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Topic: Having a meltdown
I came home from therapy yesterday and started to just totally meltdown. It took about 8 pages of writing before I was able to pinpoint what was at the root of my tears and urges to self-destruct. When I finally figured it out, I felt even more depressed.
In therapy, I was confronted with old behaviors that continue to crop up, and I just realized how low I had gone in the past year or so. I felt a deep sense of mourning and sadness, and guilt, shame and remorse. I realized that I felt this exact same way when my husband left me, and I acknowledged it was mainly due to my inappropriate behavior all throughout our marriage. The problem is, most of my negative behavior and attitude has either been in drinking or anger toward my therapist in counter-transference. I cried most of last night, and picked up some Teddy Grahams. I cannot get off the freaking sugar. Teddy Grahams are small, so I can get away with them.
So, today, I realized I needed help pulling myself out of the funk I fell into, and called my therapist. After waiting hours for him to return my call, he called me back when I was in the bathroom. His message reminded me that I had agreed in a signed agreement that phone calls between sessions would be limited. He reminded me that a true emergency should go to the E.R., and that if I really needed to talk to him, he would be happy to talk to me, but reminded me of our agreement. Well, I just burst into tears. I called him back and told him that I did not have an E.R. emergency, and that while I was having a meltdown, I would handle it.
In addition to this, I had participated in a Yahoo group for people in early recovery in AA. I kept screwing up, and getting into arguments with people because I failed to follow the group's rules about the discussions. I apologized yesterday when I realized that I am hypersensitive lately due to being early in sobriety. Well, today, I got a private e-mail from one of the mods of the group reprimanding me for stuff I had already apologized for. When I aked her why the reprimand post-apology, she said that I qualified my apology with excuses. All I had done was say that I have been hypersensitive lately, due to my early sobriety, but I did apologize to the group and the people I had argued with.
Needless to say, I am feeling very lonely, and misunderstood, and abandoned. Plus, I miss my daughter and granddaughter terribly. My granddaughter is really sick and I have been concerned about both of them because my daughter is pregnant, and exhausted. Her husband was away all weekend, and she did not get much sleep because of the munchkin having the stomach bug and a high fever. In the meantime, I am stuck in Pennsylvania, and they are in Michigan.
Sorry to whine and babble. I am just in the middle of my own personal meltdown.
Hugs,
Trish
In therapy, I was confronted with old behaviors that continue to crop up, and I just realized how low I had gone in the past year or so. I felt a deep sense of mourning and sadness, and guilt, shame and remorse. I realized that I felt this exact same way when my husband left me, and I acknowledged it was mainly due to my inappropriate behavior all throughout our marriage. The problem is, most of my negative behavior and attitude has either been in drinking or anger toward my therapist in counter-transference. I cried most of last night, and picked up some Teddy Grahams. I cannot get off the freaking sugar. Teddy Grahams are small, so I can get away with them.
So, today, I realized I needed help pulling myself out of the funk I fell into, and called my therapist. After waiting hours for him to return my call, he called me back when I was in the bathroom. His message reminded me that I had agreed in a signed agreement that phone calls between sessions would be limited. He reminded me that a true emergency should go to the E.R., and that if I really needed to talk to him, he would be happy to talk to me, but reminded me of our agreement. Well, I just burst into tears. I called him back and told him that I did not have an E.R. emergency, and that while I was having a meltdown, I would handle it.
In addition to this, I had participated in a Yahoo group for people in early recovery in AA. I kept screwing up, and getting into arguments with people because I failed to follow the group's rules about the discussions. I apologized yesterday when I realized that I am hypersensitive lately due to being early in sobriety. Well, today, I got a private e-mail from one of the mods of the group reprimanding me for stuff I had already apologized for. When I aked her why the reprimand post-apology, she said that I qualified my apology with excuses. All I had done was say that I have been hypersensitive lately, due to my early sobriety, but I did apologize to the group and the people I had argued with.
