Vicious Cycle!

Hi all! I'm new to this site. I am definately inspired by all the amazing people posting on this website. I have seriously considered WLS. I have not gone thru with it yet because I think God is trying to lead me on the path to doing it on my own. I had 2 surgeons picked out, one is NYC when I lived there, and now one in Houston. I was ready and then something happens with insurance, etc. I have always battled my weight, but its been particularly horrible these last few yrs. In HS, my heaviest was 170s. Once I left for college and post-9/11 (EMT from NYC), my weight just started to pile on and on! By the time I got married, they had to let out my dress...keep in mind my dress was enormous on me when I originally purchased it. I'm 23 yrs old and about 260. To make it worse, I'm only 5 feet tall...5'1 depending on the shoes lol. I think I tried every diet out there. Atkins was disasterous. WW didn't work for me, couldn't commit. Jenny Craig was a mess and I was sick of the food. Nutrisystem only led to -5lbs in 4 months and I stopped out of depression. I am not as active as I need to be and have come to accepting its mostly my fault. Everyone knows the vicious cycle. Interestingly, I ran around like crazy during my clinicals (Ultrasound Student) and felt exhausted at the end of the day, but zero pounds came off. I am willing to admit that my secret it is out, with depression and a weight problem, I am also battling bulemia, but even that hasn't worked. I am feeling like a sprialing lost cause and looking for some help. My goal is be at 150lb and be able to jog. I am so envious of those who can jog! lol I walked 1 block, jogged 1 block, and was heaving for 2 blocks until I got to my moms...pathetic I know! I'm not trying to sound like a pathetic weakling. I just looking for some suppor thru this hard time. How do I break the cycle and take control of my life and weight? I starting doing the ball exercises. Got thru 1 day and was in pain for 4. Maybe I should just set 3 alarms in the morning all around my bedroom and just get up. I seriously need to get back to The Firm workouts. They are murder, but they really work your body. Now if I can get off my butt, that would be the first step! lol I'm open to any advice. -Rach

Thank you for the advice! I had no idea low fat diets will cause binging. Unfortunately my cholesterol is also up and my doc strongly advises against increased fat intake. The funny part is I'm not completely delved into a eating disorder and I'm grateful for it. I am definately a hardcore binger bc I get bored, stressed, or emotional, but I find myself at times throwing up after meals bc I feel physically sick from all the garbage I forced myself to ingest. I was watching Strictly Dr. Drew and this guy was throwing up 30 times a day, which was so sad. I've been to an OA meeting once with my husband. I have no idea why I was so afraid to go back. I should definately try going to another meeting. Thanks so much!

Hi! Thanks so much for your kind words. I am glad I'm FINALLY admitting to my problem. It has been an off and on issue. I would go awhile without throwing up after meals and then I'd do it for a little while. I remember I faked a stomach flu for like 2 weeks, just so no one would suspect anything. I think I finally came out in the open when my husband called me on it one day. He was calm about it, but he said it. I thought I was getting away and here he was just being supportive and observant. I've been to 1 OA meeting. It was definately interesting, but for some reason I have this uncomfortable feeling about going back. I thought I was gonna break down in tears the first time I was there. I will have to figure out when is the best time for me to exercise. My schedule is so out of whack. If I'm in school I get up at 6a and don't get home til 6p. If I'm at work, I get up at 4a and don't get home til 730p, so you can understand the chaos. I should definately try to force myself to go early in the morning. Hopefully I'll get past the heaving lol. I'll carry my inhaler just in case. One step at a time I guess. Now if I can fight the temptation to snack while at work lol. I have a bag of pretzels in my bag screaming at me.

rachel - i certainly feel for you. i was 22 and 280 lbs when i started on this weight loss thing - now i'm nearly 28 and around 165 lbs. been in school the entire time! it can be done! you are not pathetic - quit that negative thinking right now! the disordered eating patterns you describe are very dangerous. have you ever tried going to a psychologist? i still struggle a lot with disordered eating thoughts/patterns but have been able to lay off the actual behaviors most of the time. dealing with the emotional issues was a huge aspect of my weight loss journey. i strongly believe that very little of this issue has anything to do with food or exercise (although having good habits with those areas does help). honestly, even when i was eating perfectly and working out everyday, the weight wasn't coming off. it was only after i made some of the mental connections that my body started cooperating. it also sounds like your issues with depression are also impacted your energy level/motivation etc so it might be a good idea to get those checked out as well. when i'm depressed, everything seems to go downhill. being able to run was always my goal as well. i am SOOOOO envious of people who can jog. i just always remember thorughout school being the last one in PE to finally walk in the mile on those stupid fitness tests. i ran a mile for the first time maybe a year and a half ago and i was like seriously crying!! it was one of the best feelings ever. i have done it maybe only about 4 times since then but i'm okay with that. i've faced the fact that i will never run a marathon! since you walk a lot with your work, i would highly recommend getting a pedometer. they can be very motivating because it makes you a lot more conscious of wanting to get steps in so you end up walking up the stairs or doing an extra lap around the hospital floor etc. try to find an exercise you enjoy or can do with someone - if you dread the exercise, it will be hard to stick to a routine. maybe find an exercise buddy to take walks with you or try to get a few personal training sessions with a local gym to give you some new ideas. those are just a few thoughts i'm having right now... hang in there! come here and post to get support when you need it. take care, andrea

