dealing with the negative folks

I am my mother's child, no doubt about it.  We are built just alike.  She is 76 years old and really wanted RNY but due to her health and age could not.  She's been supportive of my having it though.  But now... she's been making some really hurtful comments.  She's known to do this sort of passive aggressive thing but I know she loves me.  I've tried to let her know she's hurting me but I'm real afraid of hurting her so its sort of difficult. 

A few weeks before Thanksgiving she and I were talking on the phone and she asked me how much weight I've lost, as it has been a year.  I told her about 97 pounds.  There was a short silence and then she said "Well, I would have thought you would have lost more - - Tammi lost about 120 pounds in her first year, didn't she"?  And I felt slapped!  I told her everyone is different.

Then, I went to visit my parents over Thanksgiving.  Within three minutes of hitting the door my father told me "I don't like your hair" to which I replied "I don't care if you don't like it" which seemed to be taken as a bad reply but this is not the first go-round I've had with my parents over my hair.  Sheesh.  Okay so I was born a tow-headed blonde and now I'm wearing my hair dark auburn - - deal with it!  I'm 49 years old!   Then later on both my parents and I got into a personal discussion that swiftly went south.  It is a struggle being close to my parents... my mother wants to know so many personal things (and she TELLS me other people's personal things so I fear she'll tell mine) and really, I think close family does know personal things about one another but when judgement comes into play, I have learned NOT to tell much.  This ended badly.

The next morning I wanted to make up with my mother so I called her into "my" room as I was dressing and we were enjoying some girl time.  She's watching me dress and out of her mouth pops this gem... "Well, it's been a year now so I guess you aren't going to lose any more weight.... per haps I should take you and get you some good foundation garments so those rolls don't show...."

I was devastated and pretty damn mad.  How DARE she????  I have worked so hard and been through so much.  I'm feeling sooooo much better about myself and am soooooo much healthier.  I have numerous things going on in my life that are difficult and I really didnt need this at all.  I lashed out at her and told her she didn't know what she was talking about and that yes I was going to lose more weight and again I told her that everyone is different.  She got hurt and said that maybe she should just mind her own business and keep her mouth shut... to which I am ashamed to say I replied "Well at your age I guess learning to mind your own business is going to be a stretch but for sure you should go for the keeping your mouth shut part!"

Gosh I feel terrible.  I left there feeling like I'm the awful one, like I have been mean and hurtful to my parents and also like I'm "still" a failure and will never achieve, never do, never become....fill in the blank.  This has been my LIFE.  I know they do not mean to be hurtful, I know this is their way and that my life is what I make it - - that I am responsible for my happiness.  I'm so down because I thought I had gotten past this years ago but there it is.

*sigh*

My parents are not in good health and I won't have them much longer.  I want to spend more time with them and they want me around more also.  I feel so GUILTY that I cannot make myself be around them more.  Talking to them about how I feel ONLY hurts them, I've TRIED.  

anyone else have these issues????

I've lost both of my parents in the last 2 years.  They were not always the easiest to get along with, but neither am I.

My suggestion would be to sit down and discuss with them that you don't need to say or hear anything negative about yourself or anyone else.  Tell them if ANY of you begin talking like that someone else will gently remind that person that they are breaking the rule.  Maybe an 'oops, lets not go there right now Mom' and start a new thread.

At their age, it will be hard for them to break a habit they have had for so long.  But think about it, do YOU want to be 76 and alienate your family that way.  Stop the madness now.

I agree with Grammylew that you should have a talk with your folks and let them know, in a kind way, that some of the things they say hurt you and you respond without thinking that it may be hurtful to them.
I just wouldn't expect them to change much. It may get better for a little while but people don't usually change their personalities.
You might not be able to change them but you can change how you respond to them.

Thank you both.  I have, in fact, many times over the years had such conversation with my mother in it is true, it gets better for a while.  I cannot seem to have those conversations without them getting hurt though. I'll try to do it again, before christmas, in a way that doesn't lay blame anywhere.  You are right... I really don't enjoy the distance this brings.  Thanks.

(((Cindy))),

While I really agree with the two previous posts, I'm wondering if it might be good for you... and them, for you to find a card that encapsulates your sentiments, then write a note... maybe do it on the computer first so that you can organize and edit your thoughts, but write the note out lovingly and in long-hand and send it to them letting them know that you love them and want a relationship with them.

Like you, I'm having my own struggles... different, but equally painful and it's a hard, hard thing. 

We just have to know what we need to do to take care of ourselves, while we take the high road so that we can move forward without regrets.

Hang in there my friend...

And by the way, you've done a great job and are likely to continue your journey downward... You can tell her that I said so... lol.

 

((((((((((((((((((Cindy))))))))))))))))))
Your playing my tune.
All my life I have felt like The Bad Seed most of these feelings came from a mother who is and has been very judmental and never very affectionate towads me accept in monatary ways and even then she never lets you forget what she has done for you instead of giving from her heart.
My mom is 79 and today as I sat and ate lunch with her it broke my heart.
Mother no longer walks and has nurses around the clock cant dress herself ect..
During lunch she had some soup and I saw how hard it was for her to eat it as soup dribbled down her bib that she has to wear.
My mother aslo has a weight problem and for years has given me **** about my weight which in turn never helped my selfesteem.
I remember years ago during a phone call I got so darn mad at her I hung the phone up and went to Wendys and had a TRIPLE Burger in fact I was making this a habit for many years because of the anger I felt towards her hurtful words.
Cindy you had the surgery your mother did not.
I think maybe in many ways she could be jelous of you or even mad at herself.
I have learned through Al-anon you cant change anyone but you can take care of yourself and you are doing that.
Look how far you have come.
Hold your head up high and be proud you have done something wonderful for your health.
                                                                         Annie

I guess I should be good and say "sit and talk" with them and work it out.  But the facts are they aren't going to change.  They obviously enjoy the mental abuse they lay on with a side of guilt.  And it sounds to me it's not the first time.  So since you can't fix them, fix yourself.  STOP caring what they think.  No one can make you feel bad but you.  Just know they are the ones with the problem.  Avoid all private discussions unless you would put it in a newsletter, because yes, they are telling it before you get out the door.  You shouldn't feel guilty for standing up for yourself even to your parents.  Believe me I have dealt with it before and the best "come back" is being health and fit (mentally and physically).  Not getting in arguments with them that only leave you feeling worse.  Ignore the comments, laugh about them if you can and move on.  They may not enjoy it so much if they don't get a rise out of you.

Kelly