Husband Refuses to Discuss Surgery! Help!

Wow, there is so much to think about. For about four years I have been toying around with the idea of surgery. I probably would have already had the surgery if it were not for my husband's objections. He will not even talk about it. I have basically told him this time that I am having the surgery, with or without his blessing. If I had had it four years ago I would be going into the surgery 40 lbs lighter. I also have been diagnosed with sleep apnea this year. He doesn't realize that not having the surgery is more dangerous than having the surgery. Has anyone else had such fierce opposition from a spouse?

Hi. I was lucky and had 100% support from my husband. I am sorry you do not. Does your Doctor have a support group? Would your husband be willing to at least go to a meeting? This might help. I've seen couples month after month where one was not supportive and after learning, seeing they come around. If not maybe you could talk to someone, a therapist? Maybe that seems a bit much but I know it is important to have all the support you can and this is the man you love, he needs to support you. He may be affraid for you and just feeling like he knows what the risk is of being heavy. But not wls. Maybe you could get him to go to the doctor with you? Good luck. Do what is best for you and your quality of life. Shaun

my husband and i went into this as a team effort what are yur husbands concerns?? reassure him that you know the downfall of surgery also -- go to some support meetings -- have him read the profiles here, good and bad -- but find out why he REALLY is against you having the surgery -- and then learn about it together hugs Roberta

Marie~ I am glad you posted here, you will get a lot of good opinions from people who may have had the same situation. When I first started talking about having WLS my husband he was very scared. He looked at it as "another" thing we would have to deal with in our already busy, hectic and over scheduled lives. (We have a 14, 15 and 16 year old children who are very involved in every type of sport you can imagine!) THEN he remembered that one of his friends (Eddie), who he has been friends with since high school, had the surgery almost 3 years ago. He hasn't seen him since the surgery, but knew that Eddie would tell him the truth about his experience. Eddie went from being probably 400 pounds to 220 pounds, he did know that. He called him immediately. Eddie's exact words to my husband were "God Bless Michelle Danny, this will be the best thing that she has ever done for herself." Eddie told him about the entire experience and my husband hung up the phone and said "I am so excited for you honey, you are going to have a new life!" With that little personal story told, I think that getting your husband to attend a support group with you, he can hear others (preferably other men, in my opinion) tell their stories, and hopefully his fear can turn into excitement for your new opportunity to have a better, healthier, longer, happier life Please continue to post here and check the responses, I trust that you will get some very good ideas from the members here, they are genuine and want the best for you...good luck and Godspeed. Michelle

Hi - I'm so sorry for what you are going through and I am actually going through a similar situation. I am scheduled for surgery on July 31st... my husband is not happy about it all, doesn't want to discuss it, tells me that I'm a terrible mother that I would take such a terrible risk and continues to say he loves me the way I am. I asked him to attend the initial meeting, didn't come to the surgeon, probably won't come to the pre-op class and I'm okay with this. I've put this off for so long and finally said to him that I'm sorry he doesn't want to take this journey with me but I have to do this for myself. I don't want to risk waiting and possibly gaining more weight and I've realized that with or without him I need to do this for me and in making myself happy hopefully down the road everyone will be happier and if not.... we'll have to go our separate ways. It sounds harsh but I feel like its my life to live as well and its hard enough living day to day but its harder when your heavy and feel terrible! I want to know how it feels to have children and feel like bringing them to the park, wanting to take them to the town pool... attend school functions without a jacket on in the summer! LOL!!! I just want to feel good about myself. I spoke at length about this when I went to my psych evaluation and he agreed with me which gave me an even bigger boost! Stick to your guns and do this for you! I hope I helped... and wish you well!

Hi Marie. I can relate. My husband wasn't happy. More than being worried about the risks involved, he was worried about how my surgery would affect his life. He was worried that I wouldn't cook anymore and that I wouldn't be able to go out to eat with him. Well, almost three months later, he sees that I can eat. That I do go out and that my surgery really hasn't made a huge difference in HIS life. On the other hand, it has made a huge difference in mine. I'm much happier. He has been somewhat supportive since the surgery. Since my weight was never an issue for him, he doesn't see the big benefit. Do it for yourself. Gerry

You should also keep in mind that your husband may have some insecurities once you have this surgery. As the weight comes off you will definitely change physically and even mentally. You will get a whole lot more attention from people once the weight starts coming off especially from the opposite sex. Your husband may be concern that you aren't going to be the same person as you are right now and he is correct. But you have to let him know that change is a positive thing and that you are changing your health for the better. Good Luck, Carla

Marie Good luck and Godspeed, and my prayers are with you regarding your husband. I would be firm in my choice to have the surgery, but be very supportive of him and let him know that you love him and care for him and that wont change. Know this: I was over 650 pounds for nearly 15 years of my adult life. It took a divorce, and trying to live on my own.. and then developing high blood pressure, Type II diabetes, water retention, sleep apnea so bad they call it fatal sleep apnea , and a host of other problems .. my doctor said.. Timmy.. unless you deal with it you wont live to be 50. Marie some people just cant handle the idea of surgery to lose weight. Many people think.. Oh go on a diet. But those of us that have dieted and then *ALWAYS regained the weight... it has progressed to a disease .. one that surgery is ONE tool to help change your life. If you have the surgery... if you learn all you can about it...if you follow the instructions of your surgeon..... if you take it seriously as a tool and as a first step to change your life in wonderful ways forever... then it WILL work for you. Thats almost a guarantee, from over a year of meeting 50+ different people at our support group meetings... everyone SINGLE person has said they would do it again. A few (like between 3-4) of the people have had complications, usually mild to medium, but always short in duration.. and the benefits far outweigh the complications. Complications are the EXCEPTION.. not the norm. I was over 600 pounds the day of surgery.. and have had NO complications. My wife was over 300 (the lovely Sandi : ) and now is near goal, two years out, and has had no complications. Do it for yourself. Do it for YOU... so that you can regain areas of your life, of activity that you have forgot. I went from 8x to a 2x... I can drive a car again... I can ride in a plane (airliner seat)... I can wear a fanny pack purchased at Walmart.... I could ride the rides at Walt Disney World... I can walk 4 miles at a time now..... I dont have sleep apnea very bad.. it gets better as I lose more weight I am NO longer diabetic. I am NO longer high blood pressure I like myself again : ) I can walk around in shorts and a t shirt.. summertime garb and not feel like my clothes came from Omar the Tentmaker. I can attend a HS reunion now and not feel ashamed. And I was blessed to find a woman who not only puts up with me but who married me midway on the journey, and is 1000 percent supportive cuz she had the surgery, too : ) But.. if your asking.. DO it. Do it for you.. And if your ever near lakewood or Toms river on the nights we meet, bring your husband along : ) We have a diverse and fun group with a lot of men type people... and we all have BEFORE and after pictures.... I think maybe he doesnt see it as a medical necessity? Or he may feel... or think...that your Okay without the surgery? But most of all, he is scared for you....he hears the horror stories rather than the 97-99 people out of 100 that get the surgery and have no complications.. he hears the story bout the one ;person who did. Your husband needs to be around more people that have HAD the surgery and see the difference it makes. Its radical and very impressive. It has a high rate of success if you treat it seriously and do all your surgeon says. Lettuce know how it comes out? Keep us posted.. and sorry for the salad humor : P God bless.. Godspeed Timmy Ray