My 5-Year Surgiversary - Hurt and Angry! (LONG)

OK – so today is the fifth anniversary of one of my life’s most momentous occasions – the day I had gastric bypass.  This was the start of a roller coaster of life’s rides – incredible highs and depressing lows also.

However, today I’m feeling hurt, angry and frustrated.  More than anything else, I’m angry at myself!  I started this journey at 340 pounds on June 16, 2003, hit a low after 17 months at a weight of 156 – settled at 160.  Although this was still ten pounds over my own personal goal, I felt and looked good.  Now, here I am five years later, and I weigh just over 200 pounds again – feeling like a failure when I once thought I finally had this ‘fat’ think beat!

During that first 18 months, I really felt my pouch and thought that I was in touch with all that made this ‘tool’ work.  I exercised at least four to five times per week and had a job I loved.  I started a local WLS Support Group (OCWLS) that is still going strong five years later.  I also buried my husband of 28 years, grieved and tried to move on, started researching my plastic surgery options, started dating and going out again, and ultimately met the man that would become my second husband!  Wow – an awful lot of changes.

In the next 18 months, I completed all my plastics (lower body lift, breast lift and augmentation, medial thigh lift and face lifts).  I was wearing a size 8/10, felt pretty for the first time in my life, and was living and loving life to the max.  I planned my second wedding to the man that had nursed me through all my plastics, and had proved that he was a ‘keeper’ and was totally overjoyed that I had found love again – I felt like the luckiest woman in the world!

One thing that ‘the new guy’ never tried to hide from me was the fact that he had a ‘weight phobia’ – that he had never dated a heavy girl before, and we talked about this at length.  I assured him that although I wished he felt differently – after all, my head and heart were the same as it was when I weighed over 300 pounds, I hadn’t gone through all that I had to gain the weight back again.  I assured him that I felt that I could maintain my weight below 175 pounds for the rest of my life – and I truly believed it!

We married in June 2006 – and overall life has been full and good.  We certainly have our issues, and marriage just seems a bit harder the second time around – probably because we are both ‘control freaks’ and are used to making the decisions.  We have had to learn to share the wheel – and for the most part, we do real well.

So what went wrong – why have I gained 40+ pounds?   I no longer ‘feel’ my pouch – my stoma has stretched – I graze entirely too much, especially at night – I stopped going to the gym and exercising on a consistent basis.  I started drinking alcohol again – too many useless calories. 

Now, I am intelligent – I know all these things and can’t seem to stop sabotaging myself.  I have made numerous attempts to GET BACK ON TRACK – I’ve seen a psychologist (no insights there), I signed up, and went through Barbara Thompson’s Back on Track Program.  I even scraped the money together (over $9,000) in order to have the experimental Stomophyx procedure to tighten my stoma back in October – well, I’m ten pounds heavier now, than when I had that procedure done!

I do well for a few days, then fall completely off the wagon – and start overeating.  Now, I know that my weight gain bothers my husband – we’ve talked about it a few times, and overall he has been supportive of my efforts –

Well, yesterday he said he wanted to talk – that he was very upset with me.  He said he married a beautiful, vibrant, sexy woman and though I was still all those things, every day it was obvious to him that I was still gaining more weight and that it really disturbed him.  He asked if there were anything he could do to help me – well of course, there really isn’t – it’s something I have to do. 

Why can’t I?  Why have I become too lazy to go to the gym?  Why do I just ignore that voice inside my head warning me, when I want to eat?  Why?

Today, is my Surgiversary and instead of celebrating, I am angry at myself for sabotaging the gift at a second chance that RNY gave me, and hurt that my weight gain matter s so much to my husband, and can’t help but question – Does He Really Love me?

OK – I’m whining, but I have finally hit a wall – finally admitted that I have fallen down, and can’t seem to get back up….

Hugs, Nannette

hi nanette i have great admiration for you -- i always have -- ever since i started coming to the jersey board - you are one of the few people i look up to  of course he can help you and together you can do this -- go shopping together - don't argue with him when he won't let you buy the 'grazing' foods - have him walk with you - have him go to the gym with you - plus all this gives you 'together' time - the nice weather is here to hit the beaches and boardwalks -- get out there - the two of you - and walk til it hurts - get away from the tv and the times that you have to 'graze'  pick yourself up by your bootstraps - you know how - stop making the excuses about how tired you are or how you have to do something else -- if you don't take care of yourself first then you won't be able to take care of your husband who you love maybe even talk to your doc about 'happy pills' to put yourself back on track -- you went thru a job loss and trying to get your mom the services she needs -- 'happy pills' aren't a stigma -- possibly they could help -- just have to find the right one and the right dose  good luck to you nanette know that i love you and care about you  hugs roberta

Hi Nannette, I have seen many of your post but have never responded to them. I lurk on the NJ forum but rarely post I am always on them main forum. Just does not seem like there is much going on over here I do check in though. Well listen you my dear are truly an inspiration for me and I am sure many others out there. You have hit a low spot BUT you recognize it. YOU can do this and I know thats what you would tell all of us! You are such a beautiful woman and have come so far. I just know that with a little help for us YOU will pick yourself up and move forward. I think we all go through this same thing I too have found myself eating the wrong things and feeling like a failure at times I am only 7 months out but the honeymoon is over and real life begins when you have to watch what you eat... Get back to the gym eat your protein first lower the carbs, get your water in and hit the gym!!!!!!!!!! Exercise is vital and it will hel your mental state sooooo much. I know cause I just went through a low spot cause I was sick and unable to exercise OMG you talk about feeling depressed.... WOW.... Well now I am back to running my 4 to 6 mile runs and I am going to the gym every other day and lifting I see such an improvement in how I feel!!!! its better then any drug!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish we lived closer I would get you out running with me!!! So I guess what I want to say is YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for being one of my inspiration!!!!!! Hugs and Love, Lois

