5 year old sexual abuse

I just found out that my five year old daughter was molested by my brother-in-law. I am furious and confused. I feel guilty for not seeing the possibilities. How can anyone find a five year old sexual? Where do I go from here? This has been confirmed during an interviewer and reported to the police. This is tearing our family apart, and my husband feels torn. I just want to protect my child and get the proper help. My husband says she is 5 and will not remember anything. I on the other hand I am not sure and would rather prevent instead of sweeping it under the nearest rug. what do you all think? Please help me!!

Your husband is so wrong. She needs help. It won't just go away. This will effect her for the rest of her life. Please take it from someone who knows. I am angry at your husband. His Allegience should be to his little daughter. I will be here to support you however I can. Please get her the help she needs. The sooner the better. Lisa

Hi Kristi, first of all just breathe and relax you can not help your daughter while you are angry. I am a survivor of sexual abuse. My grandfather molested me starting at a very young age and stoped when I was 8 and told my dad. My dad also choose to believe my grandfather who said I misunderstood what he meant. I kept is burried inside until I was about 15 and it exploded with my behavior. I would love to share my story with you if you are interested, but I just want you to understand that anger will not help. You and your husband need to be a team right now. He is wrong but he is just tyring to process this in his own way and it is hard for him to believe his brother could do that. Be patient with him but do not let his ignorance effect your daughter. She needs help. They say that 90% of obease women have been sexually abused I am not sure how accurate it is but in my case my family is all small but me. I feed my fear and anger and hurt until I was huge and couldnt go on. There is so much I could say right now but I guess the most important is to put her in counseling of some sort and talk to her about it do not sweep it under the rug. She will remember what happened I rememebr everything that happened to me. It may not even come to her until she is 18 but when it does if she thinks yall didn't do anything it will be so hurtfull and trust me it will make things a million times worse. My email is [email protected] if you want to chat. Remember this happened to your daughter even though it feels like it is happening to you so just be calm and support her. The first priority is not making this pay it is making your daughter feel safe and get her help to process the feeling and fear that she probably has pushed down and doesn't know how to deal with. Your brother n law can be dealt with in time. Good luck and I am here if you need me. Mandy

It sounds like you are the only one in this situation who is willing to take responsibility for what has happened. I can tell you personally that this is not something she will forget, and this is coming from a rape and molestation victim in which started at age 3. It is confusing at her age, and will take a toll in how she may relate with other children and other MEN. You are right, what kind of MAN finds a CHILD sexual, a very deeply disturbed one in my opinion and in the opinion of the law of the United States. There is a reason this sort of crime is a felony, because it leaves deep marks with the victim and perpetrator. I will tell you personally, that as a mother, my loyalty and unconditional love, lies with my children. I know in my situation, my mother, 20 years later tried to "sweep everything under the rug", because "you can't change what has happened". I will tell you that is bull, and it wasn't until I confronted and made EVERYONE (family) around me aware of what transpired that I personally found peace. I have the peace now of knowing that my neices and nephews won't be exposed to my father. When it was found out, it was not the rage and angui****hought would happen, but a true empathy from my family and also a thankfullness that they would know not to expose their children to a pedophile. It was only my mother who had thought it would look bad on HER that I was molested by a step-father. It angered my brothers and sisters not that I had put everything out in the open, but that my mother for her own selfish reasons was trying to cover it up. When she came to terms with what happened, and when I told her I had no hate for her, did she also heal from the guilt. Sweeping things under the rug will only result in this possibly happening again, and perhaps next time to someone else your husband loves. These people don't stop. Look at the statistics. There is NO NO NO sweeping when it comes to this most heinous crime. I am sorry if I am becoming animated, but I know the true pain that this crime causes, and the unforseen after-effects. BUT, by finally letting this out, not only did I heal myself, but also possibly saved my neices and nephews from being victims of a crime that will change their souls. Yes, their souls. If I could save even one child from this heinous crime by a pedophile, I would do whatever it takes to make sure that person is dealt with by the law. Sexual molestation of a child, especially a child so young as five years old, is a horrible crime. Her soul, her self-being, her own sexuality has been torn to shreds. If you as her mother are not there for her, then will you ever be? Please, stop feeling guilty, and start taking responsibility for what happened. You can't change that it happened, but you can change something my protecting your daughter from her uncle, and prosecuting him to the fullest extent of the law so he can't, at least for a while, hurt another child and especially and most importantly your child. I know I would feel even more guilty if I swept it under the rug and then it happened (which chances are it will, it is NOT normal to find children sexual), this is why these people are put in jail. Because it is a CRIME and these people often times cannot be helped but just taken out of society. Take your child to therapy, because by not doing so, you are sending her the message that you don't care what heppened to her, and she will never be able to understand what happened to her. I am sorry for being so blunt, but when she plays with another child, how is she going to know it is not okay to touch a private area, or to have someone touch her private area. To tell her just not to do it is sending her the message that SHE did something wrong, and that is certainly not the case. As far as your husband. My personal feelings are that when someone has a child, your unconditional love is with that child. In a marriage there will always be conditions which pertain to faithfullness, fidelity, abuse, etc. With your child that you brought into the world, you are solely responsible for protecting that child. Just because your husband feels "torn" doesn't mean you have to. You are the mother of a child who was sexually molested. And molested is a polite word for someone who SEXUALLY touched your daughter and was SEXUALLY touched by your daughter for his own perverse desires. How is she supposed to go forward not knowing this is something she can't do with other children or other MEN. She doesn't have the capacity to distinguish that. And to say she will forget is wishfull thinking. You asked for opinions, well I will give you mine. In this life you are blessed with children, I think they are a true gift. Something very awfull has happened to your daughter that has nothing to do with you or your husband for that matter. Something awfull happened to your daugthter. Think about her, because I can imagine you want to be a part of her life as long as you live. Take responsibility as a mother, and get her help, trust me as a victim myself and as a person who has worked with other victims of pedophiles, she will need it. In my opinion, if my husband told me to "sweep it under the rug", I would sweep him under the rug as well. It sounds like he doesn't want to "upset the family". Well when it comes to a sexual crime, it will upset them even more when this happens again, and I am sure even more when they find out that you and your husband knew. Anway, final opinion, take care of your daughter, who has been through hell, yes hell, and if your husband is upset that you are caring for your daughter by getting her help, then he will need to deal with those feeling on his own, as he is an adult. She is a CHILD, don't take that away from her because you your husband thinks this is something she can let go. It is hard enough as a grown woman to deal with a sexual crime, but a child can ONLY depend on her parents to get her that help.

