HE is still with me

Hi All, This is my first time on this forum. The others I have visited are wonderful and I doubt this one will be any different. Here's my story ... hopefully in a nutshell. (I tend to ramble a lot) I was raised by an abusive father. Not sexual (as far as I know and doubt very seriously.) He was a purist that felt sex was for nothing more than conceiving. (Go forth and multiply) He physically and mentally abused me well into my adult life. Well, mentally ... my husband wouldn't have put up with the physical and probably would have killed him if he had. I remember coming home from a date to, "How long did it take him to get in your pants?" followed by a kick IN the butt ... literally ... with his shoes on. (I'm amazed to this day that my bowels can function.) There are so many other "quotes" that I won't take the time to say them but I'm sure you can relate. When I was 13, a friend was having a Halloween party ... boys and girls and she asked the girls to invite a boy so we weren't all girls on one side of the room and the boys on another. I asked a boy that had always been nice to me ... not a boyfriend ... I had few of those because I was overweight and it was the cheer leader types the guys were interested in. Anyway, one night before the party, LH (Little Hitler, as we have dubbed him) decided I couldn't go and made me call my girlfriend to tell her. He listened in on another phone and heard about the boy-girl thing. (She asked what I would say to Steve.) Well, he came unhinged and before the night was over, he all but had me committed to the state girls' reformatory. To this day I don't know what he wanted me to admit to ... there was nothing. When that didn't get anything out of me, he took me home, made my mother pack his clothes and he left. He called shortly after that to ask if I was happy that I had broken up our family. That left me nothing less than hysterical and I screamed, "Okay, Steve and I are married. Is that what he wants to hear?) I never could seem to get his approval, no matter how hard I tried. (An A on a report card should have been an A+) Unfortunately, I carried that into my adult life where I tried to get everyone's approval ... especially my children. At least I have changed that t I would lie their approval but no longer "need" it. By the way, not one of our 4 kids have ever given me reason to not feel I had it but I was sure they never leveled with me. I was always afraid they had grown up not knowing how they felt about me like I did LH. I've never had pride or self esteem. He nipped those in the bud before I ever had a chance. I am now 55 and after many years of therapy have gotten rid of so many things he dumped on me. He died a few years ago and I found myself not knowing if I was happy about it or not. If I was, I should be ashamed. If not, that's the way it should be. After all, he was my father. I now live in CT (Husband's home state) and he was in Wyoming (mine). I never went to see him while he was sick. I didn't feel I owed him anything. I didn't go to his funeral, in spite of my feeling "obligated" that I should. (Another one of his favorite things. I was obligated to him and I owed him respect ... he didn't have to earn it.) The one thing I have fought and not been able to make a real dent in is the purist thing. Sex is not for pleasure and that's that. I've gotten past the thoughts of purist but not the actions. I have a wonderful marriage of almost 38 years but I've never been able to enjoy all what it has to offer. My husband just recently admitted that my weight has been a problem. In kindness, he never said it because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. Enter again that need for approval. I was so sure I was doing something wrong. If we had problems, it HAD to be my fault. Anything wrong in my life (or anyone else's for that matter) always was so why not this? In spite of all I have dealt with, I have been able to develop and keep a positive attitude for the most part. Thanks mostly to my husband who has been by my side through thick and thin. To the present ... I have considered WLS for over 2 years and finally decided I am going to go for it. I attended the info seminar, had my 1st appt and will see the psych on Wednesday. (That doesn't concern me ... I am so ready for this in every way.) Not much so far but a start. The one thing that's tormentng me is will I have that sex drive that I want so bad when the weight comes off and be able to receive that beautiful gift that God gave all of us when He created Eve for Adam? Thank you for reading this and all my rambling. (I warned you! tee hee) I welcome any responses that I can use to prepare myself emotionally. I know there will be many changes in my future ... physically and emotionally. Since I've been heavy for as long as I can remember, it's uncharted territory for me, I could use all the help I can get. {{{{HUGS}}}} Sandy

Wow, quite a life you have had! I am wondering how you mother felt when he packed up and left. Nevertehless, you sound like you are ready to start the weight loss surgery journey. I have to tell you, though, that not one of us can tell the future, and no one can tell whether you will be able to shed the burdens of your early years and fully enjoy sex. I can tell you it does get better, just because of the weight loss, but no one can tell you whether it will be more fulfilling. As you lose weight, your self esteem will likely improve, and you may begin to see yourself as the sexy woman you have always been inside! Once that happens, you may indeed find out how wonderful it can be. Sue

