UPDATE, EMBARRASSED, ASHAMED!!!

It's been a few weeks since I posted last.... Not a lot has changed... I need a severe kick in the rear...HARD PLZ!!! I'm at the point that I'm feeling "selfish" lettin this "disease..per say" take president over my life, and my childrens'. My hubby is rarely home, typically 9:30 10 pm.. (even though he leaves before 7am). I know he knows, or I hope on some level he does, yet I think he's to exhausted to get into anything! I work every other weekend..low keel...I sleep during the day, as I'm scheduled the night shift! My weekend off is, catch up around the house, or the "in-laws" are here for the weekend! Touchy subject!!!!!!!! Anywho, hubby is "vacationing in Southern Cali. (leaving next Wed. back late Mon.) I'm excited for the "break" and "stress-relief" his departure will bring!! Gosh, that really sounds bad!! Honestly, I don't plan to give up my "past time" until he comes back.....OR UNTIL HE FINALLY CONFRONTS ME!!!! HOWEVER, I'm afraid about something!!!! what if he is so in denial< that he never does confront me like he did as i was a pre-op??? AS A PRE-OP, HE EVEN WENT TO MY PARENTS telling his concerns about my abuse of alcohol (he was finding empty containers of Vodka or generic 5lrs of wine hidden in my trunk). I sound so PATHETIC, PLZ set me in my place!!! Obviously I know I have a problem....or am on the track to one!!!! WHY AM I WAITING FOR THE ULTIMATE CONFRONTATION OF HUBBY...VS STEPPING UP AND SITTING DOWN WITH HIM AND TELLING HIM THAT I "THINK" I HAVE A PROBLEM??? When I was 15, someone told me that "you know that you are addicted to ciggs. when you go out to buy another pack before your last pack is gone". Well, this has been the story lately for at least 14 months! And, I've even been rotating between three differ liquor stores...as I'm embarrrassed for frequenting so much!!!! RED FLAG....I SEE THAT YET WHY CAN"T I FIND THE WILL POWER TO STOP???????????? BIG HUGS~~ DAISY~~

Well, if it will help I am kicking you in the ass! You sound miserable. When will you be sick and tired of being sick and tired? Do you have to lose your husband and kids to be bad enough? Do not fool yourself this can happen. Do you have to be arrested? Sent to rehab? Will that be enough? Do you wait until your liver is damaged? Not being mean just honest. Look ahead. Do you see that these things and maybe worse will happen? I know plenty of people who live with the wreckage. No one can make you get sober for good but you. Do you need me to tell you your ass is on fire? Well it is. When will the pain be great enough? I cannot answer that question but I can and will tell you that you are in trouble and have a choice. YOU HAVE THE CHOICE to get sober. Hubby has the choice to stay or leave. Would you leave the kids with him if he were a drunk? Find a meeting. You do not have to Do or say anything. LISTEN. Just a suggestion. You will do whatever yu want. I will keep you in my prayers and invite you to email me if you want. Hugs, laurie

You don't need to be ashamed or embarrassed. Its a disease. You sound scared. Understandable. Only you can fix you. Hubbie is away for a bit, why don't you try a meeting on your own, quietly. No one needs to know about it but you. Good luck. Hugs from NJ.

Hi Linda, I feel my post sounds a bit harsh but a kick in the butt was requested. I am often alittle too loving and you can love people to death. Very concerned about Daisy. Laurie

