verbal abuse

My husband of 8 years is angry all the time. He's constantly screaming and cussing at me and our 4 year old son. He never sticks with a job, he's constantly quiting his job when he gets tired of it and we have many financial problems because of it. 5 months ago, we seperated for a few weeks. He promised he would change, we would go to counseling, he would go to school for a job he really wants (computers), and he would try not to yell and cuss at me or our son anymore. Well, he has not changed in any of these. He quit his job after 4 months, for a job that makes less money. Supposedly, he took the job so he wouldn't have to drive as much because driving in traffic makes him upset. Now, the new job, 5 minutes from home, is making him upset because he has to think too much. So after only 4 weeks on the job, he's already called in sick 4 times because he's frustrated and doesn't want to be there. He says I'm being insensitive when I tell him that he needs to stick it out, that he really wants to start his own business. Starting a business needs money and I REFUSE to borrow money because I know I'll get stuck with it when this latest obsession wears off and he wants something new again. He wants to start a baby-items thrift store. My suggestion was to get a flea market booth on the weekends and give it a try before he quits his full-time job and we invest in a storefront. But he wants it to happen overnight; he's ready to quit his job now to do this. We just can't afford it on my income and he doesn't get it. As for the yelling and cussing, he never stopped. Actually, it's gotten worse. He thinks I'm shooting down his dreams. But the problem is that I have to worry about the bills and the budget and finances and responsibilities of being a parent. He's just whining because he's not getting what he wants. As for the counseling, we went twice and he's never gone back. As for school, I paid $1500 for a computer certification course 6-weeks. He took it and failed the test. He was only short from passing by 15 points. He can take the class again for free and we'll only have to pay to take the test again, but he won't do it. He's just given up. So see, I've tried to accomidate his wishes for school, business, etc., but he NEVER follows through. He's so angry all the time that I avoid him. The smallest things set him off. He calls me at least 5 times a day to scream at me about the traffic and keeps saying we need to move out of this town because of it. Been there and done that and ended up moving back because it didn't work. He's been the same in every place we've lived. It's not the traffic, it's his reaction to it. Most people fear of dying to cancer or natural causes....I fear that I will get a call someday that my husband is dead from road rage. And I'm affraid the longer our son and myself have to live with his anger, the more therapy we're going to need! Has anyone had problems with this? Any suggestions? He WON'T talk to his doctor about medicine and he won't see a therapist. What do I do?

Well that sounds like it could have been me 15 years ago. I want to say something positive but that is hard for me since I have been through it. IT DID NOT GET BETTER. I know it is so much easier to tell someone to leave and not look back. In hind site and older/wiser. I would get out. I know it is hard when you love them but I realized a long time ago that you can love someone or something that is not good for you. Think about it and decide. Would you be better off with out him? Financially and in all ways then base your decision on that. You are correct in being concerned about what your son sees and hears. He could grow up and think that it is ok to treat his wife like that. Are other members of your husband's family like this and do they know about the problem? Let me know. There is probably not a lot I can do but listen. I will try. Barbara

Hi Tracie, No one can ever tell you/convince you .. what to do. In a perfect world, where decisions were easy, I'd say, get out. If you cannot do it for yourself, focus on your son. Children learn what they are surrounded with. Your child is being surrounded with anger and mental abuse. Do you want him to continue the pattern? He will live what he's learned. Stop it for his sake. You will reap the benefits. Wendy

Hi Tracie, My two ex-brothers and I lived with verbal, physical, emotional and mental abuse right along with our mother. After 35 years she finally found the courage to leave and hasn't looked back since. I remember thinking I would never hurt my kids that way when I was 10 years old. One of my proudest accomplishments is that I kept my word ... I broke the chain. My ex-brothers are another story. They not only kept the chain going but made it worse. One of them sexually abused both of my nieces and the other sexually abused both our sons. Thus the "ex." The only reason I feel I was able to overcome it was the love my mother gave. She tried to intercede for us but he'd turn on her then take up where he left off with us and then some. She decided to leave it be and try to make up for it the best she could. She was afraid to leave him not knowing if she could raise the 3 of us on her own financially and otherwise, not to mention what he'd do when he found her and he would have. This was long before it was spoken of and before safe houses. They ALWAYS promise to change and they ALWAYS break that promise. It's a typical standard ... they all do it no matter what their form of abuse is. If I were to find myself in your situation, I'd leave and figure out a way to make it work ... for your sake as well as your son's. The final decision can only be made by you though. You can realize that it's not going to get better and start a new life or you can stay and deal with more of the same. You are in my prayers. I do hope you can find a solution whatever you decide to do and find it soon. {{{{HUGS}}}} Sandy

