Just have to say it.

I think that support boards are a wonderful thing.  I believe that everyone needs a helping hand, a rah rah from their fellow listees, and a place where they can come and tell their happy stories and their sad. However, how honestly should we be answering questions of people that are posting on such boards?  How honest should we be about how we feel about what someone is doing or professing to do?   We are not judge and jury but how much do we want to help someone perpetuate their delusions?  Do we read a story of someone on a weight loss support board who professes not to eat junk, only consuming 1000 calories a day, exercising like mad, yet fails to lose weight.  How do you answer someone like that? Are we responsible for being cheerleaders or do we really want to help people and give tips, OR, is it not our responsibility to be arm chair psychiatrists or nutritionists and we should just stick to non-judgemental support? Some would say "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say it at all" and "we are all at different points in our journey, we've all been there, etc." Case in point, a post on the plastic surgery board. "I am 60 pounds from goal, should I have plastic surgery."  Many of us responded by stating that the person should be at least stable, if not at goal, because the body changes so much.  Fifth post down the poster crows on about her surgery date set for a month later.  WHY ASK? Thanks for listening, I'm curious to know what other people think of this.

I try to find the words to state what is on my mind without being mean. I know in my heart when someone is not losing weight when professing angelic habits that it's one of two things...a massive plateau or they are kidding themselves. I try to go with scenario one cuz I do try to think the best of people FIRST before i jump all bad. It is to laugh when people come here, ask questions, then get all pissy when they hear what they really don't want to hear. I realize that if they go away, all *butt-hurt* they were not ready for this journey. If they stay and argue, that's fine with me, they are trying to learn more and get real. This one lady got all indignant on the E&F board, asked what we all thought about her current workout.  So we tell her...then she essentially says Oh well I am paying my trainer for all this, you guys are full of it. I'm left giggling...so why EXACTLY did you come to a public forum board and ask for opinions? Sometimes it is hard to get across a point in posting - you cannot tell when someone is being sarcastic or being a jerk. Most people do not express themselves well in posting, either. Again, I try to moderate my words to not come off judgmental.  However, THEY are the ones asking, i didn't go find them.  This is a public board and there is no control on who comes, where their knowledge level is, etc. Oh I AM human...I get petty once in a while.  I try to keep that kind of thinking down to a minimum and live and let live.  Certain people get under my skin, push my buttons, but i view that as MY problem.  Good post!

hi Neecee, I see you as someone who is very supportive, reaching out to those even if they don't appear ready.  I especially like the information you impart about nutrition and things you've learned.  A friend told me it's a drop in barometic pressure that has me so b****y today. LOL  I guess after a while I find some of the questions redundant and annoying.  But, as you said, take what you want, leave what you have no use for.  I have hit reply and then cancel on more than one post where I KNOW what I am going to say is not going to be met with a smile or a happy face.  And you are very right, we are all responsible for our reactions to other peoples words or actions. Thank you!

When I ask for opinions, I prefer the truth to sugar-coated niceties...so I assume other people feel this way too. This assumption causes me endless grief!

I don't want a cheerleader, and I won't be a cheerleader.  I *will* support people who seem like their heads are in a good place, and I'll shake my head at those who have their heads somewhere else entirely-- I am human. For me, the best use of these forums is to share what each of us has learned in our journeys. While no two people are on the same path, I take bits and pieces from other people's stories and use the info to help me with my own decisions. While I don't expect it, I do hope others can do the same with me. I had a lady send me a private message a few weeks back, saying she lives in my area, weighs 179 pounds, and is really interested in having the LapBand-- and what did I think? I politely told her to blow it out her ass, and that she was crazy-- I just used more diplomatic words. Sometimes, you have to set people straight when they're way off-- not because you don't care-- but because you do. I think of advice kind of like catering. I set out what I have got, and people can pick and choose what they need. I just hope no one jumps up on the table and yells, "This crap SUCKS!"...because then I'd be forced to throttle 'em.   Thanks for the evocative question! P.S. The above is why you wont find me much on the Main or RNY boards. Too many people with too many loose screws. I prefer a smaller and more intimate forum, with tough-minded resolute people who aren't looking for magic answers to life-long problems. Just makes more sense to me.

Most people, me included, want to interchange with people who we deem most like ourselves. I like people who can reach out for help, admit their wrongs, be open minded and have a modicom of common sense.  Everybody else i merely tolerate and be as nice as i can. We all whine (me as the reigning queen here). Sometimes we say really cool stuff. All of us are taking what we want from here no matter how we word it when we ask for help.

