XPost - Is anyone mourning the loss of expectations and dreams?
Someone posted a thread on the RNY board about what we didn't get from our surgeries and it really made me think. Just wondering if anyone felt the same way, or if I'm all alone.
This was my response:
I didn't get the feeling of being pretty again that I thought I might when I finally got the weight off. Silly I know. Somehow, I thought when I got the weight off, I would look like I did when I used to be thin. Forgot it was like 20 years ago. I looked much older after losing the weight, so I really grieved the terrible loss of time, and the fact that I did not do this much sooner, and that I pretty much destroyed my body by this terrible weight gain. When I look at the skin, and realize I will never be able to afford plastics, it just makes me feel old.
I thought I would be brave enough to perhaps start dating, but now I feel like a shell somehow. I am a size 0 or 2, depending on the clothes, and I look pretty good dressed, but then I realize that I look like a Chinese Shar Pei undressed and realize that at 52, I think I have lost the chance to ever date or find someone again and it is making me so darn sad. I think when we are heavy, we put our lives on hold somehow, thinking that things will be different when we lose weight. You know - the I will meet someone, or be brave enough to try to anyway. The few times I have tried dating, the reaction was not good when I mention the surgery. It is not like I could hide it long-term, but in our society, the automatic reaction is like one of the guys I went out with. He was a doctor no less, and I thought it was safe to tell him about the RNY, and he looked at me, with this awful peculiar look on his face and said, I cannot believe a woman like you let herself get morbidly obese! How fat were you? You have to be really heavy to need that surgery! And this was a man that looked a little like the Geico lizard! I was so humiliated! Then, you have the ones that you know are wondering if you are going to put the weight back on, kind of like that witch in the Little Mermaid.
I think also that looking so much older, with less fat in my face, has aged me a lot. I would not go back to being heavy for the world, and I remain terrified of regaining the weight, and I feel a little as if my life has passed me by, and I let it. I also still find myself feeling so heavy still because of the skin. I think the hardest thing for me is coming to grips with the fact that at 52, that part of my life is probably over, and I caused that myself. It is hard to get a grip on that and wrap my mind around the fact that there probably is not anyone out there that would not run screaming for the hills if they saw what I really looked like. Heck, my own daughter started crying when she saw my body in a dressing room. If your own daughter reacts that way, how are you supposed to even consider trying dating?
So, I am thrilled with my weight loss, but so darn sad that my expectations were so out-of-line with the reality of what I was left with. You work so hard, and I am three years out this August and maintaining, but I feel like I was kind of having a Cinderella idea of what things would be like when I lost the weight. The reality has been different and I think I am grieving those hopes and dreams.
Does anyone else feel this way?
This was my response:
I didn't get the feeling of being pretty again that I thought I might when I finally got the weight off. Silly I know. Somehow, I thought when I got the weight off, I would look like I did when I used to be thin. Forgot it was like 20 years ago. I looked much older after losing the weight, so I really grieved the terrible loss of time, and the fact that I did not do this much sooner, and that I pretty much destroyed my body by this terrible weight gain. When I look at the skin, and realize I will never be able to afford plastics, it just makes me feel old.
I thought I would be brave enough to perhaps start dating, but now I feel like a shell somehow. I am a size 0 or 2, depending on the clothes, and I look pretty good dressed, but then I realize that I look like a Chinese Shar Pei undressed and realize that at 52, I think I have lost the chance to ever date or find someone again and it is making me so darn sad. I think when we are heavy, we put our lives on hold somehow, thinking that things will be different when we lose weight. You know - the I will meet someone, or be brave enough to try to anyway. The few times I have tried dating, the reaction was not good when I mention the surgery. It is not like I could hide it long-term, but in our society, the automatic reaction is like one of the guys I went out with. He was a doctor no less, and I thought it was safe to tell him about the RNY, and he looked at me, with this awful peculiar look on his face and said, I cannot believe a woman like you let herself get morbidly obese! How fat were you? You have to be really heavy to need that surgery! And this was a man that looked a little like the Geico lizard! I was so humiliated! Then, you have the ones that you know are wondering if you are going to put the weight back on, kind of like that witch in the Little Mermaid.
