is it this is what made me this way?

okay so this is very personal at the age of ten i was raped by a guy i fancied i was overweigh at 140lbs and blamed the fact that i was raped on being overweight because how could he of ever loved me i know this was just a silly kiddie crush and i know he should of never done it to me but i let him go so far and when i said no he wouldnt he pushed me down and carried on afterward being a child i wrote him a letter saying how could u love me wen im fat and ugly so on and so on thats the only reason anyone ever found out about it happening he managed to get away with it because i had a crush on him. long story short since then i slept around took drugs and tried many suicide attempts also i have eaten none stop i just gave up now im 21 and married to a great guy but still feel like his only with me because he thinks i cant get anyone else being fat etc i know he isnt but cant stop feeling this way he is so supportive and all i do is start arguments with him for no reason i was his 1st and i am affraid thats his missed out on life and that his with me because no one else was as easy do u know what i mean/. he does reassure me very day but ..... its hard living every day knowing what iv done wuith my life is my own fault i must admit the only reason im living now is becasue chris stops me doing anythign about it in the poast i even put up with bf.s raping and beatogn me i pray wen i lose the weight i mite get a little self esteem bk ty input would b appreciated need to see this from an outside point of view

Hi Rachel, I doubt any man would be with you if he didn't want to be but you have to allow yourself to be loved by him. Sometime when we have been through a lot as children ( I speak from experince I have been raped as well ) we tend to feel that we deserved that treatment. 90% of obease women have been physically or sexually abused as children and we tend to feed ourselves to kill the pain. I know that sometimes we feel so much self loathing we dont understand how someone else could love us. The truth is we do not love our self and can not ever except someone elses love. You have to learn to accept yourself and love yourself then you can find happines with your husband. Find a good church and plug yourself into the word of God it will help I promise. My email is [email protected] if you ever want to chat. My name is Mandy. I hope you have a great week and keep your chin up. It does get better I promise.

I am being completely serious when I say you may need therapy and perhaps see a psychiatrist. I know the feelings all too well of having low self esteem and feeling worthless. In addition to being molested as a child, I have bipolar disorder. For me it wasnt until I brought everything into the open, confronted those who had wronged me, that I received something I never thought I would EVER have, and that was peace. It was no longer a secret, and I finally realized that I was a victim then who could not defend herself. I have realized through therapy that what I do NOW, is my choice. I can choose to wallow up in self-pity for the rest of my life, or decide that I don't need to pay for the mistakes that someone else did for the rest of my life. Sexual abuse is about taking someones power from them. It doesn't matter how someone is in physical appearance, it is whether the abuser can overpower them. At ten, in all reality the perpetraitor was not looking for a relationship, but rather to overpower a CHILD. And at ten, that is exactly what you are. Please get help, I know it is hard, trust me, I spent 20 years of my life thinking how I could have changed things, when in all reality, I couldn't. NOW, I am in charge of my future, and have had to let that pain go. That pain now lies in the person who exploited me, and the people who allowed it to happen. It no longer lies with me.