I am going to tear my family apart!

Hello, To make a long story short, I was raped by my brother for about 6 years from the age of 5-11. My parents have known for 10 years, but have done nothing--they still function as if nothing is wrong. And me? I stuff myself with food and cut my arms to make the pain go away. I was recently put in a mental hospital for a week to stabilize my meds. So, we had a family meeting (mom, dad, my husband) and after that my psych said that she may have to phone Childrens Aid society on my brother, because he has a daughter who is 6 and 2 younger boys. My neice is precious to me--if anything happenned to her I would die...the guilt! So I called Childrens Aid myself (anonymously) and asked about my situation...the woman said, yes, it is the doctor's professional duty to report. I do understand this, as I have had to report (I am a teacher and I see this stuff all the time--too often ) But I can't imagine what my sister-in-law will do (obviously she does not know) or how the Children's Aid will go about this. Everyone will know--my 88 year old grandma--yuck! It is all just so yucky. I feel sick and terrible and it's on my mind constantly. I am also waiting to be approved for WLS so we will see what happens. Maybe they will deny me because I am crazy! I am angry that this happenned to me. I deserve a better life! Gwen.

Gwen, I am so sorry that you're going through this but let me say one thing.... your niece needs to be removed from a potentially dangerous situation. Men like your brother don't stop - ever. Shame on your parents too!! Stop thinking about what everyone will think too.... you have nothing to be ashamed of. Good Luck! Vanessa

Gwen, Your broter should be held accountable and responsble for what he did to you. The mother of the children will be protected not to worry. The system is decsent in protecting the children and the good parent. She will be safe with the children if she decide to keep them safe and away from her monster husband and father and follow the directions of the social worker. I understand it imay be a shock to her and it may not. It may explain in her mind the questions she may have about certain behavior he has that she cannot understand. At the right time you may be able to ask her the questions if she still around and talkative. It is the same in your class room certain kid act in a certain way and from his/her behavior you could guess what happen or what he is all about at home. It may also be the case for your sister -in -law once all of this is put in front of her. She maybe thanksful to you for saving her and the children from some future disaster if it did not happen yet. All of this will be part of your healing process. You will work hard at your anger process to get to the peacful side. It may take you few years of pain and crying with lots of therapy and a commitment on your part to your psychological recovery. I recommend you try to get over the anger before you have your WLS surgery. WHY? It will be much easier to handle the change and the food, and the drastic weight loss once you don't have this type of painful past to deal with. If it's put to rest and the healing process has taken it's course your weight loss will be effortless. If you remain angry and you have the surgery you will struggle in loosing the weight. I am talking to you from experience. I am 10 years post-op and a succesful weight loss maintainor. I have seen too many people struggle because of this type of issues. They neglected to work on the problems before surgery. I have seen too many people succeed because they worked hard on healing the past before surgery. I hope I am able to help you and Good luck. If you have any questions, please ask me email me and or post on the board. I will always respond openly and honestly. Remeber one thing you are not alone. We are here to support you and hold your hand 24/7. You Obesity Help family care. ((((Hugs)))) Dani

Gwen: I am sorry about the issues that you are going through, but I like to look at them as experiences given to us to cause us to learn and to grow. Being in the thick of it, it will be hard to look at it in such a fashion, and I understand that. I went through a similar situation with my father. He molested me from the age of 8 to approximately 16. The mental issues that his actions caused reverberated well into my adult life, making it difficult to hold a job and be in a relationship. For so many years, I hated him and wanted revenge on him. However, as I grew and sought assistance, I began to realize that the best thing that I could do for myself is to forgive him. Talking about this situation is the first step in taking your life back. For so many years, the pain of what your brother did to you ruled your existence. Now, you have the opportunity to start being the ruler of your own life. There is a book that was given to me by a former friend. It was titled "The Road Less Traveled" and was written by M. Scott Peck. That book and his thoughts single-handedly helped me overcome most of my childhood issues and misconceptions. I recommend that you pick it up and read it at your leisure. For me, it taught me that I was responsibile for my life, so I had to learn to kick the habits that were holding me down. I pray that the spirit of God descend upon you and bring you the enlightment that you so desire.