I think also that looking so much older, with less fat in my face, has aged me a lot. I would not go back to being heavy for the world, and I remain terrified of regaining the weight, and I feel a little as if my life has passed me by, and I let it. I also still find myself feeling so heavy still because of the skin. I think the hardest thing for me is coming to grips with the fact that at 52, that part of my life is probably over, and I caused that myself. It is hard to get a grip on that and wrap my mind around the fact that there probably is not anyone out there that would not run screaming for the hills if they saw what I really looked like. Heck, my own daughter started crying when she saw my body in a dressing room. If your own daughter reacts that way, how are you supposed to even consider trying dating?
So, I am thrilled with my weight loss, but so darn sad that my expectations were so out-of-line with the reality of what I was left with. You work so hard, and I am three years out this August and maintaining, but I feel like I was kind of having a Cinderella idea of what things would be like when I lost the weight. The reality has been different and I think I am grieving those hopes and dreams.
Does anyone else feel this way?
Hi Kit,
Great post and your post gives me things to think about.
I have just come to terms that I am grateful for how I am now and grateful I am not 680lbs.
No I dont think I will ever wear a bikini but then again how realistic is that for a woman of 51.
If by some miricle the insurance will cover my arms and mons then I feel I have completed my journey.
Keeping in mind I will always be very aware of what I eat and how much.
As for relationships it is great to feel loved and wanted and to feel comfortable in your own skin.
Sometimes Lee will come into the bedroom as I am getting dressed or out of the shower and I cover up right away.
He finds it disturbing after being together for 10 years why I cover up.
Well when the skin is hanging evrywhere one does not feel good about themselves.
Other than that the rewards wls has given me makes up for some of the skin issues.
Yes I was super Morbidly Obese and life was the pits.
Now I love life and love to be able to enjoy life.
I have learned that to love someone in a relationship does not always mean physical love.
Dont get me wrong physical love makes one feel wanted but as you know it takes two but when a spouse or partner has health issues you learn how to love on a new level.
Annie
Great post and your post gives me things to think about.
I have just come to terms that I am grateful for how I am now and grateful I am not 680lbs.
No I dont think I will ever wear a bikini but then again how realistic is that for a woman of 51.
If by some miricle the insurance will cover my arms and mons then I feel I have completed my journey.
Keeping in mind I will always be very aware of what I eat and how much.
As for relationships it is great to feel loved and wanted and to feel comfortable in your own skin.
Sometimes Lee will come into the bedroom as I am getting dressed or out of the shower and I cover up right away.
He finds it disturbing after being together for 10 years why I cover up.
Well when the skin is hanging evrywhere one does not feel good about themselves.
Other than that the rewards wls has given me makes up for some of the skin issues.
Yes I was super Morbidly Obese and life was the pits.
Now I love life and love to be able to enjoy life.
I have learned that to love someone in a relationship does not always mean physical love.
Dont get me wrong physical love makes one feel wanted but as you know it takes two but when a spouse or partner has health issues you learn how to love on a new level.
Annie
First off ---(((HUGS))) and thank you for reposting this here. I am constantly amazed at how many areas of our lives this "surgery" affects. Some good. Some bad. And some just plain out ugly. My inner thighs are in the last group.
I feel like I've gained more positives from the whole experience than I had ever though possible but still there are a few little sore spots. I never, ever, ever thought that I'd date. I'd really given up on the idea and had actually gotten to the point that I was enjoying my "me" time. On a whim, a dare or just one of those moments where you lose all grip on reality - I went online. 19 months later I'm happier than I ever imagined possible and yes his name is DAVID. (for those who've followed this from day 1). He's been with me through the last 50 lb drop and has commented that he'd love me regardless of size. He's never once commented on the extra skin and saggage that drives me crazy.
I've never known what it was like to be thin - I may never know if the dang scale doesn't get with the program. Along with that revelation I'll also add that I've never known what it felt like to be "pretty". I was always a tom-boy and never liked the "girlie" things that I like now. So sometimes it feels like I'm sorta looking at someone else in the mirror. Compliments surely can't be aimed at me. I think the compliments have been one of the hardest parts of this joruney. I always felt like I had to use my sarcasm and deflect it somehow. Nearly 2 years after the journey began I've learned that simply saying thank you is more than enough. I don't need to justify every little thing.
I've never been a huge goal setter for myself personally. I love to fly by the seat of my pants so that may have helped me in this phase of my life after Weight Loss surgery. I still see it as everyday is it's own adventure and challenge. Not sure if this really addresses your post or not but thought I'd share ......
