Where am I now? (x-post)

Today is my 30th wedding anniversary.  I really can not believe it has been 30 years ago today that I said "I do" to my sweetie.  We have had many ups and downs but it has really been a wonderful marriage.  Our life today has never been boring and I have learned not to "Sweat the Small Stuff".  We have decided to celebrate our special day in November with a trip to Disney.  We will ride an Amtrack sleeper car to and from Orlando and stay in a really nice resort hotel in Disney for 5 days.  It should be cool enough for my DH to enjoy and still not too cool that I will freeze to death!

A few weeks ago, Ray, my boss and friend of more then 22 years took his life.  I can not remember the death of anyone having such a impact on me in my 49 years.  I had already been struggling with changes at work since last October.  I had been questioning some the decisions made by both agency principals.  Now with Ray's death, I am finding out the man I thought was Ray, really was not.   I had been taking care of all of Ray's personal accounts for the last 15 years and still did not realize the person I felt a loyalty toward was not in fact the real Ray.  In the last few weeks I have had to spend hours at a time answering questions from attorneys, estate administrators, business partners and banking authorities.  Each question a piece to the puzzle that will eventually show us the real Ray.  Through all of this I have felt betrayed and find myself second guessing every aspect of my life.  I have found myself moving from grief to anger and back again for the last few weeks untilI finally I said ENOUGH!

I stopped answering the phone on Friday night and concentrated on my life and the living.  My DH celebrated his birthday this weekend and we rented a Harley Davidson trike for 2 days.  It was a BLAST!  Although I found  that I enjoy my own motorcycle far more than being a passenger on the trike.  I think with my own bike I feel more in control.  On the trike, even as a driver, I did not feel the same freedom.  Weird, I know.

Today is Labor Day and we will celebrate our anniversary with a lunch at a Mexican restaurant.  But I have recommitted my life back to myself.  I will make sure all meals are protein forward, make sure I get in all my fluids, move my body as much as possible.   I have decided to look into the possibility of a yoga class.  I am hoping to jump start the weight loss again.  At 3 1/2 years out, I find my self fighting to keep the weight off, but I also see old habits sneaking back into my life.  I am alive and real, I will trust my decisions and stop second guessing myself.  I can not control how others live their lives, but I can live mine to the fullest with healthy choices.   So watch out world.....I am back!

(((((Carrie))))),

WELCOME BACK!!!! I'm so very sorry for your loss. Not the loss of the person, but the betrayal and loss of trust that went with it. I've been so worried about you and I am so very glad that you are back. 

I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that we can do what you are doing and that is to commit to take care of ourselves. 

I've missed you dear friend and look forward to seeing more of you.

Warmly,

Thank you, Barbara.  I have missed everyone here, too.  I could never express enough how much your friendship means to me.

Thanks again.

The feeling is absolutely mutual!

This is never easy losing a prominent person in your life this way. I am sorry it has happened to you. Please realize you are not responsible for what happened to him. It actually sounds like he was avoiding facing his friends and loved ones with some horrible truth.
Yoga is a great idea. I am taking a yoga class right now and I love it. Okay I hate it too but after the class is over I love how I feel and I think as I get to know the moves it will get better and I will love it for real then.
Congrats on your 30th. My DH and I just passed that milestone last November. Its nice that we made it that far and I am so glad I am healthy enough to enjoy many more years with him.

Annie, Thank you. 

I am hoping the yoga will help me get more "in tune" with my body.  I need variety in my life or I get really bored quickly.  I have never tried yoga and have been thinking about it for a while now.  I will look into classes when businesses are open tomorrow.

Thanks again.

(((HUGS)))

Congratulations on the Anniversary.

I am so sorry for your loss and the complete chaos that has followed. Coming to terms with a death is never easy but with suicides there remain so many unanswered questions. My thoughts and prayers will continue to be with you as you make this transition at work and in your personal life as well.

- Iris

Thanks so much, Iris.  I sure have missed you all.