Wow girl- ur childhoods sound very similar. I feel your pain. My parents found out about my abuse not untill I was about age16 or so. It is something not discussed on out family as i is moreless a private issue. Although my mom and I will discuss it every now and then. After my weight loss surgery bout a year after I finally got the courage to write my brother a letter and send it certified and wrote everything I ever wanted to say in there. I felt at peace for the first time in my life about the abuse after sending the letter. I also have 2 nieces I worry about as well. It is best for the chld protetive service to come out to investigte. You weren't protected and you feel the need to protect them. Totally understood!! Try to look at it this way.....who cares if all these ppl find out that he is a molester. They should be aware of what he is capabile of. You have hidden behind this for so many years it is about time you come out and take the next steps. This is all part of the healing process as well for sexually abused people. God bless you hun. lets keep in touch! -lauri B

Gwen,
I had a simalar experince too. Only my was withan uncle and two cousins. I've been in therapy for years. The pain is getting better but it's still there. You did the right thing by telling the child protective services. Hopefully you stopped the abuse for your nieces. Let's pray to God you did!!!! Mine started at age 5-15. When my parents found out they called the police...but nothing was done to my uncle because it was an election year
and the prosecutors didn't want it in the news. Talking does help get all the negative fellings out. GOD BLESS YOU for taking a stand for your nieces and any other little girl within your brothers reach. My family won't talk
about this either. My anut, the one married to my abusive uncle, still blames me for this happening. I put most of the blame on her though because if she would have been a loving,caring,and givng person who took care of her husbands sexual needs this wouldn't have happened.You might try what the other lady did a send a certified letter to your brother and tell him your fellings.I'll pray for you. Keep in touch.
Lorri V

God bless you.

You know molesters don't sprut one day like wildflowers. I wouldn't be surprised if he were molested by someone (your father or someone else) in the family. Check it out.

Yes, you did the right thing by reporting him - as he will certainly continue. Molesters never stop at one victim. And the victum harm the next generation and so on...

I have never been molested - though my mother's boyfriend was way too interested in me so I always kept my distance. Creepy and I hated him. I do know many people that have been through this though.

The fact that this sort of stuff has been going on for generations and no one can find a way of stopping it ... is a sign of a sick society in my opinion.

I never had kids ... for many reasons actually .. but this kind of thing was one of the reasons.

To Dear Sweet Lorri, If you've been in therapy for years, I know you realize this statement is in error: "My anut, the one married to my abusive uncle, ....... I put most of the blame on her though because if she would have been a loving,caring,and givng person who took care of her husbands sexual needs this wouldn't have happened."  I absolutely am certain you know that sexual molestation of children is not a matter of wives not meeting their husband's sexual needs. If that were the case, practically all men would be sexually molesting every child they could get their hands on. Pedophilia is a serious mental illness, it is a matter of violence, control and submission more than sex. I know you know that. I'm thinking you are just so angry at all the adults that perhaps knew this was happening and did nothing to protect you. Your anger is completely justified and no one disputes your right to it. They deserve it! But it is important to put the blame for sexual abuse on the person that commits it and not on their spouses. Pedophiles rape and molest while having what the rest of us would think are completely satisfying sex with their spouses. Yes, there is usually a disgusting network surrounding the molester of knowing adults, enablers in all sorts of ways, usually due to ignorance, denial, fear , shame - you name it.  I know also it is sometimes easier for survivors to project their blame for the molestations on someone other than the molester - this may be less scarey for them as there may have been threats made by the molester if they ever told or they had vestiges of still being controlled by them or sometimes even remnants of their childhood feelings of being made to feel special by the molester which the molester used as a way to ensnare the child into their confidence and that feeling of loyalty, even to the monster keeps them from blaming him directly. I imagine you feel this way too about your aunt because she is ignorant enough to blame it on you - that would anger anybody! She is very sick too. It's all a terrible thing to do to a person and you are extremely courageous in getting therapy and trying to help others here. I am in awe of anyone who survives and decides to live their life rather than giving it over to the pain and betrayal of molestation. I hope you read this knowing what is in my heart as I write it: compassion and admiration.

Thank you!!   I was shocked when I read Lorri's post where she was laying the blame on her aunt for what her uncle did to her.  Not that her aunt sounds like a spectacular person or anything, but it certainly isn't her fault by any stretch of the imagination.   Bottom line, your uncle is responsible for his own actions.  Shame on him.   Hope you get the help you need to be able to deal with this as it is a very serious issue and no one should ever have to go through this.