Needless to say, I am feeling very lonely, and misunderstood, and abandoned. Plus, I miss my daughter and granddaughter terribly. My granddaughter is really sick and I have been concerned about both of them because my daughter is pregnant, and exhausted. Her husband was away all weekend, and she did not get much sleep because of the munchkin having the stomach bug and a high fever. In the meantime, I am stuck in Pennsylvania, and they are in Michigan.
Sorry to whine and babble. I am just in the middle of my own personal meltdown.
Hugs,
Trish
Seek always to do some good, somewhere. Every man has to seek in his own way to realize his true worth. You must give some time to your fellow man. For remember, you don't live in a world all your own. Your brothers are here too.
Albert Schweitzer
Albert Schweitzer
Topic: RE: Support for those w/Alcoholism after surgery
I have gotten to the stage where I'm ready to go to a meeting. The longest I've gone without getting drunk is about 4 days. I have tried to quit so many hundreds of time that I know I need some extra support. It's very embarrassing for me, because my DH and I are born-again Christians and we've always been taught that Christians don't need AA because we have Jesus. The catch with the "evangelical" view is that they do not accept a statement that says we bieve in a higher power according to your understanding. It's Jesus or nothing. All I know is that we are alchoholic and we need help.
Topic: ~SPIRITUAL~ A DAY AT A TIME
03/08 REFLECTION FOR THE DAY
Merely to change my behavior, and what I say and do, doesn't prover there's been a change in my actual inner attitude. I'm deceiving myself if I believe I can somehow completely disguise my true feelings. They'll somehow come through, prolonging the difficulties in my relationships with others. I have to avoid half-measures in getting rid of the trouble-some emotions I've been trying to hide. HAVE I TAKEN AN HONEST INVENTORY OF MYSELF?
TODAY I PRAY
May I know that feelings will come out somehow -- sometimes barely disguised as behavior that I cannot always understand. But that perhaps is more acceptable to me than the root emotion that caused it. May I be completely and vigilantly honest with myself. May I be given the insight that comes through depending upon a Higher Power.
TODAY I WILL REMEMBER
Feelings can come out "sideways".
I can apply this one to Friday.. I got angry and said something to someone that maybe I should not have. After reading this.. I understand that my anger was just a disguise of feeling jealous (the root emotion that caused it). I apologized.. not sure if I'm forgiven, but that's okay... a consequence of my action I suppose. But how does one get rid of jealousy? I suppose that is where I have to depend upon my Higher Power and ask him to remove this character flaw. Sometimes.. it's frustrating
but at least I'm learning ..
Wisdom to know the difference and courage to change the things I can..
Merely to change my behavior, and what I say and do, doesn't prover there's been a change in my actual inner attitude. I'm deceiving myself if I believe I can somehow completely disguise my true feelings. They'll somehow come through, prolonging the difficulties in my relationships with others. I have to avoid half-measures in getting rid of the trouble-some emotions I've been trying to hide. HAVE I TAKEN AN HONEST INVENTORY OF MYSELF?
TODAY I PRAY
May I know that feelings will come out somehow -- sometimes barely disguised as behavior that I cannot always understand. But that perhaps is more acceptable to me than the root emotion that caused it. May I be completely and vigilantly honest with myself. May I be given the insight that comes through depending upon a Higher Power.
TODAY I WILL REMEMBER
Feelings can come out "sideways".
I can apply this one to Friday.. I got angry and said something to someone that maybe I should not have. After reading this.. I understand that my anger was just a disguise of feeling jealous (the root emotion that caused it). I apologized.. not sure if I'm forgiven, but that's okay... a consequence of my action I suppose. But how does one get rid of jealousy? I suppose that is where I have to depend upon my Higher Power and ask him to remove this character flaw. Sometimes.. it's frustrating
but at least I'm learning .. Wisdom to know the difference and courage to change the things I can..
It is good to have an end to journey towards; but it is the journey that matters in the end. ~Ursula K. LeGuin
Topic: RE: Sick Leave, Again
It makes sense from a practical standpoint. When I got the rejection letter, it was prior to my first sinus infection. That began in October, and I never really went off the antibiotics from then. Now, I am dealing with the swelling from the surgery.
