Practicing what I preach

okay, so here it goes.  You know, no matter how far we come, how much we lose, how much skin we get lopped off, we still have our demons. 

I'm going to share with you a few of my "justifications".  Why am I putting this stuff here? Well, because I don't know where else to put them.  I go back and forth between being scared and then being sad and then being downright angry at myself.  Here are my justifications. 1)  You can eat this because you are going to work out later. 2)  You can eat this because calorie wise you can skip lunch and make it up 3)  I still lost 128 pounds (instead of the 140 I had one day achieved) 4)  You still lost over 100 pounds.  do you realize how much 100 pounds is? 5) You do good 90% of the time, everyone has bad moments, what's 10% in the scheme of things? So I think you get the ideas here.  Head games around food, yet again. I find myself eating and not being able to stop myself.  It's SO hard to put this in writing, to truly see my issues laid out for the world to see.  Yesterday I started my day normally with 2 hard boiled eggs and a packet of weight control oatmeal with ground flax seed.  I was doing great, I had "recommitted" yet again.  I don't normally wait til Monday, I have recommittment days throughout the week.  So I do good and then my son and I go to the mall.  He gets breakfast there and then we walk around and shop a little.  A couple of hours later he wants lunch -- before he goes to work.  Now I am not hungry at all but the food court is open.  So I look around, obviously trying to make the best choice.  I decide on Taco Bell and a Taco salad.  I never eat the shell so I'm good with this, considering it's made with 75% lettuce.  So I eat it, ALL of it, even though I am not hungry.   Then we go and I drop him at work and I contemplate going to the gym.  I convince myself that since I am going to the gym in the morning I can't lift weights both days, so I will skip the gym.  This was my last vacation day of the year, surely I deserved to relax.  So home I go.  I consume a lean pocket, some peanut brittle, ICECREAM!!!!!!!!!! (and not 1/2 a cup), some crackers with peanut butter and -- get this -- sugar free jelly.  All along I am wondering what I am doing.  Not only am I not hungry at all, but why can't I stop?  Then I tell myself I am wasting my sugar free jelly on JUNK.  God my head is a mess.  I didn't eat dinner last night because I was just not hungry -- who would be for godsakes --  but I did manage to eat my sugar free pudding with cool whip, still NOT hungry! I know, i know, I have an eating disorder.  I just hate that I can't control my food. I don't have the tool of WLS to stop myself, or to get sick and throw up.  I only have what I've learned in two years, which apparently isn't enough.  I have always said that without being honest you can't conquer your demons.  So here I am being honest.  I am out of control.  I should thank god that there isn't a lot to eat in my house that can get me in trouble.  And what was here I've already eaten!!!  I am still sneak eating, I am still creating opportunities for me to eat.  And what  a hyprocrite I am.  When I am at work I tell people "oh no, I don't do carbs" when I turn down lunches and pizza.  I make other people feel bad about themselves because I am so seemingly "perfect."  I am a phony too.  I don't know what to do except to pick myself up every morning and start all over.  I just got back from the gym, I had my 8 am weight class.  I did 28 minutes on the elliptical before the class.  So my workout for the day is good.  I have yet to consume a bit of food, frankly I'm not even hungry I ate so damned much last night!  I've worked hard for 2 years, lost over 100 pounds (no idea how much, last check on the scale I was 235 which is up 20 pounds from my lowest weight.  I've paid $7,000 towards plastic surgery, not including all the items I needed to recover.   Why am I not able to keep total control over myself?  Do I fear that i'll get back to 350+ pounds?  No I honestly don't.  Do I fear that I will never get down to 200?  Every single waking moment. Thanks for listening.  I'm embarrassed to say I am in tears now. Donna

(((donna)))) Girl, be gentle on yourself! I get what you say, more than my words may express.  For so many years I just wanted to be "normal" about food. I think I'm as close to normal as I am going to get. don't make public declarations about not eating any one thing or another...do it here only cuz we get it.  I will say that your commitment is huge, so you do nearly always live up to what you say you will do. We all give it lip service when we say oh we eat less and move more - those kinds of words are a feeble attempt to help us live with what we must do. This chronic illness of obesity requires tight securities around it. I mean read these posts....each of us has calorie levels...grams of this, hours and minutes of that......ahhhhhhhh! Talk about micromanaging. It is so much like diabetes in so many ways. We don't dare take our eyes off it. No wonder we get all "up in it". That is what is happening, you are too close, too overwhelmed at this time.  be gentle with yourself today. Find a farmer's market and go buy some beautiful fresh produce and cook a wonderful stew or soup and have some friends over.