Hi Andrea, Thanks for the advice. I have heard from several people I should use my pedometer thingy lol. If I can escape this place sometime this week, I'm DEFINATELY going to do it. I'm stuck at work (911 dispatcher) and it seems I never leave since my coworkers are droppin like flies. I'm glad to hear about your experience of running a mile and a half! That is definately an amazing accomplishment! And ofcoure, so is your weight loss. I remember I was confident enough to try out for my HS's booster team, kinda like cheerleading w/o the tumbling. I ran the whole time, it must have been atleast a mile if not more. I remember my ankles burning and was wheezing for days at a time, after that, I avoided running lol. Then again, I was about 160-170lbs at that point...still big, but sexy. Here is a good luck sign...I have a pretty green butterfly....in the middle of winter....flying around the basement of the 911 communications area. Who would have thought? Good sign! I have been seeing psychologists for a long time. My first one was to deal with my emotions bc my parents were on the brink of divorce when I was 13 -14. Then I was forced to talk to an idiot that shaked at my presence when my father died of lung cancer when I was 14. Then I saw another clueless therapist after 9/11 for bc I suffered from PTSD & Survivor's guilt. I couldn't sleep, I was afraid of the dark, and I think I ate everything in sight those first 3 months. Instead of the freshman 15, I gained the freshman 50! My severe weight gain started from that point really. I saw one good therapist in college about a yr and half afterwards, but it was temporary bc I moved and left the school. So since then, its been kind of a lost cause. I had to concentrate on taking care of my husband after his PTSD kicked in at full speed! I truly believe I have the same issue as you battled...I can exercise all I want, but my psyche won't follow! I am not exactly sure where to begin with my emotional healing. My trauma starts from age 5 and I truly try to repress everything so I can move on with my life and function in society. Which is really the only thing we can truly do. I've done the personal trainer. I was doing soooo well! I was going to the gym 5-6 times a week, working wit my personal trainer 2x a week...5 lbs lost in over a month! That was heartbreaking and then life hit me again and I feel off track...again! I joined up with him at home after he left the gym, but he became more of a friend and I couldn't afford it anymore. Ironically, I haven't been to the gym since bc I have it in my head everyone is laughing at me as I gasp for air on the elliptical lol. I went to my school's gym with some of my classmates once, but it was embarassing bc I was dying, while they were like "La-Te-Da" on their machines and within 30 sec, my heart rate jumped to a dangerous 180 beats per minute! I agree with you, my negative thoughts have got to stop! My mom has been drilling that into me for so long, yet I'm reluctant! I shouldn't be, but I am bc my depression prevails and now I'm on a journey of breaking thru the wall and entering the open surroundings of my life that has been sheltered by my own doing. I am very excited about getting my next shipment of netflix, I ordered Yoga Booty Ballet which is supposed to be soooo much fun and sweat like crazy. Will keep you posted as soon as I get it which will probably be in about 4-5 days. Ok, I'll shut up now lol. I swear being locked up in a room for 12 hrs straight in my own little corner will get my fingers to type like crazy! Thank you to everyone that has welcomed me so warmly and have supported me from day one! I hope I can do the same for all of you! -Rach

i'm running out the door but i just had to respond really quickly to one thing you mentioned about being a tthe gym and feeling embarassed. you can't let this stop you!! first of all, nearly everyone feels self-conscious at the gym - everyone is too busy thinking about their own body to loook at yours. and secondly, who cares? not to be harsh, but why are you letting what other people may/may not be thinking throw you off track? its not like you are keeping them from getting a workout or something. i would definitely recommend getting a trainer again just to have someone to be accountable to and to help you with strength training (i cannot make myself do weights; only with my trainer yelling at me do i actually do them). get back in the gym - it will help you physically and emotionally. i promise. yoga booty ballet sounds like fun. definitely let us know what you think of it.

You are so right! Its amazing how we can be our own worst enemies sometimes! I will try to overcome this fear. I even mentioned to my husband that we just need to go to the gym tomorrow lol. Will defiantely keep you posted on the video as soon as I get it. I'm sure it wil take forever with the holidays lol. Take Care Andrea!

Hi Rachel, Welcome to the non op board. You are not pathethic and MUST stop thinking that way. It's not healthy or fair to yourself. I think most people have body image issues. Shoot, my bestfriend is 5 foot 6 and weights 125 lbs. She recently joined curves cause she feels that she has "rolls" around her stomach lol. She even felt embarrassed to goto the gym at first. You could buy a home gym. One of the things that has really worked for me is to get rid of the word "diet". To me, "diet" meant temporary or something thta I was doing short term for a particular time or event. My advice to you is to count your calories, find the time to work out and find what works for you. We are all here to encourage and support one another Be Blessed Cam

Thank you Cam for your support! Good luck with your battle! I know I have to stop putting myself down. I have been doing it so long its hard to stop. Its amazing how hard it is to break bad habits. Rooting for the good habits!!:-)