Hi Sue, Ooops... I didn't finish that story. My mother didn't have time to think about how she felt ... he came back home that night. He wasn't done making our lives miserable, I guess. She did leave him several years later but, as abusers do, he convinced her that he would change. Needless to say, he didn't and the next time she left, rather than her come to stay with us, she went to a safe house where he couldn't get to her. It took several years for him to finally get the idea that she wasn't giving into him again. He even thought he was calling her bluff by filing for divorce. She didn't and he got what he asked for and she celebrated the day she got the final papers. Twenty two years ago she left town to live with her parents in Missouri. A month later my husband and I took the kids and we moved to CT. It didn't stop him from interfering in my life but my finally having a breakdown did. As strange as it sounds, it's probably the best thing that could have happened to me. I was forced to rebuild myself with at least some of my own values. His influence haunted me, as well as he did in spite of my getting up the courage to write to him and force him to face what he had done to me. Of course, he would never admit it ... it wasn't his fault ... never was. As I said, he died a few years ago but he lived on in my head and continued to control my life until I found a therapist 3 years ago that accomplished what no other had been able to ... help me get rid of my ghosts one by one. All but the one I live with now. In time, I will also get rid of that one. I won't let him have even an ounce of control over me any more. The surgery is going to do so many things for me including allow me to find that pride and self esteem I've never had. Well, I've had them somewhere deep inside but they never had a chance to come out. I've won many battles over him and I won't let him win the war with this one. I guess it's obvious that I've done a lot of thinking and soul searching since I wrote that letter early this morning. God and the man He sent to rescue me have gotten me this far and I'll be damned if I'm going to let anything keep me from the rest of my way back to living a total life, including everything I want and feel I deserve. My husband has a saying ... "What Sandy wants, Sandy gets." I'm spoiled rotten and love it. I, too, will someday have this. I can finally say I like myself and am hoping that once I get this procedure going and the results that one day, I may even be able to say I love myself. Thank you for reading and responding to my post, not to mention your support and kind words. {{{{HUGS}}}} Sandy PS Sorry about the rambling but I've got 55 years' worth of story to tell.

Hi, Wow you had a very hard childhood. I have been sexually abused and raped but never the mental abuse or physical you went through. I am glad your hear and I am sure that when your feel better about yourself your sexuality will blossom as well. Good Luck girl.

Thank you Mandy, Yes, it was rough but I have always felt that anyone sexually abused had it so much worse and I'm grateful that I didn't have to deal with that. Having never experienced it, I can't imagine the hell it must be for those like you that have. I have been able to fight what he left me with and am ready for the next step in rebuilding my life. I do so hope you have been able to do the same with yours. {{{{HUGS}}}} Sandy

God has healed my wombs and I am a new creature but the scars will always be there. I feel the same about physical abuse as you do sexual. I think it would be much harder to go through what you did then what I did. Well good luck to you on your journey. Mandy

You're right ... the scars will remain forever. I have often wondered why people have to go through things as we have and I have come to a conclusion that it's so we can relate to and help others that have and are dealing with it. I can't believe God allows things to happen that can't be put to good use. I'm glad to hear you are on the right path ... the straight and smoother one. Thank you for your well wishes. I have no concerns about any of it ... I have put it in God's hands and His will be done. {{{{HUGS}}}} Sandy

Your right God has used my pain and experince to help others. I lead a support group at my church called celebrate recovery for addicts and survivers of abuse anyone really who has ever had a hurt habbit or hangup. Well I am glad God is using us my past has made me a better and more understanding person that is for sure. When is your surgery?

Mandy, I have had many people come to me and open up. I hope I have helped them at least at one level or another. I don't have a surgery date yet but am told that it should be within the month. I have an appt for the 28th with the Nut. Other than that I need the Endoscopy, to see my surgeon to discuss if I'll be able to have the Lap RNY (I have a scar from having my gall bladder out so I may have to go with open but I really wouldn't mind it), a pre-op with the Psych and Nut, the pre-op testing and of course, the ever famous approval, which there is no reason why that shouldn't happen. I asked God to pave the way if this is right for me and the right time. So far, it's been smooth sailing. The biggest concern has also been covered by Him. My mother lives with us and I wasn't sure what to do about her care while I'm in the hospital and my ability to care for her after. (She has Epilepsy and Alzheimer's) She had a seizure episode last Thursday that ended up in the ER and her being admitted. It looks like she is going to need to go to a short term facility rehab facility. If this had to happen to her, it's more than a coincidence that it happen right now. I won't be surprised to get a call that there is a cancellation with the Nut and would I like to come in before the 28th just as I got the call for my 1st appt with the surgeon's APRN/wife. (4 days after the info seminar) God DOES answer prayers in ways we sometimes least expect. He has been answering mine for as long as I can remember and I know He will never abandon me. {{{{HUGS}}}} Sandy

Wow Sandy you seem like such a beautiful and caring person I am so excieted for you. I am sure your appointment with the nut will go fine. My aunt just had hers and it was no prob at all. I cant wait to welcome you to the loosing side. I know God has His hand on you again I am soooooo excited for you. Mandy