Tracy how are you doing? I feel so bad for you. I walked in your shoes for way to long and hate to think that there are many people out there that are going through it now. You always know that there is, but to hear from someone specifically is different, it puts a name and face on it. If you need to talk keep posting. I find the people on this site the very best. We have to stick together for a healthy future for our children and grandchildren. I say that because for the most part the men are NOT going to do it. If there is a change it is mostly up to us. Barbara

I'm responding to you personally and not on the forum because too many people on the boards know my husband (we've been to a lot of meetings and dinners together). I have been married for almost 35 years. Verbal abuse, in my case, did not get better - only worse. I wish I had left many years ago when my daughter was small. I stayed with the man because I had such low self-esteem that I thought I couldn't do any better. He treats me like s***, yells at me, calls me names, blames me for everything that goes wrong, etc. He also did this in front of our daughter and now in front of our granddaughter. Our daughter is grown and gone but I continue to stay with him. Why? For two reasons - money and his poor health. You are young and have a young child to consider. Please do something now and don't wait until it is too late like I did. Sad to say, but it won't get any better. Please try to get some counseling. It might make you see things more clearly. Kathy

just a quick reply....remember, YOU CAN NOT HEAL ANY ONE ELSE. What you can do is be a good parent and protect that precious child and remove him and you from a really ugly situation. You can't save your husband from whatever screwed him up...you can save your son. DO IT NOW...GET OUT.

I have been in all types of relationships all very abusive abuse comes in many different shades verbal, emotional, physical, mental, financial, sexual, etc it is very hard to leave and staying to make it work for the child or the sake of the relationship is harder! if a person that claims to love you hurts you is really love? you have to learn to love yourself before you can love someone else and abuse does usually start with a few bad words ans an occasional slap then it snowballs into full blown knock down fights you have a son an his father is what he will become unless you gain control of the situation at hand before it becomes out of control1 best of luck to you and all that you do in this life you only gt one chance so make the best of it

Hi there, I know that what you are going through is so hard. for me - it was heartwrenching to leave the abusive relationship becasue frankly - I loved him. I know people dont often talk about that but that was my reality. I loved him deeply and madly - AND he was horribly emotionally abusive. I started to research abuse my self and learned a lot. Like my most emotionally abusive relationships have a a primary a secondary abuser, the secondary is the one that is being abused and is only able to navigate there cir****tance by mathcing the abuser sometimes...i.e. he gets absurdly angry ans that makes your absurdly angry - to a level you dont know yourself at. I really saw my self in that one. 2. Abuse is progressive. Its a fact. It always gets worse. always. staying is not staying at the level of abuse your at, its staying to be further abused. And, your son is at the deelopmental parts of his life and being abused as well. You can always leave and let him sort stuff out. Chanced are he wont, bu that was how I was able to do it. I said, basically - hey : stop drinking, stop being irationally jealous, stop disappearing, hold down a job, dont ask me for money, stop isolating me from my family and friends, stop blaming me for doing anything I enjpy - ie he got angry when i played the guitar of read a book, stop making comments about my weight, start be involved in a life with positive activity, go to therapy and make a commitment to do that....adn I 'll take you back cause I do love you - but in the mean time, we're serparated. He tried but went back to his old ways. So many time I almot buckled and let him come hom - he would be sad and small and helpless adn crying ( or so it seemed he was a big construction worker) but - I never buckled adn Im glad I didnt. this was last october. I still miss him. I still love him. But I see now that there is no justification for being treated that way. Sometimes I dream that he'll change and we'll find eachother - but im not waiting for it. just my two cents. very best of luck to you. vee

I wish you the best. In my job I often work with children who come from abusive situations. I can honestly say that the majority of the children I work with would not have problems or the problems would not be as severe if they were not in dysfunctional homes. If it was just you living in this situation then I would say you should do what is best for you, but when you have children you should put them first and think about what is best for them. Children are like sponges they absorb what is around them. It may help you to write a list of pros and cons to help you come to a decision. I also want you to keep in mind that you can't change anyone, except yourself. Even if he agreed to see a therapist because you insist, it would not work unless he was fully commited to making a change. Abuse is a vicious cycle. Tell me if this sounds familiar 1) Tension builds 2) the abuser lashes out -verbally or physically 3) the honeymoon phase (I'll never do it again, I love you, gifts, etc.)? If you can't get out of this situation for some reason would it be possible to at least find a way to get your son out of it (maybe living with grandparents)? I know that sounds extreme, but I work with children every day who live in similar situations and it is so frustrating to see so many children lose their childhood.........I don't want to sound judgemental or preachy, but I hope that my message may help in some way. I think it's important that you come to a decision that you can live with.....