I know better..but yet so hard

You know, I had this surgery to change my lifestyle, to become healthier and live a better happier life. I was doing so well. But then I relapsed and had a few beer. A few again the next day, and next..and a few turned into more beer..and i feel so bad and get so upset when i step on the scale and it didn't move..hmm..wonder why..Ya i know why..i/'m not doing things like i'm supposed to..I tell my self everyday..thats it..enough is enough..back on track no more booze..but what do i do..yup..get drunk again..I've never had a problem with dumping or vomiting of any sort and that scares the **** out of me..i want to be sick..i want to regret putting something in my mouth i shouldn't..i know in my head its wrong..and not helpiing me..but i'm finding it reall real hard to grasp some control over it..I hope i find the strength very soon today even to be more powerful the the alcohol. I don't want to be who i was before, i want to keep being a loser..now its time for me to kick myself in the ass.. Just wanted to share some thoughts.. Will 454/390/?

Hi Will, I had this surgery to change my life too. It was not brain surgery. My thinking was still the same. After surgery I found I was drinking and it hit me faster than ever. I could no longer eat myself out of a funk. Long story short is that a friend invited me to a NA meeting. I realized I had been addicted to my pain meds, alcohol , eating, shopping. Frankly anything! The people there told me it didn't matter what or how much I used only that I wanted a new way of life. Well, it works. I have not had anything for 18 months and I have a lot of peace. Personally a 12 step program helps me in all aspects of my life. Including weight loss and following the rules post op. I am NOT a saint. I could do a lot better in my routine. I would however be in much worse shape if I did not have this in my life. Just some food for thought. Sincerely, Laurie 316/180

Will, Just wanted to tell you one of the wonderful things about you is you are being totally honest with yourself. This is the first step to awarness and being able to change yourself versus denial. You hang in there I can hear your detemination in your email. You ARE going to succeed. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Linda Sue p.s Havn't had surgery yet, but hate the thought of giving up Budlight....but will have to.

thank you for your kind words and of course its nice to lknow i'm not alone. Will

I agree, Will. It IS good to be honest with yourself. We're lucky to have this totally anonymous forum. Sometimes even at AA I feel bad about admitting what's happening, especially since I see the people face to face and don't want to be a failure (we're a roomful of drunks, for goodness sake! Who am I kidding besides myself?). Gotta be the "perfect drunk" don't you know LOL! But I'll be damned if I'm going to be a good looking drunk, or worse, a good looking corpse! I have to admit my mistakes and attack them head on, pretty or not. I lost 210 pounds. I CAN do this, too! I refuse to have my life defined by alcohol. I hope never to slip again, but if I do, I hope I am as brave as you to come forward and reach out. Getting drunk sometimes happens. Staying drunk is another matter. We'll do the best we can. At least for today (don't you just gag on those sayings sometimes!?!) Vicki

LOL! We all want to gag on those statements at times but they save my ass too. Somedays I hear them popping into my head and I listen. I love my home group and NA as a whole. After all, I cannot see my ears, so I depend on my fellow addicts to tell me if my ears are falling off. I was a " functioning" addict for over 30 years. After surgery I had to come to grips with it or still die. Surgery made it impossible for me to eat, drink, or take medicine without bigger consequences quicker! Live is good, Laurie

I know where you are comming from. Before the surgery hubby and i would drink 2 40oz beers and a 12 pack!!! That was a common ritual. I too decided I needed something drastic to help me change my lifestyle. Hubby agreed to stop the drinking except for weekends. So far he has been good. I however, got curious last week and wanted to see if I could still drink or if I would dump. I drank-sipped slowly- 6 beers! I was bummed. I could not catch a buzz! So I tried again the next night. I gave up after 2 beers. Just not worth it! It bothers me to still see my hubby enjoy his beer. I guess I will have to come to terms with it soon enough. I made a decision to change not him. Hang in there. Just do things one day at a time. You are not alone!