- Iris
I feel like I've gained more positives from the whole experience than I had ever though possible but still there are a few little sore spots. I never, ever, ever thought that I'd date. I'd really given up on the idea and had actually gotten to the point that I was enjoying my "me" time. On a whim, a dare or just one of those moments where you lose all grip on reality - I went online. 19 months later I'm happier than I ever imagined possible and yes his name is DAVID. (for those who've followed this from day 1). He's been with me through the last 50 lb drop and has commented that he'd love me regardless of size. He's never once commented on the extra skin and saggage that drives me crazy.
I've never known what it was like to be thin - I may never know if the dang scale doesn't get with the program. Along with that revelation I'll also add that I've never known what it felt like to be "pretty". I was always a tom-boy and never liked the "girlie" things that I like now. So sometimes it feels like I'm sorta looking at someone else in the mirror. Compliments surely can't be aimed at me. I think the compliments have been one of the hardest parts of this joruney. I always felt like I had to use my sarcasm and deflect it somehow. Nearly 2 years after the journey began I've learned that simply saying thank you is more than enough. I don't need to justify every little thing.
I've never been a huge goal setter for myself personally. I love to fly by the seat of my pants so that may have helped me in this phase of my life after Weight Loss surgery. I still see it as everyday is it's own adventure and challenge. Not sure if this really addresses your post or not but thought I'd share ......
- Iris
Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape.
Highest Surgery Lowest Current
314.5 294 208 258.4
Hi Kit,
I have to say that I have been where you are and even posted about it. Some people scolded me for not being more 'grateful' for the gifts I received as a result of the weight loss. I know that you and I are both incredibly grateful for the gifts that we have received as a result of our weight loss.
As we have both discussed, in many, many ways our journeys have been very similar and proportionately, we are probably about the same size. I'm a size 4, but I'm 5'6" tall. I hadn't been thin as an adult, so I never had a real before 'pretty' reference point. That said, it was when I realized that I could have been a beautiful young woman had I not wasted it that I too grieved what could have been and what I cost myself. While I still wish that I hadn't done that to myself and sometimes it bothers me more than others, generally, I've come to terms with it. Don't get me wrong. Every once in a while, something happens and I see the 'damage' in a way that I either haven't seen before or it just happens to hit me wrong and it feels like a raw wound, but most of the time, I'm more okay with 'it', meaning the damage I've caused than I used to be. I'm like you in that I'm probably never going to be able to afford to 'fix' it, so I have to find some ways to live with it.
Of course, one of the ways that I'm not like you and to be honest, much more fortunate, is that I've been with Ben for over 35 years and he chases me now just like he did when I was 16 years old. While I can't say that I walk in your shoes, I can understand your trepidation about dating. However, I think that you should consider that your daughter's tears were probably not because of her horror or repulsion, but more likely that she was surprised and like you disappointed. There are good, decent people out there and you are one of them. You are likely to find someone of the opposite sex who is also good and decent. When you do, I will bet that they will fall in love with the woman that you are and the scars left from your weight will not deter him from loving you, all of you. Be open to that my friend. You have a lot to give and deserve the love that is out there waiting for you.
Love,
Barbara
ObesityHelp Coach and Support Group Leader
http://www.obesityhelp.com/group/bcumbo_group/
High-264, Current-148, Goal-145
We all are right there with you--so don't feel like you're alone, CM. 
I was REALLY critical of my extra skin and scared it would freak out anyone I might want to become intimate with. I spent a LOT of time planning how I would camouflage it--what kind of lingerie, what kind of lighting? It was mentally exhausting!!
When I finally met someone I was interested in, I just got tired of the ANGST all at once and decided that honesty was the best policy. On our third date I let him know that I was very attracted to him, but that I was also shy about the additional skin left over after my dramatic weight loss. So I just said,"My body is a road-map of my life--it's not perfect, but I like it and it works!" (and the unspoken but understood 2nd half of that statement: "...if YOU don't like it, don't let the door hit you on the way out!")
My confidence was as much of a turn-on to him as my cute size 2 figure--which looks awesome in clothes--or the come-hither look in my baby blues! LOL
But the take-home message is, accept yourself as you are and just be honest with the guy. You have sadly been exposed to some horrifying jerks. Especially the gecko guy--what a schmuck!! And your daughter should be proud of what you've accomplished rather than so superficial as to weep at the sight of your nude, now-healthy-and-not-morbidly-obese body. We are MORE than merely decorative, CM--we have accomplished tremendous things in our pursuit of health and well-being! Celebrate it! Own it! We rock!
