My name is...

Dana and I have come to realize that I have a drinking problem. I am very scared and in some ways happy that I am finally admitting this to myself. I come from a long line of alcoholics who are recovering and as much as I would always say.. "I will never get that bad." I believe it has. I have been finding myself stoping at the local pub, after work 2-3 days a week for 6-7 beers in 2 hours time and spending $500 on pull tabs like there was nothing wrong with it... HELLO... There is LOTS wrong with it! Except for the obvious, who has 1500.00 a week to throw at pulltabs?!?! Other days when I get home from work, I will sit in our garage.. (Mans Garage, if you know what I mean..TV..fridge..heat) and throw back 4-5 beers in an hour, all the while the family is in the house. The finaly straw was Friday night, sitting belly up, throwing back multiple beers, playing many pulltabs, then driving home.. WHAT WAS I THINKING!?!? I made it home fine, minutes before I passed out, but what scared me most this time is what could have happened. Then when checking the bank balance and realizing I spent well over $800.00 on pulltabs...!! I had to borrow money from my brother, lying about why and this didnt make me feel good AT ALL. GOOD LORD GIVE ME STRENGTH, CUZ TODAY I WANT TO MAKE A CHANGE. I am so scared!! Scared of what my brother and sister, parents friends will say.. Scared of not being accepted and scared of being rejected. The only person *****ally knows about this is my SO, who has been oh so patient with me and only recently making comments and tactfully trying to tell me that there is an issue. Our daughter is noticing too, as much as I try to keep it in the closet, so to speak... She knows, which is breaking my heart. (considering what I went through with an alcoholic mother). She is nearly 17 years old and I dont want her to go thru what I went thru when I was her age. My g-pa just celebrated is 19 year @ AA (80 yrs old) and my mother, her 2 year (60 yrs old).. I think at 38, I really want to start living my life, before it gets as bad as it did for my g-pa and mom.. AGAIN.. I am scared and I hope to research into meetings today and get up the guts to go to one. Thank YOU so much for listening.. Dana~ who is scared, but feeling a bit better getting this out on the table.

The simple fact that you're speaking up is the first step in the right direction. Perhaps if you could share with your mom or grandpa who'se been down this road they could give you some much needed support? Keep in mind, from what I've read, alcoholism is often inherited. There are some wonderful people on this addictions forum . . feel free to unload anytime you feel the urge. Good luck. Linda

Linda... THANK YOU.. for your response.. I had truly thought about telling my mom this morning when I was talking to her, but got freaked out. I have no doubt that my mom and g-pa will be able to offer me support, its just telling them in the 1st place is whats getting to me.. Thanks for your ear and your support.. Dana

Dana, Welcome! You sound like a sister. I can oh so relate to your feelings. Trust. Trust that people who have walked in your shoes understand and know that the only way to keep their peace of mind is to extend it to another. Linda is correct that your family who have chosen a better way will be a great support. You are correct about your daughter. My 17 yr old daughter is well aware of addiction. Her BF is in recovery. She is my biggest supporter and very proud of me. I embrassed this sober life and reap the rewards daily. That does not mean it is easy but it is always better. I have the best friends today. They undestand me. They are fun and are my extended family. Inside and outside the rooms of NA. We have full lives. Congratulations on reaching out today. Give yourself a break and go to a meeting, listen, get some phone numbers. Stay open to the things you hear. Let it sink in. Most people tell you to get a basic text or "big book". Excellant advice but I personally have a bond to the Just for Today readings. Since my first meeting I read those simple readings and found it calmed me and gave me direction.Please stay plugged in and always feel free to post or drop an email. Hugs, Laurie

Thank you Laurie for your acceptance and guidance.. Honestly.... After I posted what I did, I was thinking of everyway I could take it back. When I actually voiced what I did, that kind of brought me down to reality. I went back and re-read my post atleast 6 times thinking.. "did it really need to come to this?!?" I know I have a problem.... But I keep thinking.. OK... maybe if I cut down or only drink 1 day a week it wont be... Bottom line, I think I will always have an addictive behavior and I need to work on that. I keep thinking.. "When did it get bad?" I truly have NO idea and to think I use to be that social drinker that would have a couple every couple of weeks just because I didnt want to end up like my mother and live the life she led.. One day at a time... I noticed in the phonebook that they have a new beginners chapter of AA that I hope to be looking into soon.. Thanks again to both YOU and Linda on your welcome... Dana ps... I have a shoe problem too..

Always here to support. you are on the brink of some wonderful things. Don't give up or run away. Now shoes are still an issue with me! Could be something worse.LOL Laurie

Thanks again Laurie.. Last night I was feeling weak, but stayed strong. Lots running through my mind and I am thankful ya'll on this forum dont mind me letting it out. Last year I went a little wacko and threw a bunch of shoes in the VET box.. Still have alot and will plan on replacing as a bonus to not spending money on beer and pulltabs!! Have a GREAT day!! Dana

Shoes are a healthier choice. I still have to be careful with retail therapy.Anything I start obsessing about will filter into a problem.When I start thinking I HAVE to have it it is a warning. I am so happy to see you post. Isolating is death. I finally got to a meeting last night. It felt good to be back. There were a lot of newcomers. In fact I chair a meeting at noon today. I need to share a WOW moment with someone. I shared last night that I was feeling very reflective because I turn 50 this month and 2 yr post op. When I decided to do whatever it took to save my life and have wls I could never imagined it would lead to NA. Well after the meeting a young man came up and was amazed I am 50. He thought I was in my 30's!!!! Even if he was exagerating it still felt good. Stay strong and never let fear keep you from reaching out. There will be someone there to extend a hand. Hugs, Laurie

Good for you Dayner. Realizing and admitting that you have a problem is a gigantic frist step. If you are close to your g-pa & mom they probably already know, or at least suspect and are just waiting for you to come to them. I bet they will be totally supportive. Now I have a question, what are pull tabs??...Eve

Hi, I am guessing they are lottery tickets. I know some people who are seriously into them. Just another habit. I stay away from them.I have won a few times and I am sure I could start thinking I need to buy them! Gambling was one of my family's addictions. I stay away. Laurie