Fight with Mom

I had a big fight with my mother tonight about the surgery. She's worried; she's still convinced it's dangerous surgery (any surgery is, but this procedure done laparoscopically is about as safe as surgery ever gets), and, of course, she's fixated (like any Jewish mother) on what I can and can't eat afterwards. She's worried about how I'll handle the holidays, and other family food-oriented events. My sister, of course, garbled everything I told her when she called about it on Sunday, so Mom was all upset. I explained (again) that the initial pouch will be about 2 ounces (the size of an egg), but over a year or so, it will stretch to about 8-10 ounces. If you think about what Weigh****chers says is a normal meal (3-4 ounces of protein, 1/2 c of vegetables), that's just about 8 ounces. I can't have sweets, very-high-carb foods or fatty foods because they'll cause dumping, which, I'm told, is seriously no fun (the best description I've heard is that it feels like seasickness - nausea, sweating, chills - and lasts 5-60 minutes). (I know YOU all know this; I just want someone to reassure me that my reasoning and arguments are sound.) I think I convinced her that I'm willing to sacrifice some foods, and the ability to gorge myself, for the sake of a new, healthier, more attractive me. I don't want to die of complications of obesity at 65 after spending the next 30 years single. I'd rather take this risk...

Maybe it would help to tell your Mom someone else's story and how it relates to you somewhat. My story is as follows: I have been overweight my entire life. I have alway felt that I was being judged by others based on my appearance, and for the most part I was. I have never enjoyed life. Each passing day I would wish for an end to my misery. My entire family is also overweight on both sides. However, I have cousins who are so thin, you can see thru them. Its ironic, same gean pool, go figure. My father underwent gastric bypass surgery in 1976. Back then many people did not survive the surgery. He came thru it well and went from 450# down to 180#. I wanted the surgery back then, and he would not permit it. He was one of the few people who survived and didn't think the odds were in my favor. Especially since there was only one doctor in the Pennsylvania area doing the surgery. As the years went by and the surgery progressed and more and more people were getting stomach stapling and banding, and duodenal switches..... suddenly RNY became a household word. Now my father was interested in me getting the surgery. However, insurance would not cover it without a fight and the surgery that cost $1000 in 1976 was now going for $30,000. I went round after round with my insurance company and they would not approve me. I was 465# and miserable. I could barely walk 10 feet without being totally out of breath, feet throbbing, heart racing, red faced, needing to sit and rest for half an hour. I was on my way to becoming an invalid. I dreaded the thought that my life was getting worse day by day. Shorthly after my Dad turned 70 he passed away from totally unrelated WLS issues. In his thoughfulness, he left me a life insurance policy that would cover the cost of the surgery if I was serious about getting my life on track. I made the move. In March 2006, I went for the surgery after losing some of my weight on Atkins. It is now 11 mos. later and I am down 155#. I could not be happier. Everyday I wake up smiling. I find myself singing in the shower. All day I have a impish grin on my face. People constantly ask, why are you smiling? What is going on. I only can say "I now have a life", a real life. One that is not tied to wide seats in movie theaters, armless chairs in the office or restaurant. I can get into cars now. Before I was limited to van's but needed a step stool to get in. I still have 145# to go, but even if I never lost another pound, I am so much better off than I was 11 mos. ago. In January '06 I went to a funeral director to make arrangements for myself in the event I did not come out of surgery. I had myself measured for a casket. I had to get the widest casket they could get. Of course, I came through the surgery with ease, and now I can get a refund on the wide casket. But I went through the whole mental anxiety of weighing the pros and cons of the surgery. There are risks in everything you do everyday. I would have rather tried to succeed at defeating this weight issue then to not wake up one morning from a stroke in my sleep from my excessive weight. This surgery was something I waited 33 years for. Now that I am 50, I have a chance at life. My only regret is that I didn't have it done when I was young enough to get more out of life. Feel free to take whatever you need from my story to allow your Mom to see your struggle with weight and health. You know she wants what is best for you, its the presentation that can make or break her opinion of WLS. Wishing you all the best with your decision to join us on the losers bench.

Hey Randy -- don't know if your mother is local or not, but it may help to bring her to an OCWLS meeting with you. Several of our members have had reluctant spouses, families, etc and once they heard the overwhelming positive stories, saw before and after pictures, increased health, etc. -- they have almost always decided to support the surgery. And yes, your arguments are sound! Hope to see you (and your mother) at a meeting soon. Hugs, Nannette

No, my folks are up in Queens.

Tell you mom to chill out so what if you cant eat at the holiday times(but I understand jewish mom's cause I am jewish)it's your body.I had my surgury in november I am diabetic,high blood pressure since surgury I dont take any diabetic medicine and my blood pressure medicine is half. If you need to email me: [email protected]. Harris It was definetly worth it.

I agree with Nannette, maybe bringing her to a meeting will help. I actually didn't tell my mom I was having surgery until 3 months after I did it. (I live in another state). Afterwards she would cry that I'm starving myself to death. Two years later she finally has calmed down, a little. She just wants to protect you... Your arguments are completely sound. If she's like my mom, she shows her love by feeding, so now she has to find a new way...

hey randy im sorry you and mom dont see eye to eye on this. however, that being said, it is your life and your decision to make, not hers she needs to understand this and u need to have the surgery. as far as the holiday, i had the whole family over for the jewish holidays this year. i cooked all the things i always cook for the jewish holidays and i ate what i could. and you know what, life went on. i think maybe part of what u said is in an effort to convince yourself, and you know that this is a good thing to do, but hey we all had our moment with doubts. if i can help in any way, just message me thru here. the bottom line is that a holiday lasts two days(for us jewish folks) and your life will hopefully be long and happy and on the losing side. hugs, jacki

Randy, I understand entirely.... My nice, jewish mother-in-law was very worried about me. As far as food goes, this Pesach you'll enjoy the broth on the matzo ball soup immensely!!! (no matzo balls though), maybe a bissel of gefelte fish..... definitely stay away from the haroses (the nuts will kill you that early out). Enjoy the holiday itself and let mama know that next year you'll be able to sample small amounts of many more foods than this year. Please feel free to have her call me if she would like to speak with me, ok? I'll gladly talk to her for as long as she would like and answer any of her questions. Hugs, Kathryn 5'3" 285/129 2 years out and loving life!!!

Hi Randy! I'm a friend of Robin's....I am Jewish and can relate with what you are writing about your Jewish mother but remember, this is your decision, you are NOT asking for her permission, only her support. I think she is worried about you more than anything else. My brother didn't support my decision even though my parents did. I told my brother about my diabetes and sleep apnea and the meds I take and the long term complications of both co-morbidities. I told him that I didn't want to have to walk with a cane or walker or get dialysis or go on insulin or lose a toe due to neuropathy. Now, 50 lbs off later, food is not a big deal for me. I couldn't care less if I eat out or even if I eat at all. Thin people don't think about food constantly, they eat to live,not live to eat. Kathy is right, you will be able to eat many foods in the future but always just a little taste. Thanksgiving came 2 weeks after my surgery and I pureeed my turkey and had a dot of sweet potatoes. Dr. JB told me that after surgery I would be able to sit at a table full of food and will have no desire to eat anything....that is so true but until you face it you can't understand it! I wish you good luck on Weds, have Robin let us know how you are doing! Mazel Tov! You will NOT regret your decision to get healthy and slim!