Spouses and issues with them....

My husband and I have a very, ummm different, marriage.  I am not sure how to really explain it to people, but most everyone we know can tell that we are 2 VERY VERY different people. I am a put everyone else first..but please dont forget my birthday and holidays person and I content spending time with people I care about....My husband on the other hand will spend hundreds of dollars on himself and not think twice about it. We dont have affectionate moments, to be truthful I cannot remember the last time he held my hand, and the last time he kissed me was last Friday morning before I got on a plane to go visit family in Florida for the weekend. We sleep under  different blankets.  And hardly ever spend time alone together, or heck together at all....

Anyways on to my point. My husband had a bit of an issue with faithfullness in the first 2 years of our marriage (It'll be 3 years in December that we have been married) and I dealt with that b/c for the most part he is good to my/our kids (our son is his, but our daughter is not) Before I married Angel I had a very serious relationship with a guy who is now my best male friend. And Angel is okay with that, but lately I have noticed that he is VERY jealous of me and any other guys even talking and I dont understand it. Let me elaborate by saying that in the past he has told me if he had some where else to go he would leave me, and that our divorce is "inevitable".   I am wondering if I am a possetion to him and now that I am not so over weight if that upsets him....
Any insight would be great

Yikes!  I hear from alot of people if you dont have a strong marriage before surgery your marriage defiantely wont survive after.  I think I would go insane without affection.  How about sex?  My hubby is selfish too.  If he had money to spend it would be on himself, like a video game, where I dont spend any money on myself. I've learned to live with that.  He's not at the clubs or bars so I'm ok him spending money to be home lol.  I dont know.. Only you know what to do.  Do you love your husband?  DO you wanna make it work? 

Vicki are we married to brothers lol?Mine always blamed  my being "huge" on why he was a jerk I blamed it on his drinking guess what we both made changes my weight ,he stopped drinking & he's still a d*ck.Go figure!Sounds like Angel is getting scared that you may just leave.Is he open to therapy?Mine won't says I need help not him.I know that I deserve better & so do my kids & it's coming down to trying to find a way out.I just want peace at this point in my life..Sadly money actually lack of money is stopping me from making changes.Hell I have even thought about looking for a sugar daddy lol

I am jumping in from the PA board, and could not help noticing your post.  My best suggestion would be to see if he would consider marital therapy.  It could help you sort out your marriage and see if it is salvagable.  Most likely, he feels threatened by your weight loss, and the fact that you are attractive to men now.  While he may be a "jerk" to live with, he probably felt secure being your jerk, while you were heavy. 

I have been divorced since 2001, and when my husband left me he attributed it partly to my obesity.  We had a lot of issues big time other than my weight.

Good luck.

Trish from PA

Yikes! Yikes! I would have to agree with Tina...if your marriage was rocky before that will not change after the weight loss... I want to first preface my following statements with that they are only my opnion and not meant to offend anyone..but here it goes... my husband and I are very different...im the cautious one he is the now person in the relationship...I would rather do without for myself and give to other people...where he will think about himself and others first before practicality... We are different in so many ways..but we also have alot in common... our goals..ideals..etc...We have had some trying times..but I couldnt imagine my life without him in it...

We have a ZERO tolerance for infidelity...we had agreed about that when we started dating..not only is it disrespectful to your spouse... but a terrible message to give to your children...if Daddy is ok to the  children its ok to Cheat on mommy ...its disrespectful to your children but is a poor model for the children...you wouldnt want that for your daughter....so why would you accept that  for yourself. Children are very smart even at a young age...they know tension...

Your ex-boyfriend situation is strange to me....I would think that most spouses would not be ok with that...we are not talking about a childhood friend we are talking about a man whom you were extremely close with and in a serious relationship...shared intimate and private moments with..if this relationship is past tense then your "best bud" relationship with him needs to stop...your  married and a mother now...this is your life now..if you want to preserve it stop the relationship especially if it is making your husband uncomfortable...I wander tho if he is telling you your relationship with your ex-bf is ok to make his infidelity ok in his mind...like he srewed up so he will give you a pass...either way I dont think its ok..I would not be ok with my husband being BFF with any of his exes...

I dont think any of your marital issues have arose from your weight loss but seem to have always been there...you would have had these issues whether you are overweight or now. 

If your husband in his mind wants to leave and has always wanted to leave ..LET HIM!  Dont stop him...you and your children are far better off without someone like that than with someone like that...you arent a convenience to him...marriage is work ..its not easy.. Let me ask you something...If the only thing stopping him from leaving you is a place to stay - What kind of marriage do you have to begin with...? Vicki it sounds like your hsi roomate.not wife.. I know its scary Vicki...I believe we have spoken before on the boards...if memory serves me correct we are both young moms- Im 29 with 2 children 1 son (8) and 1 daughter (1) and have been married for almost 8 years... Im sure its scary to think how you may survive without your husband but it  can be done ..there are a tons of resources that you have out there to help you and your children...Im familiar with some as I live very close to you. 

Please feel free to PM me if you need support

Good Luck
Stacey

Don't get me wrong its not bad ALL the time. There are times when I cannot imagine him not being here with us. I love him, but to be honest my biggest issue is that I don't think that feeling is reciprocated right now.
As for my ex, he is fine with that friendship, b/c he is good friends with him now too...They ex also has a girlfriend of 7 years and a baby girl. There are lines I wont cross.
I saw a therapist for a while and she said all men "change" a bit after marriage, the courting phase has ended so many think they dont need to try as hard anymore. Maybe we will try marital counseling. I feel like it might be the last hope...
Thank you guys for your thoughts, It has truely given me something to think about

Hi Vicki,

This is my advise to you. Are you happy? If not than you need to do whatever it takes to be happy. Any man that I have been with I have told them that If am with you it's because I want to be with you, not because I need to be with you. Sometimes I think we feel like we need to be with someone to feel like we are somebody or it may because we feel we need this person for financial reasons. You have to learn to separate the two. You have to know what you want, and the only person you need is yourself. I want to be happy, and am not going to let any man stand in my way of that. Also another thing that we do, is we hope that the other person will change. If you and him both agree to go to counseling, then I would definitely try that, but if you see that he is not going to change,(remember he is going to have to change himself, you can not change anyone) then you know what you have to do, I have been in this situation more than once, it very hard when you love someone so much, but who do you love more him or yourself? I hope that you can work it out. Let us know what the out come is, Good-Luck!!!