CONFESSION!!! PLZ BE NICE!

Really SCARED! I have known that I've had a problem with alcohol, even as a pre-op, but have kept it under rador, so I thought! I've lost A LOT of wt. post WLS only 13 until goal!!! However, I'm breakin every rule...for starters I never did quit smoking, I DO drink with meals (not a lot, typically milk...but STILL), I typically only eat 2-3 meals a day with occas. snacks (if I snack it's fruit or veggies). I try to focus on protein, but admit that I am REALLY bad with VITS! Fortunately, my labs last Nov. were within normal limits! However, honestly I haven't made them a PRIORITY like I know I need to since than! My current problem is that All I think about is when can I have my next "buzz"! I've had occas. of forgetting what happened before I fell asleep/or passed out! OMG, I know that it has become a problem...embarrassed to admit everything...typically, on a usual week I'll stay up past everyones' bedtime, and get F'D UP, at least 4-5 times a week! I'm basically WORTHLESS until 2 pm, while tryin' to care for a 5 yr old in between commericals!!!!! I'M PATHETIC I KNOW, BEING REALLY HONEST HERE! PLZ DON'T BASH ME.....I LOVE MY DAUGHTER/AND AM SINCERELY ASHAMED OF THIS, I know that I've been NEGLECTING HER IE cartoons bein her "babysitter" as she is sittin next to me until I'm mentally fuctuntal/awake (while I'm dozing on the couch) HOWEVER, I STILL LIKE IT (the buzz/escape), TO A FLAUT! AND, BEING HONEST HERE, I REALLY DON"T WANT TO GIVE UP THE ESCAPE YET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think of my children, have told myself...this is it, NO more....over and over again... Yet, I can't understand why my painful self admittance isn't ENOUGH TO OVERRIDE THE MATERNAL WELL BEING LOVE/INSTINCTS I SHOULD HAVE AS A MOMMY??? WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF/AND MY CHILDREN???? I'm missing out on my own life, as well as risking losing my job, and my kidlets are dealing with a MOODY/UNINVOLVED MOMMY! I Know I need help, not sure where to turn for it, UPSET CAUSE HUBBY HAS TURNED HIS HEAD FOR SO LONG...(DIDN'T MAKE ME FEEL THE MUSIC) Any advice greatly appreciateld!!!! WHEN DO I HIT ROCK BOTTOM, WHEN DO I ADMIT ON A PERSONAL LEVEL THAT I NEED HELP???????? MY HUBBY, I know has been co-enabling me, doesn't comment/get in my face about the booze. (SEX is better when I'm F'D up) only thing I can think of as to why he hasn't tried to set me straight thus far! I've got two young kidlets...9 and 5 yrs old...I sleep a lot when I should be with them, I've been havin BAD DREAMS recently, I think I need help...yet am scared cause I really DO NOT WANT TO STOP NUMBING THE PAIN!!!!! Can anyone relate????????????????

It's me AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! With this post, I'm not trying to place the "blame" on my hubby........as my previous post may have reflected!!!! Yes, he has ON NUMEROUS OCCASIONS TURNED HIS HEAD/DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING...WHEN I KNEW THAT HE KNEW THAT I WAS F'D UP (I also believe that he saw thru me...and during ALL of those times...he looked away...pretending/not confronting that there might be a problem here! Yep, I know he knew that I was F'D UP, but hasn't addressed it/made it a prioity/deal breaker considering that we now have two beautiful young children together and ultimately it puts the "family" in bad light! Maybe I'm lookin for a RESCUE....readin posts/replies lately are makin me think that I have no hope with my addictions/and further relations with hubby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (sorry for any misspellings...typin' fast tonight).

Daisy, You sent me a note asking to reply privately and I will. I do want to say here that in my opinion the fact that you are reaching out and talking about it is a start. It is a new day, you have a choice. You are not alone. The world is full of people suffering just like you. Only a handful really want to do something about it. Not everyone has the willingness to reach out for help. Hugs, Laurie

Daisy, no one here will bash you, ever. You're not alone in this. Re: The vitamins. You mentioned you had a job. I keep my vits on my desk right next to my phone, that way they're right in my face and I can't possibly forget to take them. At the very least make sure you're eatting properly and taking your supplements. Take time to love yourself, remind yourself how important you really truly are. Hugs, Linda

Hi Linda, I just got a new computer and wrote you a nice note, hit the wrong button and it dissappeared! Good to see your smiling face this am. Hope you are doing well. I was on a rollercoaster until I realized it was the woman thing again. This perimenapasal stuff sucks! oh well thats life. I planned a liesurely schedule today but my daughter needs me to go up to the college with her so plans have changed.No facial and deep hair conditioer for me today.LOL Thanks for the vitamin reminder, I always say later and forget! hugs, laurie

Hi I hope I'm not being intrusive by just posting here. I am a recovering addict/alcoholic and now WLS patient/ with significant food addictions. I also am a former smoker. I understand wanting to escape and numb pain. Honesty is the road to recovering; and it looks like you are on it. Keep being open and honest; find your Truth. The best advice I ever got in life is "find your Truth". By the way you just took the First Step of AA; admitted you were powerless over alcohol and you life had become unmanagable. I would strongly suggest !2 Steps; no one will shame you. I promise. We all have things we are ashamed of. I was very ashamed; still am; of my food addiction. I think that is why it has taken me so long to recover; my hardest most shameful addiction. Your children are very important; and you are important too! I will be praying for you. Amy

Daisy, How are you doing? I see you are from a small town too. Let us know you are ok. Amy Sue

Hi Amy, It must be freezing up there! I am originally from Chicago. Prefer Florida.I too am hoping Daisy will check back in here. Not too many people post but there are some heartfelt cries for help. Hope to see you around here soon. laurie

Laurie, Hi. We have had a pretty mild winter this year. I don't mind the cold; but the darkness gets me every year. I would have been back here sooner but my car was rammed by a dump truck last week; total loss. It was a very bad week last week; but things are going better now. I am four weeks post up today. Hope to see you around again too. amy sue

Hate to rub it in but it is sunny and 70 here. Sorry about the car. Four weeks thats great! It seems so long ago to me now I am 23 months post op. I had an uneventful recovery for which I am grateful.I am at the point I have to be aware or I stall and I am not ready to give up. Hang in there. laurie