Desperately worried about a friend!!!!

Hello everyone- I talked to a friend of mine today and she has been abused by her husband. And she loves him too much to leave him. He always appologizes after he hurts her, but he keeps doing it. Its not every day or every week or every month but its enough to where she is scared of him when he is mad. He was abused as a child, which he told my friend, and he also told her that he'd never be like his parents. Well she says he is. I'm scared he may go too far and kill her. She won't leave him bc she loves him. I don't know what to tell her, and she won't report it to the police. She has been letting this go on for 2 years. Since they got married basically she said everything changed. I'm worried I will be going to her funeral. She is the same age as me 21 and he is older than her not sure how much like a yr or 2 maybe 3. Today he grabbed the cell phone outta her hand which hurt her hand badly. Then he punched her arm almost making her fall. Then as she was walking away he threw his cell phone at her back 2 times! Hit her dead on! Then he tried to hit her w/a ladder. After that he told her that all his stuff she can't use. So basically she has nothing. Then eventually after he cools down he says he is sorry. For once she finally said sorry isn't good enough. Yet she won't leave him! Its love. Maybe she is afraid if she does she will be dead. The bad thing is that she won't report it and trusts me enough not to report it! I hate she puts me in the situtation I'd report it. What can she do? He won't go to counseling and says you make me this mad you make me do it! I cried w/her today bc of what she went thro. Please help me. Thanks alot, my friend would kill me if she knew I wrote it on here, but I need help so I can help her! April P.S. Please help me help my friend and PLEASE don't assume its me. I hate when ppl do that. They did it last time when I wrote that I needed help for a friend.

April, I'm not sure how you can help your friend. She has to WANT to leave. Being in an abusive relationship is like being on an emotional rollercoaster. You love the person so much, and then the abuse happens and you think "this time is it, I'm not staying anymore" and then you think about all the good things and how much you care and then you get the apology and again, you realize how much you love him/her... It's a difficult place to be in. She needs to make that decision - All YOU can do is be there for her and advise her the best you can. And that would be that she is worth more than this. She deserves to be with someone who won't treat her this way. Does your friend have low self esteem?? It may not be very noticeable, but it's probably there. Be there for her.. be a friend but make sure she knows that you feel she's in a dangerous situation and should get out of it. Good luck with your friend. Danielle

April, The prior post asked if she had low self-esteem - well the answer is YES - nobody stays in that type of situation if they don't. Try and see if she can go to a counselor - on her own if her husband doesn't want to - to work on her own issues. Of course, love is one reason why she is staying but it isn't the only reason. She is scared and very dependant on him, most likely she believes no body will love her the way he does and you and I both know that she deserves better and she CAN find someone who will treat her like gold. Like the prior post mentioned, you won't be able to change her situation, ONLY she can. That type of abuse is like an addiction. Her husband is her addiction and the beatings are the hang over. His apologizing and such is the high she gets from the addiction. To break any addiction, the first step is that the person addicted needs to admit to it and then ASK for help. Just be her friend and help her when she asks for it and encourage counseling for her mental issues. If you happen to witness something and don't mind getting harrassed by her husband, call the police - but only if you witnessed it firsthand - not the aftermath. When she comes to you, take pictures of her bruises and marks and document which hospitals she goes to (and which names she uses if she uses an alias) and what her problem was when she went to the hospital. Someday, when she decides to fight back - this is great documentation for a day in court. Good Luck, Kelly

Maybe she feels like she has nowhere to run to. As her friend, offer her your place if you can, take her in. The relationship she is in is NOT LOVE because LOVE does not cause PAIN and HUMILIATION. If it were me, as much as I love my friend, I would report it to the police and tell her parents. Yes, she would be angry with me, but it is to save her life and eventually she would realize that. You didn't say in your post, but I truly hope there are no children involved. Being a witness to this type of behavior is replicating the cycle of abuse already in motion. The abuse will become more aggressive, first the throwing things and the smacks....then come the punches and the kicks. Please help your friend by not keeping quiet.

April, I am a domestic violence social worker in Alabama and I just found this forum and read your post. I disagree with an earlier post that suggested you take her in if you can. Many innocent people are injured and killed trying to help an abused friend. If he gets desperate enough to kill her, don't think he won't kill you, too. If she needs to leave and needs a safe place to stay, she needs to choose somewhere he can't find. If she doesn't have somewhere to hide, she can call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) which is the national domestic violence hotline. All calls are confidential and they can refer her to a local program that will have a safe house. Please understand, it sometimes takes an abused woman a long time to decide to leave. It is one of the hardest decisions she will ever have to make. He's not always violent and they probably have some good times. She wants to believe him when he says he's sorry and it won't happen again. She wants to believe that it is her fault he beats her, because if it is, she can make it stop. The best thing for you to do is be her friend, listen to her, don't judge her, keep reminding her it isn't her fault, nothing she does means she deserves this, she deserves to be happy and safe. When she does decide to leave, know that it will be hard for her, and she might go back. Love her, but don't put yourself in danger to save her. You may email me at [email protected] at anytime if you need to talk. Your friend may also. I am bound by confidentiality laws, I can't report anything, but I can at least give you or her (or both) suggestions on how to cope and how to get help. You are obviously a good friend. Reporting this against her will may put her in more danger. Let her make the decision. She will, eventually. And remember, more women are seriously injured and/or killed trying to leave than trying to stay. Hope to hear from you soon. Susan

Susan is 100% right on I had to go to therapy a long time to understand I was not at fault when I was in an abusive relationship...my prayers are with your friend((((huggs))))

I am sorry to say it is really her choice to stay or leave. I can only say she has a long hard road ahead which will only get harder with time. I hope she is smart enough to start stuffing in an account or at a friends now because one day he is not going to be so sorry quite so fast of for quite as long and she may just need it. I hope she is going to school or working so she can become a little more independant. If she isn't you might want to encourage her in that area. This will make it easier to support herself and any children she may have as a result of this relationship. A lot of times even when a woman finally decides to leave she can' t because she has no way to finacially support herself. She is going to need a friend and I hope you will always be there for her. Suesan

I agree with Susan.

When crazy husbands like that decide to get back at someone - it won't just be the wife - he will take out on her friends/family as well.

The next time she says she loves him and that's why she stays ... you should tell her the truth. 'This relationship doesn't have anything to do with love. You are staying with him because you feel too bad about youself to get away from him. Love doesn't hurt ... ever'.

Now ... that's the truth.

Umm ... too bad you can't manuver a way of getting rid of him ... for good. :) I know .. that's sound mean ... but it's probably the only way she'll ever be rid of him.

Watch your BACK!