I have had doctor's notes for all of my absences, but my principal is a tough cookie and he can be vengeful. I have to pray this does not blow up in my face. this year.
Trish
I have had doctor's notes for all of my absences, but my principal is a tough cookie and he can be vengeful. I have to pray this does not blow up in my face. this year.
Trish
Seek always to do some good, somewhere. Every man has to seek in his own way to realize his true worth. You must give some time to your fellow man. For remember, you don't live in a world all your own. Your brothers are here too.
Albert Schweitzer
Albert Schweitzer
Topic: RE: Sick Leave, Again
For those of you who are questioning this I know it may sound fishy but there are several qualifications for FMLA. I know because I am dealing with it currently. You have to have been employed for a certain length of time (for me this is a year) and you have to have had at least a certain number of paid work hours in the past year (for me it is 1250). I am so sorry you are not eligible for FMLA. What you can do is re-apply later when you may have enough hours to qualify. Good luck. I will keep my fingers crossed for you to get healthy soon.
Nancy Remember what you deserve. Be good to you. Do good to you.
5'11" HW 419 / SW 382 / CW 205 / GW 180
5'11" HW 419 / SW 382 / CW 205 / GW 180
Topic: RE: Cross Post: friend in trouble???
She can go to a psychiatric hospital and ask to be evaluated for admission. If she warrants admission, they will help her apply for medical assistance to pay for it. They cannot turn her away if she is sick enough to be admitted. If admitted, the social workers can help her apply for other things like medical disability for mental illness, if she qualifies. If she does not warrant inpatient care, ask them where she can access outpatient care, given her lack of a job and medical insurance. There are clinics where she can get help applying for medical assistance and medical disability. She can also go to the welfare office and apply for medical assistance, and temporary assistance for needy families. She can also apply for Section 8 housing, and see if there is anyway she can get into some sort of apartment situation with that assistance. Most importantly, she needs to be evaluated, because if she is to qualify for medical disability, she needs a psychiatric diagnosis that would prevent her from holding down a job. Not all psychiatric diagnoses prevent people from working. In my own case, I am bipolar, borderline personality disorder, eating disordered and alcoholic and I have two jobs, and once had three jobs.
Good luck.
Trish
Good luck.
Trish
Seek always to do some good, somewhere. Every man has to seek in his own way to realize his true worth. You must give some time to your fellow man. For remember, you don't live in a world all your own. Your brothers are here too.
Albert Schweitzer
Albert Schweitzer
Topic: RE: agoraphobia?
Thank you so much, Trish.
I always have my fiance with me when I go out, so that will continue until I feel brave enough to try leaving the house on my own. Your journal suggestion has me thinking that my unexplained desire to write more these days is a good one.
I will keep taking baby steps and writing! Thanks!
I always have my fiance with me when I go out, so that will continue until I feel brave enough to try leaving the house on my own. Your journal suggestion has me thinking that my unexplained desire to write more these days is a good one.
I will keep taking baby steps and writing! Thanks!
Topic: RE: Sick Leave, Again
I have taught in Philadelphia for 17 years, and had FMLA at one time, just not recently. Philadelphia's schools have over 16,000 employees, so I am sure it is plenty big enough. The reason given for turning me down was my number of days absent last year, which had to do with the fact that I was out sick for six weeks with hernia surgery, and then had a number of smaller absences, plus my brother died which had me absent for over a week.
I am turning in doctors' notes with each absence to my principal and just have to trust God for this one.
What tears me up is that I do not abuse my sick days, and only take them if I am legitimately sick, but have had coworkers take sick days to go to the shore or on cruises with no consequences.
Trish
I am turning in doctors' notes with each absence to my principal and just have to trust God for this one.
What tears me up is that I do not abuse my sick days, and only take them if I am legitimately sick, but have had coworkers take sick days to go to the shore or on cruises with no consequences.
Trish
Seek always to do some good, somewhere. Every man has to seek in his own way to realize his true worth. You must give some time to your fellow man. For remember, you don't live in a world all your own. Your brothers are here too.