Laurie!!! Gosh, your reply was TOUGH TO READ!!!! I needed it though!! Thz! My arse is still sore from your whopin' girl! Your absolutely right, I WOULN'T LEAVE MY CHILDREN IN MY HUBBYS CARE IF HE WERE ME!!! The thought of LOSING my children (never crossed my mind) frightens the bejesus out of me!!!! I'm so scared cuz I feel so "cluched at the throat" with this!!!! I just wanted to thank you again for the support you've ALWAYS OFFERED EVERYTIME I'VE POSTED. I'm takin this very seriously as honestly I've known for some time that I have and this has become quite a problem!!! And, Linda, I want to thank you as well for your unconditional support too! I never really thought about it, but your suggestion of me perhaps attending a AA group while he is gone is something that I think I will really look into! I don't really have to "talk" do I? I mean, I can JUST LISTEN??? In the movies, everyone seems to go around introduce themselves, and say I'm an alcoholic ect.... Will I have to say that too! OMG, listen to me I sound SO PATHETIC!!! I just wanted to thank both off you!!! Time for me to soak my "sore" hiddy in the tub, thz again Laurie for your concern! ~Hugs~ DAISY~

Daisy, All groups are different. Go to an OPEN mtg. Even the one I went to that called on people you can just say." I pass" I only had that happen once and it was after I had been in a program for awhile so it was okay. But others passed. As I have shared before, I go to NA. That is were my home group is. Once you have been around and checked out different groups you will find one that fits you. When I first started going our group went around the table and everyone introduced themselves." I am Laurie I am an addict" I would say I am visiting. Only people who believe they are addicts shared. Now we dropped that intro thing. It scares newcomers and eats up a lot of mtg time. there are plenty of ways to find mtgs. Your local paper, google AA in your town and or call the hotline number. Generally AA has the most meetings anywhere I have been. It has been around the longest. My limited experience in AA is a little more Christian oriented at least in this area but please keep an open mind and listen to the similarities you have when people talk about their feelings and emotions. A higher power is whatever you say it is as long as it is loving and caring. If you believe the sun will rise every morning that is something bigger than you that you cannot control. Am I making any sense? It is hard to think and type sometimes! LOL I am so glad you wrote and hope with all my heart you will take care of yourself. I almost missed this post somehow and was going to write you as it is Sat night and a difficult time for many to stay sober. Hugs not drugs,( alcohol is a drug in my life) Laurie

Laurie, Thz, again! I hope you don't miss this "reply" to your most recent reply to this original post (LOL, if that made any sence). I'm scared, nervous, embarrassed, afraid of letting go, ect..... I appreciate your genuine concern, sincerely I do! I scare MYSELF TOO!!! Yet, I still struggle! On some level, I don't want this a part of my life anymore, yet HONESTLY I'm NOT "comfortable" sober unless I know I have "something" on the back burner to say...knowin it's there! However, I have promised myself to call around Mon. to seek out AA groups...when, where, ect! I'm hopin my neighbor girl can/will babysit...I would like to go to at least listen; esp since hubby will be gone/not know! Plz keep me in your thoughts...I'll try to post by Tues. late afternoon(gotta work Mon. night) and let you know how I'm doin/if I found a group that'll work out! THIS JUST SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!! I KNOW this has been all to consuming, causing problems in a lot of areas, affecting not only myself, attendence at work, relationship with hubby and with my precious kids, yet I don't know if I really want to STOP! HOW PATHETIC/SELFLISH IS THAT?????? Hugs~

Daisy, Hi girl. I am glad you are planning to check out the meetings. you will feel better about yourself when you do it. Just think what a positive step that is. Doing something good for Daisy that will also be good for those you love. I do keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I have been there and it is a big step but I am so glad I did it. Personally by the second mtg I attended I was able to identify and felt better. It has been and continues to be a process but I speak the truth when I say my best day using was worse than my worst day clean. My head just never talks to me so loud anymore I cannot think. Wishing you peace of mind, Laurie

Hi Daisy, Just hoping you are doing a little better. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. hugs, Laurie

After 10 1/2 years of sobriety, I relapsed when hubby went to Singapore. It somehow got intomy head that I was "free" andcould do whatever I wanted to. After all of these years, Singaporean Chinese hubby still doesn'tunderstand. He thinks it'samoralissue; discipline lacking. He resents that I can't go clubbing with him. He will never get it. But he doesn't have to. I have to get it and do it for myself. Ironic how people will judge a sober alcoholic as they chug MaiTais (parents...One a step-mom...I know ugh!) Vicki