What kind of person will you be?

After some contemplation about personality types, it made me wonder about a few things. How do you think you will change after the weight is off? Have you considered how you will feel to navigate your world after all is said and done? The reason I ask is because I recall when I was a teen and lost a lot of weight. I was suddenly getting lots of attention from boys and although I was young enough that it probably didn't bother me as much as it would spending a lifetime as an adult not getting attention, it did make me uncomfortable. I just wasn't used to it. It was NICE, but I felt like a fake...a phony. I felt like I was hiding an ugly secret and if they found out about it, they would avoid me like the plague. Another thing that happened that I wasn't prepared for was my attitude about fat. I know now that I can pin my feelings down to having a lot of fear of gaining the weight back (which I did), but I recall wanting to avoid fat people and having a feeling of not wanting to be associated with anyone like that. I don't think I was mean to anyone really, but I remember with on of my first jobs that I was quite impatient and annoyed by a very large man who made sure to clean out the candy supply when we closed down fire camp (I worked for the Forest Svc). He really disgusted me and those feelings that I had then make me feel so sad as an adult who has struggled with obesity. It occurred to me after having listened to many people who are in various places in this journey, that some are becoming just downright mean. Certainly there is a lot of narcissism and self-centeredness that goes on as well, but more interesting is the fact that it seems that some people go through a phase of being unapologetically cruel because they can be....citing reasons of being the one who always tried to please others, and now having the freedom to not be a doormat, etc. But in the process of claiming this newfound independence it struck me how it may feel like empowerment to someone when they are going through it, but what I think it really boils down to is a need to assert leverage and perhaps even at times strike out at others because of a sense of always having be the object of someone else's abuse in the past. The best analogy that I can give is to think of how kids are. When a kid isn't in the popular group and is picked on, then suddenly are taken in by the popular group, they almost eagerly join in on the abuse against another victim....happy that it is not them and not wanting to jeapordize their new status. I'm not bringing this up to chastise anyone or point fingers, but rather to illuminate to all of us who are starting out on our journeys what may lie ahead. I really do not want to let meanness take over my life. I don't want to avoid, I don't want to strike out, and I don't want to focus so intensely on myself that I don't see anyone else....whether that be someone struggling with their own obesity, their weight loss surgery or the people in my life who matter. I have experienced it myself in the past as an immature teen and young adult, and maybe because I did go through that I have a unique perspective. I recall seeing a post on another forum some time ago where a woman was upset because she couldn't understand why she had these intense feelings of hate and disgust when she was around a fat person. She couldn't understand it and it was obvious she was not wanting to feel that way. From my perspective I felt as if she was dealing with what I dealt with as a teen, but was able to put it into words as an adult. But the thing that struck me most was the fact that here she was, an adult, and feeling those same negative feelings. Fear is what I feel it boils down to. Fear of becoming that again -- fear it is contagious. Fear you will never escape the reality of the former you. Fear of being "found out." It's something that I think is going to happen to some of us. And it's something that I really think we should all spend time contemplating. We know we are about to embark upon a journey that will change our lives, and I think we owe it to ourselves to analyze how we feel now so we can prepare for those emotions when they do hit. Certainly there are some people who will be fine and not be affected like this. But some of us will....and the worst part is that sometimes it's with the people who least expect it. Like me, when I was a kid, I always thought I would want to be nice to others with weight problems. I had a lot of pain in my heart over how I was treated and a lot of compassion for others in the same boat. Yet there I was, letting fear dictate how I dealt with others. My resolve this time out now that I recognize this, is to be there, and not turn my back on others out of fear. Dina

Hi Dina, I understand completely what are talking about. I have been fat since age of 6. Not a lot of people want to have a fat friend or girlfriend. And in Russia people ovoid fat people like they are some kind of disease. I went on my 1st date at the age of 22 and that when I went from 250 pounds to 180 pounds. And after 6 month of dating I married him. My feelings had been heart so many times by the rude comments and jokes form people about my weight that I had to hide my true self. In Russia people would say, " Nice people are the fat ones" So I hope I will stay nice as I am now even when I become slimmer. The only think I hope to change about my self is to be more confident. Again sorry for the English Julia

Julia - Your english is just fine! Better than my Russian! Sounds like this kind of treatment is a common thing in different cultures then because I was treated like a ton of crap when I was a fat kid in school. I had a lot of trauma over that, but thankfully have been able to cope with my feelings about it as an adult. Dina

Thats a good question - I hope I keep the personality I have- but you never know.

