I have been a lurker for about a week now,I was so excited to find you

I have always been fat. In my head I have always been fat. As near as I can figure I was molested at the age of 4. This was confirmed to me about 4 years ago. I had always said that "if" anything had ever happened to me "this is when it was". Someone from my past called out of the blue (40 years out of my past) and she to had been molested by the same man. I told her I knew what I was wearing, what he smelled like and where it happened. However I have delt with weight all of my life. Some people say "when they had children, not me, always". I remember telling my Mother that I was hungry and she said that I could not possibly be hungry. I have been hungry ever since. I have lost large amount of weight several times but it was always a struggle. A battle between me and my body. I have lost as much as 100lbs all to gain it back is a short period of time. I had a gastric bypass in 1982. I lost and looked good for a while but eventually put it all back on. Soooooooooo I have been afraid to even think about it again. Then I found the web site and started reading about everything. I have seen the Dr. and found that my surgery needs to be done all over again. I am 55 years old and so badly don't want to blow it this time. I am going to have the surgery even if I have to be self pay. I am waiting for word from my insurance company. What I want to know is what groups might there be in my area for abuse victims, with eating disorders? I think that is where I probably belong. I will always look at the web site. I was so excited to find this. To tell you more about my life later I was even abused by my ex-Father-in-law and believe that one of my children may be his. I have been in therapy for years. I was so on overload. I am finally in a safe and happy place but will never be happy with the size that I am now. Size 20 dress is not for me. I don't want to do anything but come home and put on my MooMoo and eat Ice Cream. I am getting ready for surgery but can't really see myself giving up food. Please help Vancouver WA

Well It sounds like you know the root of your weight problem but you have to fix the problem first then the rest. My thereapist told me that as children who have been abused we will self medicate in a way by eating. When adults are abused they will do drugs or drink to forget the pain and drugs and alcohol will release endorfines that make us feel happy but as a child we can not do that. So the only thing in our life we have control over is food which also lets off those same endorfines that make us feel happy. So we eat and eat and eat and eat and eat. It makes us feel happy for a while but just like the drinking and drugs eventually it destroys our lives. You need to be in a good support group and counseling would be good to. I wish you the best and from someone who understands dont ever give up if you do they win. Find a good church home where you feel safe and let God start healing the pain then when your surgery happens this time maybe you will be strong and well enough to not self medicate and take control over that part of your life. Good Luck sister. My email is [email protected] if you ever want to chat. Mandy

Hi Barbara, I used the same word you did when I discovered this messageboard ... excited. Everyone else I have come across on other boards have been just wonderful but those that haven't experienced abuse can't even come close to knowing what it feels like. I agree with Mandy. A good therapist combined with surrounding yourself with God's love and His Angels for protection is the only way I have been able to get to this point in my life. God sent me a great husband that has supported me for almost 38 years but some things we need the help of higher powers than can be found on this earth, too. It's taken me a long time to get rid of my old life and on the path to a new one. Now that I'm on my way, I know it's going to be much quicker to find the rest of my new life than losing the old one. As everyone has heard hundreds of times in their lives (if not more), if I can do it anyone can. Just like alcoholics and drug users, half the battle to recovery is admitting there is a problem. You have done that and with the desire you show (what you call fear) to overcome the problem, you're halfway there. You WILL succeed this time around so don't let ANYONE (including and especially you) tell you otherwise. You're a survivor and that makes you special. Good luck on your journey and may God make the road smooth for you. {{{{HUGS}}}} Sandy

Sandy and Mandy thank you so much for your kind words. I have read both of your profiles and know that I am in good care and good company. I have always looked for a group for abuse vitums on line but never thought that it would come in the form a weight issues. I enjoy reading the other postings. I found the one about being promiscious (sp?) after we have our new body of special interst. I think it is very possible that we feel more comfortable with weight so that we don't have to deal with the other attention. I hope I handle it better this time around. Right now I am in a very good place and with someone *****ally really loves me and takes care of me. I have been completely honest with him about all other relationships. I am going to call my Dr. office in the morning before work and talk to the insurance lady. I know that she was sending my papers to the insurance last week. I want to know how they are to work with and how long it will be before I hear an answer. I would kind of like to plan my summer. Soon I will try and get a picture on here and write a profile too. I work for a tax accountant right now is a very busy time. Barbara

Hi Barbara, I have been with the same therapist for over 3 years now and she is a true believer in abuse being connected to not only emotional but physical issues as well. I have found out that we are our own worst enemies in so many ways. Due to the abuse we've had to endure, we have little or no self esteem or pride. We have to overcome those demons that keep us in the ruts and valleys. It's not an easy task but it can be done with the help of God, a good therapist, friends, support like what is found here and a special someone in our lives to be by our side. A relationship based on honesty is the best kind to have. You have that covered. What you need to do is find faith in yourself and the rest will come naturally. Yes, we will feel more comfortable with our new bodies but the way I see it, that is only going to make life better for me with the man I love. It will be an ego feeder to be flirted with but we don't have to allow it to go any further than that unless we want it to. Best of luck to you in your journey and enjoy your new life. {{{{HUGS}}}} Sandy

It is 6:30 Am here in WA state and to early to call the Dr. office but I will let you all know what I find out. I keep going to my old closet and looking at my old stuff in there. Can't wait till I can wear them all again. Barbara

Hi Barbara Just wanted to let you know that I am here listening as well.... I haven't been here in this forum for a long while, but can definately relate to so so much of all that's spoken of here.... Safe hugs if you like them, Caroline -225 lbs @ goal