It's been a while...

I have been in hiding. My father (main perp) passed away on his birthday..12/17/04 He just went in his sleep. He was struggling with cancer. I am glad that he is no longer in pain, I decided to be a part of his life after several years of not having contact, I felt that I needed to be with him for the last part of his life. I have not cried one tear except at the memorial. I cry about alot of other things, I dont know why I do not cry. Do I miss him? Yes very much. I am so very confused about all of these feelings. Part of me doesnt feel safe even though he is gone. Some of my littles say he is now able to "see" us where as before, he couldnt. It is tough all around. Still havent had surgery..I think Ive given up. Im sorry...i failed you daddy.

Love yourself Free yourself Love yourself again and again. you did not fail anyone you are doing the best that you can with the information that you have. You are not bad or flawed or terrible stop holding on to your pain and continue to work on your happiness. on integrating all of yourself, you are a broken arrow but you can fly straight and choose your path the abuse is not you Donna is more than a survivor I do not know you but I know this. now live, choose to bury some of that pain with your father. choose to breathe again and not be scared. he is not around a corner lurking he is dead. He caused you suffering then he suffered (cancer? life?) died and was buried you can jump in with him or you can fight and live. Maybe your surgery choice is not the right one for you at this time. I am choosing a two part procedure the first part restrictive 6-8 months later if I choose I will continue with the malabsortion surgical portion. This helps me adjust to the social and physical changes at a pace that suits me. It offfers me a sense of control over my body and my progress and it works well with my high bmi 56. and since I have discovered this option I notice that I have not put any road blocks in my journey toward surgery and a new life. I am calm and ready. I hope that you achieve the peace and well being that you deserve I hope that you realize you deserve it and that only you can give it to yourself no doctor no surgery nothing. choose to love yourself choose to heal. Some books that have helped me are acts of faith by Iyanla Vanzant Woman thou art loosed the book the movie and the special edition womans bible all by Bishop td jakes The courage to Heal an incredible book for survivors of abuse. check these out in your local library or bookstore. Explore the good in you. pamper yourself get your hair done nails, and feet. treat yourself to a movie or a walk in the park love yourself like you are because you will still be the same person at 120 220 or420 the only difference will be the candy coating. Go to bbw parties in your area and get used to male attention because 100 pounds later more men will be talking to you scaring you. you have to learn how to navigate the world alongside the opposite sex and still mantain your composure. You are not a little girl you are a grown behind woman and these men have no power over you unless you give it to them. So learn how to accept a compliment smile and move on without having a panic attack. I am talking to you as a fellow survivor who has been to therapy and read the books and made some very conscience decisions to love myself. Journal, read positive statements, write them, control your self talk, and take the time to develop your inner grown up. thats right develop an inner grownup to parent those sometimes unruly inner little ones that we all have we cannot allow there fears to become our realities. we have to believe that we are equipped to handle life, we are entitled to it. no one is more capable mentally or otherwise than we are. that ******* stole your childhood, your innocence, he made the monsters in the closet real do not allow anyone to steal the the rest of your life. love yourself, choose to live

First, I totally agree with the first post - I am enforcing her thoughts. Second, I am also very confused by your words. I don't understand - if he was the main perp - how in this whole wide world can you believe YOU failed HIM!!!!!?????????? That is farthest from the truth - please stop believing that right now! I am not going to say anything negative about him cause you obviously have forgiven him and feel very upset at his passing but on a very positive note - You are everything BUT a failure. You have survived and lived. Get some help so you can start believing that in yourself. You deserve it. Kelly