MOST men care more about spending an enjoyable time with a terrific, interesting woman such as yourself than they do about holding out for some perfect, unattainable ideal. If they are in that bed with you, they are not going to leave or put you down because of a little belly-pooch. Ignore the idiots and press onward--you'll meet a man who is truly worthy of you!
I was REALLY critical of my extra skin and scared it would freak out anyone I might want to become intimate with. I spent a LOT of time planning how I would camouflage it--what kind of lingerie, what kind of lighting? It was mentally exhausting!!
When I finally met someone I was interested in, I just got tired of the ANGST all at once and decided that honesty was the best policy. On our third date I let him know that I was very attracted to him, but that I was also shy about the additional skin left over after my dramatic weight loss. So I just said,"My body is a road-map of my life--it's not perfect, but I like it and it works!" (and the unspoken but understood 2nd half of that statement: "...if YOU don't like it, don't let the door hit you on the way out!")
My confidence was as much of a turn-on to him as my cute size 2 figure--which looks awesome in clothes--or the come-hither look in my baby blues! LOL
But the take-home message is, accept yourself as you are and just be honest with the guy. You have sadly been exposed to some horrifying jerks. Especially the gecko guy--what a schmuck!! And your daughter should be proud of what you've accomplished rather than so superficial as to weep at the sight of your nude, now-healthy-and-not-morbidly-obese body. We are MORE than merely decorative, CM--we have accomplished tremendous things in our pursuit of health and well-being! Celebrate it! Own it! We rock!
MOST men care more about spending an enjoyable time with a terrific, interesting woman such as yourself than they do about holding out for some perfect, unattainable ideal. If they are in that bed with you, they are not going to leave or put you down because of a little belly-pooch. Ignore the idiots and press onward--you'll meet a man who is truly worthy of you!
"Fall down 7 times--STAND UP 8!"
I so understand where your coming from...Though I am married I do feel like I've put things on hold. I didn't realize how baggy my skin would be cause when I lost weight before it went back but thats 10 years before. I just turned 48. My insurance BCBS won't cover plastics either. I love to flirt but even if I wanted to cheat I couldn't unless he was a very old man and a prune but even they like good lookin woman. I remind myself I looked like a cottage cheese ball in a bathing suit or sleeveless shirt. Now I just look like an old wrinkled woman. I remind myself this would of happen in a natural weightloss too. It is what it is and oh well I'm too tired for sex anymore. I hate looking at pictures of myself cause I look old and tired. Of course it's better than fat but I guess there is a vanity issue regardless. I loved trying on new clothes at my lowest but now that I am 11 pounds heavier I have those same dreaded fobia's of not wanting to try on clothes. Yep I know how that sounds but it was still there. My kids say I don't look as wrinkled in the face but I look down and see wrinkle leggs and now some cottage cheese inside my thighs and I just want too scream. I think I hate more that I was just fat thru my 20's and 30's and early 40's..hell most of my life and part of high school. I also am leary of telling guys I was really heavy also and your right they do think you'll ballon in front of them even if your not dating them. But you know what they are like weeds...you don't need them anyways so cull them out. It's like the one's who knew you when you were fat but weren't good enough too talk to but now you are...umm I don't need them either. I feel like thru alot of this unfortunatly I have gotten more negative on putting up with people. I don't have to act bubbly or happy anymore to make people like me. I don't know the biggest thing I have found with this though other than wrinkles is I NEVER got my energy back despite having good labs. I could sleep my life away when I step in the door at home. Though I do work 16 hours on the weekend also as a waitress on top of my 40 hour bank job. Well Guess I let myself vent alittle long. You know I don't hide my wrinkly arms anymore so people see what it is before they meet me. Shorts are as bad. Former friends I'm sure make comments new ones except me for what it is. THey have nothing to compare!
Beginning weight: 284
Surgery weight: 251
Current weight: 149
I thought a lot about your post. Some of the happiest married folks I know met their spouses late in life. If marriage is not for you, you will definitely meet somebody to travel with or just have fun with. I think older guys that are "good" guys want to be with women their own age. You have wisdom and experience and now with your weight loss, you have the energy to do many things. I fully understand how you feel, but you know what, let's not spend another minute regretting the past. Let's have a daggone ball from here forward. And at 52, I'm thinking about getting a little plastic surgery after my weight is all gone. Just for the fun of it. Just for the daggoe fun of it! Thanks for your post
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