Apparently I clicked ont he wrong reply button.  See my response below your original post.  kathy

hi kathy,
i am really grateful to you for taking the time to read and respond to my post.
it is nice to know that you care enough to write and share some of your experiences along with practicle advice.
i would like to live near the sea or countryside where things are clearer greener and calmer.

yes, you are right i do have alot of issues in myself that really need to be dealt with because i can't go on feeling as i do all my life.
i take propananol for my anxiety attacks, its a kind of beta blocker.
ive been taking them for so long i hardly notice its effects anymore.
i have like a nervous disorder that manifests itself in like a nervous tremor, my whole body trembles.
sometimes standing or sitting still is a real struggle especially if i'm feeling really anxious.
the therapy group is to hopefully give me a opportunity to talk about how i feel and cope and hopefully by the end of it i will feel ready to go back to work.
as for the sucicidal thoughts, i try hard to put them out of my mind and try to focus on something positive, which is often easier said than done when one is long term depressed.
i think i may have bi polar disorder but have not been diagnosed for it.
i will go to the religious group on sunday because we have a meeting then.
i feel sad when i look at the world and see people smoking, and over consuming alcohol etc...it looks horrible in the light of day and people dont hide and do them, they do it in full view of people.
i keep telling myself i should not care because then it would not bother me.
but i know i'm kidding myself because i can't not be concerned no matter how i try.
ive been there with the alcohol tobacco and drugs and i found they dont help at all, it just makes things worse.
the sweating problem has been going on for decades.
i have noticed that when i feel anxious, my pores open up rapidly and i start sweating profusely.
its rare to see me dry and without a face flannel in my hand lol.
i hope kelli manages to quit smoking when she feels ready.
i know its not easy but it can be done.
well, its been a joy writing to you kathy,
thank you.
kind regards
Trevor...take care
ps, several years ago i did look into yoga as a way of learning to relax but changed my mind.
i wonder if it would work for me kathy?
i find it very difficult to physically relax, i'm always trembling.

Wow, Trevor.  You have alot of things on your mind.  You write very well.  I wish you weren't so sad.  Besides this group thing, are you seeing a psychiatrist?  Are you taking any anti-depressants?  Have you been diagnosed with a mood disorder?  It sounds like you have alot of issues to work through.  Yes, I suffer from depression.   I find tremendous relief with the anti-depressant medication and behavioral therapy.  I, too, get sad often when I see/realize the current state of our environment, but a short trip into the country or to the ocean (I live near both) usually helps calm my mind.  Of course, I have other issues going on too, but sometimes the depression is overwhelming.  I am concerned that you are having suicidal thoughts.  Trevor, you are worthy of this planet and belong here.  Don't for one minute forget that.  As for the profuse sweating - please see a doctor.  There are all kinds of treatments for this condition.  Research it on the web.  In order to participate in your group, you first need inner security.  Have you tried relaxing yoga, to calm your mind?  It would also be good for you to actively participate in your religous group, consistently.  Try to volunteer for ongoing projects - little ones at first, to establish your comfort range and go from there.  This is not going to happen overnight.  Baby steps, my dear.  It takes people a while to realize what potential you have.  I was painfully shy when I was young and to this day feel bad about the things I missed in high school and college because I was too afraid to do things, or speak up.  I was used constantly.  After the depression started in my late 30's, I sought help.  And you know what?  I am a better person for it.  Yes, I do have some extenuating cir****tances that would send anyone into a major depression, but I have and continue to work through it.  It is a work in progress.  Everyday.  I try to do at least one nice thing for some one every day, however small it may be (holding the door, saying hello, anything that requires eye to eye contact).  This helps.  I also remember to do something for myself too.

