Unsupportive Family

Let me start out by saying that I have the most wonderful, loving, caring and supportive HUSBAND I could ever dream of..... the problem really lies with the rest of my family.... My mother, father, sister, my aunt and uncle and some close family friends(all quite slim by the way) can't seem to understand why I am pursuing RNY.  They can't understand why I am over 100 pounds overweight and why I can't take it off without any surgery.  When I finally think I am getting through to them....they start trying to convince me to do the lap band instead since it is considered a safer surgery.  After explaining to them my ultimate decision for RNY and my many many reasons for such a decision....they keep sending me articles and web links that are, frankly, scary! My father won't even discuss it with me.  He acts angry when I bring it up.  My mother keeps telling me "you have 6 weeks to change your mind", my sister (105 lbs) just keeps telling me that I should exercise and not do the surgery,  ugh....the list goes on and on.... Does anyone have any insight to help me deal with these things?  It doesn't seem fair that I spent 2 years making the decision, finally made up my mind, have the blessing and support of my husband, and I still have to deal with all the negativity!   Any insight would be very helpful. Thanks Danielle

For starters stop discussing it with them.I'd simply tell them that while you love them they are entitled to their opinion but you need to do what's best  for you.HAve they ever stopped to consider who'll take care of you in time when  complications arise from being obese?If they never had weight issues they have no clue nor will they so there is no explaining it to  them. I will say that they are most likely just frightened of losing you.One of my sisters( who is obese)tried to talk me out of it.Yet she choses to do nothing about herself & is miserable.This is by far the best gift I have ever given myself & I have no regrets(except maybe when  I want a big fat ice cream from Dairy Queen lol).I know I made the best choice for my future & my kidsGo with your opinion & do what you feel is right for you & you alone.Remember  we are all in the same boat so you can lean on us.The PA boards  are also incredible & very active & lots of us Jersey girls hang out there.Good luck HUgs

Danielle Hang in there!  They say those things for most likely three reasons - 1 - they care about you - 2 - they do not understand the weight issues we have to deal with - 3 -  they are not educated about the surgery enough to understand the "whole package". I'm sure you made your decision based on what your doctor has said and through other forms of education.  Granted, there are some scary aspects of the surgery, but learning about the surgery makes it more understandable.   Every one of us had to hear the good and the bad and decide if it was for us - once you do that, stick with it!   Others will come around eventually.  I'm glad your husband is supportive - that will help get you to surgery & through the rough days!  Unfortunately, the only thing you can do for others is  try to educate them.  Maybe start with one person and bring them to a support group meeting - let them hear how many people would have done it all over again - even if they did have some problems.  If not, your husband sounds like he will be there for you and the support groups are a great way to discuss your issues and hear about what others have gone through - that way you can elminate (or at least diminish) the number of surprises you come across. Good Luck & hope to see you at St Clares meeting on Wednesday! Vicki

Thank you both for all your support.  It really means a lot to me.  I am not one of those people who usually does this kind of thing...chat rooms and support groups....but it really has made a world of difference in the last few weeks and I know you all will help me through the rest... along with my wonderful husband. I look forward to sharing more with you both. Danielle

Danielle: You don't need their support you need their blessing, you tell them that you want a better quality of life and RNY will offer you a quick and hopefully, permanent weight loss. RNY is the gold standard of weight loss surgery...perhaps they can all come with you to meet the doctor to put their fears at ease. My brother was very against me having the surgery too, he heard only negative things about it. The truth is it's safer than gall bladder surgery. The recovery is easier than a hysterectomy (which I had to have 6 months pior to RNY because of a pre-cancerous condition due to my weight). If they will not go along with your decision, I would not discuss the surgery with them and delete all emails they send you that put a negative spin on it. You have us all here who will support and encourage you! I don't know where you live but I encourage you to attend my support group on July 12th so we can prepare you and help you!

Sheri, Thank you so much for that!  You really hit the nail on the head and I know that is what I should do but for some reason it hurts me that they don't trust that I am making the right decision for me!  But I know that is THEIR problem and not mine.  I have the love and support from my husband and right now that is the most important thing to me. I am going to attend a support group that MissVic told me about at St Clares in Dover tomorrow night.  That seems to be the closest to me...I live in sussex county.  I am looking forward to going to a support group and meeting even more wonderful people. Thank you for your very kind thoughts.... -Danielle

Hi Danielle, I just want to say, am sorry to hear that your family is not supportive of you.  I remember one time before I even thought about having surgery I had mentioned to my father about WLS, and he said if you were meant to be thin you would be thin, just try to watch what you eat, you don't need to have surgery.  So I decided to listen to my dad, because I thought he would never support my decision to have the surgery, my mom wasn't sure either way.  But then I did some research, and this is what I wanted, and when I told my family, at first they weren't sure about my decison, but eventually they came around, and now my father applauds me, he saids am very courageous because I went through a surgery, that I volunteered for, he said he doesn't think he could ever do that.  My Mom says she is very happy for me, but always tells me that I have always been beautiful in her eyes, big or small.  I just want to say they will come around, once they see how great you are doing.  But remember if they don't this is your life, and your decision.  Good-Luck!!!!

Melissa, Thank you sooo much.  People on this site are amazing.  Some of the best people I think I've ever met in my entire life. I understand that they are scared and all I can do now is hope they come around....because this decision HAS BEEN MADE and there is no turning back for me. Thank you Hugs, Danielle

hey danielle well First, stop asking them for something they are not willing to give you. then, Second, go on and have this awesome surgery, your life will change forever in the most postitive of ways. good luck jacki

Jacki, Thank you so much for that!  Really, I have been feeling so much better about this situation ever since I put a message up and heard back from so many of you.... I can't wait for my new life to start!!!! Thanks again Danielle