Nannette, Congratulations on your surgiversary!   It sounds like you've had a bittersweet time of it all, but while I don't know you and am still in my first year post-surgery (am a Jersey resident and found more activity on the PA and Over Fifty Forums, so I only check in here periodically), I want to applaud your courageous post and what I hear is every WLS person's fears being expressed in your very eloquent words.  It takes courage to admit that you are struggling, but the good part is your recognition and admission that you must change something and the knowledge you have in your hands as to what needs to change, you very simply must DO IT!  The reason you must is simply that you will just continue to gain weight if you don't.   On the PA board there is a gentleman, Norm, he gained back 60 lbs. at one point, like you he recognized that he had gotten off track, he just got tired of going to the gym all the time and making the right choices, well he went back to the gym and began making the right food choices and lost it again and is a regular participator in his process.   You have a loving husband, who while he is a phobic about weight, he is also supportive and communicating with you, you have had life situations that caused you to slide into old behaviors, use all the knowledge that the last 5 years gave you, use your supportive husband and the friends you've made as a result of this journey and continue on your journey.  You can do it and simply need to believe in yourself all over again!  I believe in you and I wish you success! Hugs, Laureen

 

Hi Nannette, When I started out a year ago on my journey, I looked up to you, and I still do.  You have to stop feeling so bad, and find the things that make you happy.  We all want to be thin, but remember we all need to realize that this is way God made us.  The only reason we should stop eating the wrong things is to be healthy.  If you are unable to do that don't beat yourself up.  If your husband is having a problem with who you really are, than I say he doesn't really love you for you.  If you chose to lose the weight it should be for you, not for anyone else.  I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now, and he loved me when I was 300lbs, I was the one who wanted to change my life.  If I had never had the surgery he would still be with me because he loves me for me.  Do you understand you really need to stop stressing, and love, and respect yourself for who you are.  No one else matters.  If you want to lose the weight remember is it because you want to be healthy.  I pray that you realize that you are a beautiful person inside and out.

Hi Nan, Like all of the other posters I too have looked to you for inspiration.  We even chatted at Quix one time just before you did the Stomophix.  The journey of Weight Loss is not an easy one no matter how you do it.  Please look back over your journey, you have done f..tastic.  You wanted something and you went after it.  You went through so much in that period of time but your eye was always on the goal.  You can do that again.   Nan you are a leader and we are all here to support you.  Now grab my hand and I will grab Roberta's and so on.  Get up dust yourself off and get kicking.   If there is anyone on any of these boards that can do this YOU ARE THE ONE. Much love and luck to you. Jeanne

Hi, Nannette. Long time/no speak. It's been AGES since I've been on this board and I really only stopped by to check out who is here.  I'm so sorry you're going through what you are. Though I wouldn't say we were very close, we certainly have known each other for a while now--three or four years if I'm not mistaken. I won't get too into detail but I'm sure you remember how many changes I've gone through since WLS. I remember the last time I attempted a meeting, everyone was horrified when I said I eat a bagel and cream cheese with my coffee every morning. And rightfully so. I won't deny it-I've put back on some of the 120+ lbs I originally lost. Recently more than ever since WLS it became apparent I couldn't control how much I was eating. So instead, I started focusing on WHAT I was eating. I started 'doing' Atkins with a few revisions just so I'd have some sort of structure in terms of going back to lower carb eating. I don't eat slabs of bacon (not that they suggest it, anyway) but I do avoid breads, pastas, rices, etc. I splurged for my birthday and had a salad with rice noodles and all, but then back on the wagon Monday. I was never a regular exerciser, so I won't claim I ever tried. I guess what I'm trying to say is...it took strength to do everything you've done. It took strength to go through all the things you did. You are strong, so let's start by reminding you of that! I'm not addressing your situation at home because that's none of my business, but am addressing the subject of YOU and what you can do for YOU. The hardest part of stopping any addictive behavior (and I've quit a LOT of them) is starting. Making the decision to do it and just jumping in.  If you need help you know you have it. If you need strength we ALL know you have it. I empathize with you and I know it's not easy....but I also know you can do it. Just trying to offer a word of encouragement from a long-lost voice in NJ.

Nannette,I agree with everyone & have nothing else to add other than HUGE HUGS to you!!!! This was posted on BArix site the other day maybe it'll be a bit enlighteningIt was for me  

Life Lessons

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone.  It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God.  He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye.  But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.

17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.

18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood.

          But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.

          Don't save it for a special occasion.  Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone, everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick.  Your friends will. Stay in touch.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.  Make it memorable.

38. Read the Psalms.  They cover every human emotion.

39. Get outside every day.  Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

45. The best is yet to come.

46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

48. If you don't ask, you don't get.

49. Yield.

50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift

Thanks so much for the life lessons.  I am going to send this to everyone on my email list!  So many of them apply to the strugles all of us face most days.  I have been getting off track the last few days and this thread really gave me the encouragement to stop it right now!  Thanks to all of you for your posts.  Helen

Hi Nannette,  I don't know if you remember me.. I haven't been here in  a while, but when I read your update i was just blown away.. You worked so hard....please don't give up... Everyone has always looked to you as a roll model, I am walking the same shoes regarding the weight gain.. please take care.  Donna