hi Neecee, Thanks for the understanding.  I knew that I could come here and get this kind of response because you guys DO get it.  You know, I find it amusing that people look at overweight people and think they are lazy and undisciplined.  They should come here and read our board to see just how committed we are to our programs.  You are so right, we do micromanage our lives, our calorie intake, our fat grams, our workouts, every single thing. I don't quite know how to change this behavior, I really don't.  I have succeeded in the past.  At the  beginning of my journey 2 years ago I NEVER ate outside of my plan.  I was so disgustingly good I made myself sick.  It was almost a year, and after losing all the weight, that I finally gave in a few times.  I know that I should hold onto the fact that I have pretty much held my own for the past year, but it's that self-loathing that I swear is going to do the most damage.  And you have it exactly right, we don't take our eyes off it long enough to begin to feel normal. I will try to relax, to find that happy medium.  I am going to visit the farmer's market tomorrow and stock up on fresh produce, I really enjoy farmer's markets.  But I think you do too, or else you wouldn't have suggested it!!!  Thank you again, Neecee.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((donna)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) i want to like call you or give you a hug or something. you have no reason to be embarassed. you are real and i thank you for your honesty. that really is hard to admit and i can really empathize with the scariness of being out of control and not understanding what the heck is going on with you. i have been where you are and unfortunately struggle with the same things. it is hard to find the balence - yes you shouldn't be super hard and strict with yourself, yes you should appreciate and remember how far you have come and how much 100 lba really is, but how do you do that without it becoming a rationalization for eating? of course, as i'm sure you could predict, my first recommendation to you would be to consider seeing a psychologist. so much of this journey is emotional and i think the post weight loss phase is even harder because you're adjusting to this new life and not getting the highs from the weight loss. the excitement of PS has subsided a bit and what is there to look forward to? (i think you're getting boobs done later, but you know what i mean). you have gone through so much change in a short period of time and maybe you really need to give yourself some time to reconsolidate yourself.  i don'tknow if you've scheduled the boobs yet, but perhaps it would be helpful to really take a long time to completely recover and get completely back on track before heading back under the knife. what else? take it one day at a time. get back on a schedule of regular healthy eating. commit to a gym schedule for the week ahead. you know that skipping meals is not going to do you any good. start with lunch. eat something small and healthy, even if you aren't starving just to get yourself back on track. what else? the thing with mindless eating is that it is mindless - what can you do to prevent it? i have gone so far as to put tape across my cabinets and keep all my 100 calorie packs in the trunk of my car, just so that i can't get to them mindlessly ( i have to organize myself, find my keys, go to the parking lot etc). and maybe adjust your expectations. what IF you never get to 200? would that somehow negate the work you have done? no! we all have arbitrary numbers we'd like to get to but you have to wonder if its worth it. could i be 140? maybe if i ate 1000 cals a day. could i maintain it? would i be miserable trying to maintain that? likely. being put on this pedestal of perfection sucks. it definitely pushes me into secret/night eating. but unfortunately, it nearly unavoidable since it seems like everyone wants to lose weight and few are able to. therefore, the only way you were successful was because you did it perfectly. even though we know that's not true, its kinda the only way that others can make sense of it. feeling like a fraud or phony is one of the worst feelings out there - and i feel it quite often. anyway i don't really have anything profound to say. i just want you to know that you are not alone and not crazy for feeling this way. its part of the process - and i have just reconciled that it is probably an emotional struggle i will face for the rest of my life.

Hi Andrea, You are very right that I always have a need for the excitement, the high.  I have seen people get depressed when their weight loss stops or they have no more plastic surgery to schedule.  It's almost like we can't figure out how to settle in to our lives, and without this change we are stumped.  It's an odd feeling.  But isn't that the normalcy we seek?  Isn't that what we are always talking about, being normal?  Yet when faced with the option to do so we can't seem to grasp it.  Very frustrating. When I hear people saying to get help with their eating disorders I am always unsure how to approach it.  About 7 years ago i decided to go see someone who specialized in eating disorders.  I didn't get too far with her, she had never been overweight and i just could not understand how someone who has never walked a mile in my shoes could ever possibly understand it.  So in the end I didn't have much success.  I can't seem to attach my emotions to my eating habits.  My degree is in Psychology and I know that you more than anyone realize that this is a huge obstacle when you go looking for help.  It's the knowing too much but not being able to apply it to yourself, syndrome. I hear what you are saying about my next surgery.  I am not all that excited about this next one.  I wnt it done for obvious reasons but I am not chomping at the bit to get it done.  I may hold up until I feel that I am in a better spot than I am now. I KNOW I feel better when I am on my game, when I am eating right and when I am feeling successful.  So why do I eat out of control?  Quite a simple question, huh?  But I'm afraid one with the most elusive answer! thanks for listening, Andrea.