Please keep us posted on your progress.  We care.  Kathy

PS:  Trevor - I just read your post to Kelli about quitting smoking.  You are a great support to her.  You've got it in you.   We just need to help you through this funk that you're in.  Your post was very well thought out without being over-the-top arm bending about quitting smoking.  Good for you on your ten years!

when was the last time you saw someone with a sad expression on their face?
well, if you lived in the uk, you would have seen someone with a sad expression on their face.....it was me.

the reason i was/felt sad was because i had to attend a cognitive group threrapy class and i didn't feel like going for several reasons.

first is and as strange as it sounds, i don't like going out...one of the reason's is because i get panic attacks which although i experience them inside and out, it however seems to feel more intense when i go out.

2nd reason is i suffer from hyperhidrosis which makes me sweat excessively in both cold and warm weather.
i'm not sure but the extra pounds i carry on my body may make it worse?
either way i sweat alot and therefore have to carry with me a face flannel to mop my face and neck.
i could of caught the bus to the meeting but i only had enough for one journey so i walked and of course i started sweating, and by the time i arrived at the hospital i felt pretty warm and it took me a while to cool down.
i felt embarrased walking into the group wiping my face with my flannel even though i could not help it.
whilst there i found out that the meetings are every thursday, so that means i'm gonna be sweating again, even though i think i will catch the bus next time.
it's gonna work out quite expensive making two trips on the bus there and back and i fear that i will quickly tire of it and decide to quit the group.
but i dont really want to because i want to see if i will benefit from being part of the group by   listening and contributing(although i kept quiet today my first day) 
i'm hoping next time i will make a effort to speak and get to know the fellow group members.
although i try to put on a brave face, inside however i am very insecure and uncomfortable with myself and i'm quite shy and dont really enjoy talking, but if i feel passionate about something and i can control my nerves. i can be quite what do you call it thingy? lol
(perhaps someone can remind me of the term i could not remember?)
i also feel unhappy with the enviroment where i live.
this may sound strange but i really feel tired of seeing cars trucks and buses everywhere.
i wish i could walk freely without big trucks and cars zooming past me every minute and that i can cross a road without worrying i might get knocked down.
and then we have the endless cracked and uneven paving stones everywhere which gets on my nerves.
and its almost impossible to breate fresh air because someone is always smoking and the streets are littered with cigarette stubs which leaves with the impression that people dont care about their health or the enviroment.
and i feel tired of being overweight...240 pounds.
my heaviest was 260 in 2006.
i have cut down on the amount i consume but what i consume is not always low in calories.
and lastly i struggle with feeling sucicidal when i feel really low.
i question whether it is worth me being alive?
i'm grateful to be alive and have a basic sufficency of basic needs, but nevertheless i still feel unhappy.
i'm 42 and for as long as i can remember, i have always felt depressed.
i think having a nervous disorder for most of my life has made it a struggle to keep a positive frame of mind because that is the root of my problem, i tend to think negative and feel easily discouraged.
i'm meant to go to a religious meeting tonight but i feel so low in myself that i dont think i will make the effort to go.
but then i feel guilty about that.
i want to believe that one day i will feel better and the world will change and give me less reason to feel depressed and frustrated.
coming back on the bus today and seeing all the cars and buses jammed up on the road, i thought to myself how does my younger brother cope with being a bus driver?
i dont think i could cope with that.
so you see, its all in the mind, i let things get to me and its not good for me or anyone really.
ok, i would appreciate your response.
do you feel the same?
if so how do you cope?

I didn't do the 30 day stint, but I did do the 5 day stay.  I missed my family very much but I knew that I had to do this for me and me alone.  They could not help me.  I never thought of the Intensive Outpatient thing because I went right from detoxing in the hospital to a clinic, by ambulance.  I can tell you that my cats were mighty pissed at me.  Hubby and I had a few rough patches, kids were quizzitive, but all in all, we survived and so will you.  Get the treatment you need.  Do not worry about anything else but yourself.  Everything will be there when you are finished.  Proud tos ay I am 11 months sober and very very happy.  I got my life back and I am enjoying every minute of it.  I am always available if you need to talk.  Good luck to you.  Kathy