesterday ... now that the crisis is over and today is our "Friday" (we're off during the summer) things are a little more relaxed.  I've been floating all over the place too!