Hey Donna, Dry your tears girl.  Neecee is right, we do all know how you feel because we all struggle with basically the same issues.  I believe that the first thing we need to do to resolve any problem is to first acknowledge that we have one, and you have done that.  The next step is to come up with a game plan to solve the problem, and that's where you are now.  It was just a few days ago when I wrote about how having an all or nothing attitude on previous weight loss attempts has been my downfall.  I think you need to come up with a game plan, something that's doable for the long haul.  So, if you think you're putting to many restrictions on yourself, back off a little and give yourself some room to breath.  Maybe figure out what your daily or weekly meal plan will be ahead of time and stick with it.  If you have planned to workout at a specific day or time -- do it.  Keep foods that you know will tempt you out of the house.  Try to come up with a "what will I do if" scenario for every situation (like for when you're in a mall).  But, on the other hand, allow yourself some treats.  If you can't do it on your owne, get some help if you need it.  Maybe Overeaters Anonymous or a weight loss counselor or some other professional help.  You have lost an incredible amount of weight and you may need to deal with some issues dealing with any underlying fear you may have of losing all the weight you want and keeping it off.  Weight issues are more pyscological than anything else, and getting some professional help if you need it to deal with deep seated issues is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about.  And last but not least, please continue to bring whatever issues you may be struggling with to your friends here.  If you need to brainstorm, vent, ***** or moan, feel free to do so.  We are here to support you in any way we can.

hi Tali coming here to talk about these issues for me is a safe place.  I know I have read countless posts and all I can say is, wow, that's me.  I think you are right that I have to come up with something that is doable for the long term, because that is what I am in.  I used to wonder when the "dieting" would come to an end, and I realized that it never did.  I accepted that fate about 1 1/2 years ago so I know that the changes I've made are keepers.  You are right in that I have to stop looking at things as an all or nothing.  To me there are clearly "bad" foods and "good" foods.  If I treated all foods the same then perhaps the "bad" foods wouldn't appear to be so appealing!

I always talk about being "normal" but then tell others that I can't eat this or that.  I need to integrate my weight loss into my life and maybe in some ways realize the journey is mostly over, but that I need to keep focus on it, but not micromanage it, as Neecee said.

Thanks, Tali.

Donna,  I was feeling that same way about 10 days ago and posted. I have come a long way since starting my diet/exercise in April, but I still don't feel very accomplished. I do feel like a phony too because people will tell me how good I look and ask me what I'm doing. I don't tell them about the cravings screaming at me, about to take over and how hard it is to fight them off, or how much I have to push myself some days just to go to the gym. I smile and act like it doesn't bother me, but I'm fighting my inner demons so hard sometimes, it exhausts me. I think because we do have food addictions/eating disorders, it will be harder for us to stay on track and go down the right path. All I can say is keep trying and lean on this board for support. People who walk in your shoes are the only ones who truly understand how it feels and the struggle. *BIG HUGS* I think you are doing great and you will get to your goal. It just takes time (which really sucks!) but all the great accomplishments that anybody has made were not done in a day! 

hi Heather I know exactly what you say when you say you are fighting your demons so hard it exhausts you.  I just thought that after two years I could stop thinking about it so much.  It appears that I think about it MORE and constantly obsess about how bad I'm doing, that I'm not losing, that I couldnt' get to the gym when I wanted to, etc.  i seem to be an all or nothing person.  I can't seem to find that middle ground that will bring peace to my life, my eating, etc. I am thankful for this board and I had to chuckle a bit when I read back to really old posts and realized I have been on this board for 2 years!!!!  Thank you for your words, they mean a lot to me!

Donna, Well there's not much advice that I can add that hasn't already been imparted here today, but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.   I've had no where near the success you have had and find days where I can't help myself from eating another SF fudgisicle, or an extra helping of veggies, or whatever.  I justify it by well at least it's not pizza or candy, but in the long run it is still just mindless eating that I have a hard time controling.... I really beleive we tend to sabbotage ourselves when we get on a good roll.   Remember we are all in this journey together and we don't have all the answers, noone does, but sometimes it just helps to vent and let it out!!! I'm through rambling now, just remember we are here for you!