Thanks for sharing this. I, too, thought I was the only one who cried before going to work and cried on the drive home. I wish I had known how miserable public service jobs are before I planned my careers! I would have been a technician of some kind, working alone in a back room and never being around people. Although there are always bosses and coworkers to suffer with...

Sounds like you're getting the help you need. Good for you. But if it's possible, get training or experience in a less stressful field! Like shark-wrestling.

(My dad was a salesman all his life. He loved it, but had multiple disease, all stress-related. His doctor told him he had to quit sales and get a job in a mill or anything except sales or he would die young. Daddy chose to die young. Stress can kill.)

I have been on Venlafaxine for over 2 years now and was on Citalapram for about a year during that time.   This depression is now 26 months.  I do feel I had a nervous breakdown or as my councellor calls it a severe stress injury in the early stages of my depression, at that time I was crying as soon as I woke up in the morning.  That has slowed down with the help of medication, but most all other symptoms of depression are still present.  I am starting to think I may never get better, any stressful situation takes me 3 or 4 days to recover from.  I wondered if there were other folks like me that didn't even have the energy to shower.  I hate not being clean and having my house messy.  I will see if my psyciatrist thinks another medication might help.  Barb

I've been living with the diagnosis of bipolar disorder for the last 15 years, and there have been some truly dark periods along the way. I can say for certain that lithium and seroquel were two of the worst drugs I ever took. If they work for you, that's wonderful, but they put me in "zombie mode" for over a year, and I gained half a person in weight. Lamictal, which is weight neutral and not quite so muddy feeling, has been the key for me. Also, in anticipation of my surgery, I joined a DBT group earlier this year. The group has done wonders for me. First, it gets me out and talking with others. Next, the mindfulness skills, distress tolerance strategies, and emotional regulation skills have been amazing. I am much better at recognizing my symptoms, analyzing them, and making a constructive plan. I wish you the best.

I am not sorry I had my surgery, and I am glad it is working.  I just thought I would be more excited and happy about the weight loss.  I actually don't care much about what I look like, I don't care much about anything.  Nothing excites me anymore.  If I won a lottery I think I would have to sleep for a week.  Maybe I could pay someone to shower for me. Barb

You state that  you are bipolar I and you are involved with AA. Are you really an alcoholic, or is that the only 12 step available to you?

Sometimes mental health professionals will tell you AA just because the steps and traditions work. If you are still miserable, maybe alcohol is not the issue.  I was pointed that way when my problem had absolutely nothing to do with alcohol, but involved other drugs. 

12 step programs are not for everybody, just like any other treatment.  Find what works for you.  I suspect, that like me, you simply need another human being in your life that will be non-judgemental and love you unconditionally. 

Being starved for human companionship is probably the most painful feeling a person can experience, especially in a society where it seems everyone is coupled up and the assumption is that everyone has a family.   I know it's that way for me. 

I keep trying to figure out and fix whatever it is that is wrong with me.   I figure it must be me, since it seems everyone else in the world has someone.   I and my insurance companies have probably spent hundreds of thousands of dollars over the past several years trying to find that ever-elusive answer.

I'm now trying to learn to accept the unacceptable - aloneness.

I hope things get better for you. Though I don't have any answers, I do understand what you're going through.