Need a shoulder

Hi Everyone, I have been in a relationship with someone for over 2 yearsnow, and he seem to love me for me.  He never care about how big I was, Our favorite thing to do together was to eat.  Now that I had the surgery we don't eat together anymore.  He still likes to eat and he is overwight, he would never get the surgery and that is okay with me because I love him for him.  Since things have changed about the way I eat, things seem to be different between us.  He hates to talk about my weight lost and acts funny towards me now.  He has even been really mean to me.  I have tried to talk to him but he seems to get even meaner, I am so sad right now, he did try to cheat on me a few months back but got caught.  I thought that things would get better since I had the surgery but it's worse, he doesn't want what I want anymore, I feel like am being mentally abused, and I know I don't need to stress myself out right now, after just having the surgery 8 weeks ago.  I want to let go but I love him so much, but I know that is what I need to do. Melissa

hi melissa so sorry to hear about that :(  i don't know what to say to you -- ross always says he misses going out to eat -- but there have been so many other factors besides surgery -- i went from working days to working nights -- now i'm not working but he's doing a side job doing over a basement so he's never home to eat together -- just other factors are coming into play -- maybe it's other factors with you too -- maybe the new job -- maybe the kids -- maybe anything -- try talking to him again -- and let him yell and scream and just listen -- don't answer him -- let him go on and on and maybe it will come out -- i don't know -- try anything once -- not sure what to tell ya -- just sorry to hear of your situation :( hugs roberta

Melissa, I'm so sorry you're going through this.  Mark has had a few instances where he's almost been angry I had the surgery.  We'll be married 12 years next month.  We still go out to eat....a lot.....but he feels funny about it at times.  You said your man is overweight.  Maybe he can't handle that you're taking control of your health.  My husband would never think of having the surgery.  He's made it very clear he'd rather eat and eat and eat.  I told him fine.  Just make sure all your life insurance is paid up and the insurance on the house is paid. I have a feeling this guy is feeling VERY insecure about all the positive things that are happening to you.  You said he tried to cheat before.  Why wouldn't he try again?  You're a gorgeous woman.  Don't "settle".  I know when we're heavy we feel like we should settle because "someone" wants us.  Don't allow him to abuse you or make you feel bad about having this surgery.  You don't deserve to be treated like that.  No one does.  Just keep doing what you're doing.  You're doing such a great job. 

Melissa, As someone who has been in a physical/emotional abuse relationship before, and stayed for quite some time, much much much to long I should say, I know all of this is hard.  I know letting is go is the hardest thing to do.  There's a few things though that make me nervous.... 1)  "I thought that things would get better since I had the surgery" Obviously things were not perfect or great between you before the surgery.  Having the surgery, even if the main reason is to benefit yourself, will not help a failing relationship.  It's the equivelant of having a bad relationship after one child, and then conceiving another child in order to "keep the family together"  It puts more strain on the relationship.  With obesity, you could BOTH hide your emotions in food if needed.  Now, that is not a possibility for you - nor can he distract you from his behavior by giving you food.  It's a two way street. "He did try to cheat on me a few months back but got caught."  I hate to be blunt...he got caught that time.  He may not have other times.  And he may not in the future. I'm sorry you are going through all this - especially during a time when you are emotionally vulnerable as well.  I would go ahead and talk to him when you can - but please please don't stay if he's mean or abusive in ANY manner to you.  The hurt is horrible if you have to break up - but the feeling of freedom soon takes over and the elation is a thousand times better. Good luck...PM me if you would like! Pam

hi melissa im so sorry you are going thru this right now.   please take care of yourself first. having the surgery was a wonderful step for you. unfortunately you cannot be responsible for his attitudes about food or anything else.  either he will be willing to change or he wont. and if he isnt, you have to think of yourself first.  in the long run, thats how life is. as to the eating out part, hubby and i eat out all the time.  in the first few months i hardly ate anything, but its something we both enjoy doing and we coped. now im further out and can at least make a dent in a meal, but i always take home leftovers. and if he tried to cheat once, i agree with the other poster, who knows what else has been going on.  some ppl. just cant cope with a relationship in which their partner has changed. i wish you luck, jacki

Sorry for your situation.  You have done a very positive thing for yourself and you need to continue on that path regardless of your relationship situation.  Sometimes people can't handle change in a relationship regardless of what that change is.  He may think that you are moving forward without him so he needs to find someone before you do.  He apparently has insecurity issues.  Food and eating doesn't make a relationship. If that is all he had with you, then there wasn't much there to begin with.  You may not have realized it because of your own insecurities.  Talk with him about it, maybe he isn't even aware of how he is treating you.  Maybe write a journal for a week or two of what is happening between the two of you.  When you sit down with him you will have something to show him in writing.  Include his attitude and demeanor and words towards you.  My concern for you is that he attempted to cheat.  Is it really the first time?  Will it be the last?  Make sure you continue to make yourself a priority and not him.  I know you love him, but love yourself first and take all this in and make good decisions for yourself.  Make sure when you say he is getting mean that you are being abused.  Physical abuse is not the only type of abuse.  If you have family, confide in them and see what they say.  I think you really have the answers regarding your relationship, you just may need some confirmation and support.  Please don't allow it to go on too long and ruin the efforts you are putting in for a long happy healthy life. Take care!!!

Thanks Everyone for the shoulder, I decided that it just isn't going to work out between my boyfriend and I, and I need to move on.  I deserve to be happy.  I admit that I did settle for being with him because I was lonely and in the back of my mind I was thinking that I couldn't get anyone else because of my weight.  Well watch out world I am proud of myself for the changes I have made in my life and I need to continue, I don't need anything or anyone in my life anymore to bring me down.  So I will be okay and I will ask God to continue to take care of me and to continue to give me the strength to go on. Melissa

Good for you and your decision.  I think it may be the right one.  If you are meant to be together, it will work out.  He learn he has to move forward with you and not against.  Remember the strength that you have today as you will need it in the coming weeks.  You once made a brave and courageous step to change your life in a positive way, now you have to do it again and you will be just as successful!  Remember, it is not your job to make others happy with you.  You have to be happy and confident in yourself and find the person that fits.  You will!  Keep up the good positive work and look forward to your long and healthy life, with or without someone immediately in it.

im sorry to hear your going thru something like that. i think you should really evaluate the relationship because according to what i hear he is jelious that your loising all the weight and he thinks that now he has alot of compitetion or maybe he is on some kind of trip where he wants you to stay big so that your not able to get anyone but him.