Hi Kristi, Speaking from personal experience (I was sexually abused by my maternal grandfather from ages 3 to 11), one DOES remember.... What hurts the most for me is not the abuse itself but the fact that no one seemed to do anything to protect me. Being there for your daughter is the best gift you can give her.... Safe hugs, Caroline

HI Kristi, My heart goes out to you in every way it can. I was molested by group of teenage boys when I was 7 and I remember very much. It came back to me in a flash when I was about 19 and I realized I had always known. It has very much affected my life, my weight, my sexual development, and relationships with men. But I am doing a lot better now. What I want to tell you is that I have a dear friend who was molested by an older cousin when he was 5. His father walked in on the situation so there was no doubt cast as to whethor or not the claim was true etc. There was a court battle, the family was torn apart, the whole nine yards. but friend received extensive therapy and support from his mom and dad - and in our discussions it is clear to me that it has made a huge positive impact on his life. we are both the same age more or less 25 an 26 but - I see that he has it so much more under control than I. he still has a therapist, I still havent had any therapy. I am working on it though! my mom has agreed to pay for it. Anyway, I was so overjoyed to read your follow up posts, and see that you are taking care of business. Just wanted to say that what YOU are going through is very very traumatic as well. This whole battle, and having to see your child hurt. the best way to be a the best mom for her is to also get some therapy for you so that you can be super empowered and in charge. I know for me a I felt a huge sense of guilt that I had hurt my mother by telling her. also she was mad that it had happened while in my grandmas care - mad at my grandma and that made me feel guilty as well...It is so very important that she is ultimately able to learn that its not her fault. NOT HER FAULT. remember she probably cant intellectualize all of what she is feeling to you - or to her self for that matter. its something she will work on for a long long time. But she can become a strong empowered survivor and have the tool to protect herself from here on in.....I wish I had had that. gets better everyday. with love and very much caring for you two, Vee

You are doing the right thing by getting her therapy. And don't stop it! I didn't have therapy and remember everything. it robbed the little girl from me. I turned to promiscous sex as a teen (for me to make the decision about having sex, not anyone else). Drugs and alcohol and food were used to try to protect me. Luckily i survived the sex, drugs and alcohol and just have food to fend off. I've known another who turned to stripping and prostitution (alot were sexually abused). I knew one woman who stole things because deep down she felt robbed and that she deserved something. i cant have an intimate relationship (emotional) with a man. I attract men who abuse me one way or another (first husband was a physical and emotional abuser and was sexually aroused when i told him of abuse; 2nd husband is a serial cheater) I avoid the mirror (invisible complex). My emotional well being was stunted. My self esteem is low and self worth not there. There are numerous other side effects. I often wonder what kind of person had i been if i had not been sexually abused or if i received treatment early in life. I often thought if i hide it on a shelf that it didn't happen and i am successful, but i learned that i have to take it down off the shelf and deal with it because it effects my every being. I have had some therapy but currently do not have insurance. You and your daughter are in my prayers and I will pray for the little girl in her to survive and thrive! You are a blessing to her, hold her and don't let go! Start preparing yourself that your brotherinlaw doesn't receive much prison time if any. the laws in this country are horrendous!!

I work every day with children who have mental health issues, trust me children who are molested do not forget! Keep her away from those who are not supportive because they may try to intimidate her into recanting if they want to get your brother-in-law out of trouble. Continue to stand up for your daughter NO MATTER WHAT because she will always remember that you did. One of my saddest cases was a child that was molested by her father and the mother was in denial and wouldn't believe her. I truly feel that her mother not believing her had a more detrimental impact on her than the actual abuse. I applaud you for being a good parent and supporting your daughter!!

Hey there, I am sooo sorry for what you are going through. I was molested when I was five and remember it like it was yesterday. I started to develop different issues that my parents didn't understand. They didn't get me any help - oh how I wish! It almost ruined my life. I didn't get help with until I was in my twenties and could do it on my own. The best thing I've ever did. But the point is, if I would have gotten help and love sooner it would have saved me a life time of overeating and not taking care of my self - you become a victim- which is a hard way to live. Kids are pre-verbal at that age. meaning they can't really express what going on inside, so you may start to see some other aggressive action turned inwards - like I started pulling my hair out and picking at my skin. They have a lot of pain at that age and need help getting it out. It's one of the reasons Im overweight.. I took it out on myself and hurt myself by eating too much, needing comfort. So you getting her help now is going to save her from a lot of issues later on in life and thats what shows love. I used to get angry at my parents for not protecting me... they just didn't know that my uncle was a sicko. In the end he took his life because he was nuts. So I kinda know what you are going through, and u are doing the right thing, you can never do too much. Much love to you!

Nothing is more important than your child.So if he feels torn let his ass go !