New

Hello everyone I'm new to this board. I've been going through a lot latley and am very frustrated in more ways than one. People in my family say I was abused as a child sexualy, mentaly and physicaly. I do think that there was some physical abuse but I can't remember anything relating to the mental or sexual. I actually don't remember much about my childhood. I'm amazed at those who can remember so many things about their youth. Right now I'm in a marriage that I think is doomed to fail. Although I feel sad it will fail, I think I've resigned myself to it. We got married almost 11 years ago. Before our marriage he had experienced several gay experiences. I chalked it up to experimenting and wasn't worried about getting married. On our honeymoon he informed me that he hated kissing except for a quick peck. We didn't have sex until the 2nd night. It was a horrible experience. Over the first year he kept pushing getting pregnant but wouldn't have sex with me at the appropriate times. He also informed me I was fat and he hated that. He hated the smell of sex and would rush to the shower the second it was over. He also told me I was ugly and kept trying to give me "suggestions" on how to improve my looks. By the time the 2nd year hit we seldom had sex. We had sex 2 times the second year and that's been the last sexual contact we've had. We haven't had sex for 9 years. He told me it was cause he couldn't stand having sex with me. We ended up adopting 3 great boys who I just love so much. But that hasn't been easy either. About 3 years ago I began to let all the anger and vent up hurt come out. He's told me now I'm just mean cause I don't keep things bottled up. He tells me now that he can't get an erection to have sex if he wanted. He's also told me that the only reason he married me was cause his best friend got married and was having a baby and he didn't want to be left behind. He isn't out looking for a partner, he wants the basic home, wife, kids life. I'm angry that I was not allowed to have children from my body. I'm angry that I feel so horrible about myself and most of that came from his cruel comments. I guess my question is two fold.... 1 ~ I'm noticing that my sexual desire is increasing in leaps and bounds since I've lost weight. Have any of you had this. 2 ~ Would this be concidered abuse? Sorry....maybe I shared wayyyyyy too much info. But I'm struggling with this and need some imput. I appreciate any imput given. Tami~

oops.....also... 3~ How do ya'll deal with the frustrations, pain, emotions and everything else we deal with, without using food. thanks!!! T~

Yes, T~ you are being abused. He is trying to turn the tables on you, trying to manipulate your emotions. If you are angry, what gives him the right to say you can't express that... He has with held intimacy from you for 9 years (and the better part of 11 years) so it sounds like he is selfish as well. From what you have described... that is a deal breaker. Take your kids and go or better yet, pak his crap and let him collect it at the curb. If he is this cruel to you, I'm sure he is not father of the year to your 3 little ones. Not to mention the hidden messages he is sending them on how to act like a man and how to treat a woman with respect and how to have a healthy relationship. From what I have read, the libido goes way up post op. I can't say from experience (broke up from an abusive relationship and I am DONE!!!) but I have read many many many posts where they are just giddy that their sex lives have just exploded. I may be wrong but I'm gonna tell ya from the heart... get out!!! (or kick him out) The relationship is already over and you do not deserve to be treated as a device in which he wipes his boots!!! You have made significant changes in your life for the better... don't be tied down with a jerk who is an emotional cripple and wants to keep you under his thumb!!! You deserve better and your little ones deserve better!!! You have proven you have courage... now just get your ducks in a row and do what you have to do! Wanda

I don't know about mental abuse in your childhood but you sure have had it in your marriage. I was abused also, physically, sexually, mentally. Mental abuse also goes in hand with physical abuse. When you are being physically abused you are often being told how horrible and bad you are. From the type of guy you married, I would say maybe sexual abuse. Many sexual abuse survivors whether conscious of it or not marry gay men. The sex pressure isn't there as much with them. I think it is natural for you to feel more sexy as you lose weight. I don't know from experience though cause I am pre-op. If you ever want to talk just e-mail me.

hi tami! yes, you are being put through mental abuse. nobody can tell you when you've had enough. only you can make that decision. once you've begun to lose weight, your sex drive increases. mine went through the roof! i felt better physically and mentally. i felt "Sexy" again. talk to your husband. is he willing to go to a councelor? do "you" want to, or is the marriage too far gone? if you ever need to talk, email me. kitten

Bless you Tami you are in a pickle Your husband is drowning in self hate surrounding his homosexual behavior. He is not emotionally or physically able to respond to women and so he has decided to take that out on you Do not take his crap he has convinced you that you are less than a woman that you are unatractive and he has stolen your confidence in your womanly wiles get your hair and nails done invest in a cute outfit get a best friend to help you one with good taste and a sexy edge. and go out on the town one night Do not pick up any guys you are vulnerable and your vibe may attract another loser at first. Get used to male attention and admiration before making the plunge you need to feel deserving not grateful or scared. Start journaling write all the wonderful things that you do, mother, caretaker, cook, counselor, even wife to an ungrateful undeserving sick man. give yourself a pat on the back for all of your accomplishments day to day. Put words in a bag like committment, discipline, love, prosperity, justice, family,confidence, sincerity, discernment, self esteem, contentment etc. each week take a word look it up in the dictionary and meditate on that word what it means and how it fits in your life look to incorporate that element into your life on a daily basis. If you can read acts of faith Daily meditations for people of color by Iyanla Vanzant it will inspire you trust me The key is to start loving yourself despite the bad childhood and the failing marriage start to be responsible for your happiness right now make the decision to control the outcome of the rest of your life and to hell with anyone that gets in your way