Fatal Humor

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?" He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and (hold iron to ear) shhh! I accidentally answered the iron." The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?" He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!" A guy goes in to see a psychiatrist. He says, "Doc, I can't seem to make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?" How about the stupid guy who got a job at the candy factory, working quality control, throwing away all the M&Ms that said "W"? He doesn't eat M&Ms himself... He says they're too tough to peel. Two bowling teams charter a double-decker bus; they're going to Atlantic City for the weekend. One team is in the bottom of the bus, and the other team is in the top of the bus. The team down below is whooping it up when one of them realizes he doesn't hear anything from the top. He walks up the stairs, and here are all the guys from the second team clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles, scared ot death. He says, "What the heck's goin' on? We're down here havin' a grand old time." One of the guys from the second team says,"Yeah, but you guys've got a driver!" A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven. A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabby.uot; St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "Here we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabby drove his taxi, people prayed." Jimmy and Kathy are newlyweds in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night, and Kathy's in the bathrom. As Jimmy's getting undressed he says to himself, "How am I going to tell her? How am I going to tell my new wife that I have the world's smelliest feet?" Then he throws his socks under the bed. Kathy walks out of the bathroom, and, too chicken to face her, Jimmy runs past her and *he* goes into the bathroom. Kathy sits on the edge of the bed and says to herself, How am I going to tell him? How am I going to tell my new husband that I have the world's worst breath? I've got to tell him." Just then Jimmy walks out of the bathroom. Kathy runs up to him, gives him a huge wet kiss, pulls back and says, "Honey, I've got to tell you something." Jimmy says, "Yeah, I know. You just ate my socks."