Hi Shari, Yes, I am guilty of the same assumption and I've been reminded time and time again that people really don't want to know why, they just want you to pat them on the back and move on.  I feel like you do, that sometimes people really do need to be set on the right track if they are WAY off, because some people don't possess the brains that god gave them, and hardly use them.  I have seen questions on the Main Board where people didn't even know what their surgeons wanted them to eat after WLS. I think one of my favorite sayings is "please don't let me wallow in my own self-delusions.  B***c slap me back into reality."  I think there is nothing worse than someone who deludes themselves and tries to make me buy their schtick. Anyhow, like Neecee said, take what you want and leave the rest.  But I might not be able to hold back when someone ASKS and just doesn't get the answer that they want from me.  Hey, I'm only human! And you are right about the other boards, why I go I have no idea.  Well, the PS board for obvious reasons, but the other boards I have no idea.  On the Grads board there are people going on and on about gaining after a year or two out.  When I posted that getting back on track and back to basics works, I got one response. ONE..  The post about protein shakes one above me got 15 responses.  Oh well.  And if the boards weren't bad enough, my hairdresser had WLS in January.  Well I started my journey in July of 2005 and succeeded in losing 140 pounds in a year.  The other day I went for a pedicure and the other girl there told me that  my hairdresser didn't believe that I did it on my own, that nobody can lose weight like that without WLS.  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr  So I guess it's not just in the virtual world. Thanks for responding.  I hope that you slap me back into reality if I ever need it!!!

I think most people ask because they do want an honest answer, it's just hard to hear someone else say it, especially when its  "bad" or not the easy way.  I'm on this site because I have had the experience of losing weight, but it's still a struggle.  I know that it will always be a conscious effort for me and I think most of the people on this forum know that it will be for them as well. And I enjoy the fact that I can share my ups and downs with people who have had the same experiences.  I enjoy their support and constructive critism.  What doesn't kill me will only make me better. I think the thing that gets alot of people discouraged is when they don't get the fluffy,  fru-fru, hugs and kisses answers they were looking for.  You're right --don't post if you don't want to hear the truth.  All any of us can do is state what we know through our experiences.  That's the part I like the best.  I take little bits and pieces, as Shari stated, and put them to use in places that work for me.  In fact  I didn't make that post about the PS on the PS forum, but when I had questions, I talked to you and Andrea about your experiences and that really helped me to make my final decision.  I appreciated the fact that you laid it all out and said it wasn't all peaches and cream!   I think people need to realize this is just a place to swap ideas and concerns, ups and downs.  We all support eachother, but I love even more that we tell it like it is with out being b*^%$y.  I say be honest and give your opinion. After all, it's only an opinioin and one can toss it out or put it to use. Anyway, that's just my input! Katy

I guess I was getting frustrated over the fact that I would see someone say something really stupid, and not be able to tell my reaction to it.  This is mostly because they didn't ask, so that frustrated me as well!! LOL My own baggage I'd say!!  But you are right, I can give an opinion, hopefully without being *****y, and they can take it or leave it.

It's a slippery slope. I belong to a weigh****chers board and there are people there that have been on that board for years. And to be honest, they are quite bitter. When new people come on asking about WLS or loose skin or what have you it is like a feeding frenzy. They have forgotten what it's like to be at that point in their journey. We all started somewhere and every one is at different points. No two journeys will be the same.  So, when you encounter someone who is still struggling with grasping what works and what doesn't, remember that you were once there too. What would YOU have wanted to hear? What would have made a difference to you. There are two answers here. Either give them the advice you would have wanted to hear, or if nothing would have worked then don't say anything at all. =) -jen

Hi jen...that is right...it may be verbatim ad nauseum to us, but to a new person on the path, they still need the same ole same ole. i get rather irritated with the character Wendell on the lapband board..he posts the lapband 101-1001 and i guess it says to me, 'new people don't ask....we've been down here, we can't tolerate you here, unless you have something (GOD FORBID) I, lord wendell  have not thought of yet. "  Talk about dropping them in their tracks?  I often compare weight loss to a marriage failing...one woman may have physical abuse to deal with, another  gets cold shoulders from her promised one.who suffers the most? Both of them, of course. To either one, it feels just as horrible as to the other.  One person has 100# to lose...the other 50...who hurts and struggles more? Both of them.