At our core we're all basically the same as we ever were - I know that escaping my fat body does not mean I'm making a clean break! I'm sure I'll go through annoying phases - personal evolution happens every day. I don't think it's wrong to say that some people will walk away from this surgery with less tolerance for certain behavior. Whether it's a trait they recognize in themselves at present or when they were heavy, or a characteristic that reminds them of some form of psychological manipulation they were subjected to (or used as a coping mechanism). I worry more about becoming a vain, high maintenance flirt and running off on my husband once I'm cute. I heard it once and really liked it - this surgery will make a good marriage better and a bad marriage worse. Right now I feel like I have a good marriage. I'd like to keep it afloat.

I've already had some temptation, but went to a support group shortly afterwords and was told that it is normal. For so many years, no other man noticed me. When one finally did, I let it get to my head a little. But I am married to a wonderful man and no fling would ever be worth it!

Couldn't agree more about the marriage issues. I think it was Dr. Gomez or Estrella (I was doped up/can't remember which!) that said that one side effect of this surgery is divorce. Well, if that isn't sobering! I will fight like hell to not let myself get sucked into that kind of negative thinking. I think that knowing it's something that can happen, and seeing it in other people really helps me be able to make a conscious decision to avoid it. Thankfully I have a wonderful counselor who can really get to the heart of things, too. Dina

My fear is how to handle men trying to pick me up. I travel during the week and even big, men or men. I do not like it and do not know how I will handle it. I love my husband alot and can not amagine ever cheating on him or wanting to. I have always been overweight but for some reason was always treated nice. I did not date much. I have wonderful friends in all shape and sizes. It has only been in the past year that I have really hated my body. I hope that I will become a nicer person than I am now. But I know that this surgery will totally change my life and the people around me also. I read that divorce is very high among wls patients and that scares me. I am more afraid of the loose skin being a turn off for my husband and for me too. We do ok fat and tight I am not sure about skinny and loose. Ok enough. Deb

Well Debbie - I know we talked about that on the phone. I kind of run cold when people flirt with me too. I mean, I know what you say - I have had attention when I didn't expect it as a large woman. But it doesn't happen as often as when you're thin, so I have to prepare myself for that. I know when it happened in the last couple years I was both flattered, dumbfounded, embarassed and put off by it. I've discussed this in depth with my counselor and she is really good at pulling things out to make you think about them. I realize one of my faults at those times is that I become speechless. That's not a comfortable feeling for me, so I may find myself playing along because I'm embarassed rather than speaking up and saying whatever they said or did made me uncomfortable. I have several months to think of strategies to deflect the unwanted attention. But having people gawk at me, hang around and marvel at how good I look, and even outright tell me I'm pretty I can handle and even somewhat enjoy. It's the more serious sexual innuendo I'm talking about that I want to keep at bay. I especially don't want to find myself in negative thought patterns that aren't true. I have seen people do this where they take their situation and think "well, I must have settled because I was fat..." and then go on to think they can do better. I think the thing we all need to realize is not that we owe our spouses something out of loyalty because they stuck by us when we were fat, but that we clicked with them for a reason. I certainly did NOT settle when I married my husband. I fell deeply in love with him because we had a fabulous ying/yang thing going on. We have had our troubles, certainly. But to ignore the amazing compatibility we have and to throw it all away because all the sudden I see lots of opportunities out there would be tragic. I know one thing for sure...God led me to my husband when I really didn't deserve it. But he knew we would grow and change and evolve into better people along the way and that we would compliment each other. I need to make sure I do my part to keep that relationship he gave to me alive and well. Dina

Dina, what a well thought out post. I have been contemplating some of these very issues lateley. I am a very out-going person. Not to be vain, but actually very popular and well respected in my community. I am safe now at my large size from any assumptions regarding who I visit with and laugh with at local events & establishments. I am not a threat at social functions or really gossiped about very much. Just the "nice lady from the flower shop". I see myself withdrawing as I get thinner, mostly to not appear "inappropriate" in my relationships with gentlemen in the community. (2 business people in town had a FLAMING affair last year, and both were run out of town on a rail! I could never ever hurt my husband like that!) I too have not always been obese, and remember the temptation to use my looks for manipulating a situation, or even the temptation to feel more special or more important than other people who were less attractive. It wasn't until I worked at a church that I truly saw the emotional harm and downright sinfulness that arrogance is. It is probably the most subtle, and cruel emotion because the arrogant person never sees it, and the victim of the arrogance is made to feel even worse if they address it. I left that church because of it, and I pray that I will NEVER give in to the tempation of superiority & arrogance (because of looks, IQ level is a whole different issue LOLOLOL!) But I will also add another thing I have learned ..I don't have to be everyone's friend either. That's a whole other guilt trip....