Albert Schweitzer
Albert Schweitzer
Topic: RE: Sick Leave, Again
Hi, I stopped by this forum for the first time and saw your post.
FMLA gives you 12 weeks of unpaid leave, assuming your employer is big enough to be covered by it--I imagine a school district is, but I can't remember whether school districts are exempted (some types of government employers are).
Employers can require you to use all your paid leave before giving you FMLA leave, but they can't deny you FMLA leave if you meet the criteria--a documented medical reason is sufficient, and they cannot second-guess your doctor. Make sure that you apply for intermittent FMLA leave, if that fits your cir****tances. Things like depression, migraines--that can come and go--can qualify you for intermittent FMLA leave. Most employers hate dealing with intermittent leave, but tough nouggies, they have to if they fall under FMLA.
You aren't eligible for FMLA coverage unless you've been an employee for some amount of time, IIRC a year. So maybe with your absences you had not completed enough time on the job--but I'm not sure employers are allowed to calculate your time on the job that way. Get that clarified from HR. If you missed more than 12 weeks of work due to medical absences, you would have exhausted your FMLA leave, so possibly that is what this denial is. You need to look at the docs that HR gave you. If they didn't give you any--they must.
FMLA gives you 12 weeks of unpaid leave, assuming your employer is big enough to be covered by it--I imagine a school district is, but I can't remember whether school districts are exempted (some types of government employers are).
Employers can require you to use all your paid leave before giving you FMLA leave, but they can't deny you FMLA leave if you meet the criteria--a documented medical reason is sufficient, and they cannot second-guess your doctor. Make sure that you apply for intermittent FMLA leave, if that fits your cir****tances. Things like depression, migraines--that can come and go--can qualify you for intermittent FMLA leave. Most employers hate dealing with intermittent leave, but tough nouggies, they have to if they fall under FMLA.
You aren't eligible for FMLA coverage unless you've been an employee for some amount of time, IIRC a year. So maybe with your absences you had not completed enough time on the job--but I'm not sure employers are allowed to calculate your time on the job that way. Get that clarified from HR. If you missed more than 12 weeks of work due to medical absences, you would have exhausted your FMLA leave, so possibly that is what this denial is. You need to look at the docs that HR gave you. If they didn't give you any--they must.
Jenn
Type 1 diabetic, 26 years
With great power (the DS!) comes great responsibility.
Topic: RE: agoraphobia?
I do not have a lot of experience with it, but did treat a client with it once. She had been a teller in a bank and was held up at gunpoint. After the assault, she developed such a fear of leaving her apartment, she could not function very well at all. I had been helping her to take baby steps in going out to small stores during off hours, when they would not be crowded. She was progressing well, till one day her boyfriend forced her to go to a huge shopping mall and she completely decompensated.
My suggestion is two fold. First, keep a journal of your thinking when you go out, and come home. What thoughts went with your fear while you were out? What were you afraid of while you were out? Second, take baby steps, and try to take them daily. If you need to have someone with you when you go out, that is okay. Even if you just take a walk to the corner of your street one day, just getting out will help you. The more you stay home, the stronger your fear becomes.
Take your journal to therapy with you so you can discuss your thinking that goes with your feelings when you are out. This will help your therapist help you. I journal a lot and share it with my therapist, and is has helped me make tremendous progress in my overall recovery from my issues.
Trish
My suggestion is two fold. First, keep a journal of your thinking when you go out, and come home. What thoughts went with your fear while you were out? What were you afraid of while you were out? Second, take baby steps, and try to take them daily. If you need to have someone with you when you go out, that is okay. Even if you just take a walk to the corner of your street one day, just getting out will help you. The more you stay home, the stronger your fear becomes.
Take your journal to therapy with you so you can discuss your thinking that goes with your feelings when you are out. This will help your therapist help you. I journal a lot and share it with my therapist, and is has helped me make tremendous progress in my overall recovery from my issues.
Trish
Seek always to do some good, somewhere. Every man has to seek in his own way to realize his true worth. You must give some time to your fellow man. For remember, you don't live in a world all your own. Your brothers are here too.
Albert Schweitzer
Albert Schweitzer
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