Yikes

I was looking in the mirror yesterday and it became very apparent that a woman is starting to pop out of my wasting away body. My immediate thought was of being weak and defenseless. It really does amaze me how the weight was able to block the realization that I am a woman. I'm on the edge of being concerned and pray that I don't go into full time sabotage mode. I'd really like to have a chance to be normal. Last week one of my childhood abusers died. I felt a mix of normal grief and relief that the secret is dead with that person. Sure there are others still alive. It was weird because he died and I have always tried to kill myself. I guess it is a case of feeling it should have been me but also relieved. I just don't understand why us victims of childhood sexual abuse continue to blame ourselves. We were little defenseless children and there was no one to protect us.

I have never been sexualy abused, but I did watch my father abuse my Mom. I know how you feel about the "mixed emotions" on one hand I hate my father and on the other hand when he got sick I had to be there for him, now that he is a little better, I have pulled way back again. The day that my dad moved out of my house when I was 12, was the worst day of my life, he moved out on fathers day, It was also the best day of my life. I cried the next day when I was alone, mostly from relife that the hitting and throwing would stop. My mom is a very small person and weighed all of around 100lbs. when the abuse was the worst, she used to bring me pudding or ice cream after my dad would pass out. I am her only child and she just tried to make me happy. this is the first year that I invited him to go out for fathers day, he didn't show, he was drunk. I knew that he probly wouldn't, but that 12 yr old in me wanted him to. I made sure I didn't marry a man like my father, I watched my husband and his father for years before I married him. Keep working on healing yourself, you are worth the trouble. Chris in NE

Absolutely.... I know that when my grandfather died 1 1/2 years ago, this was a VERY stressful time. For me, his dying meant that I would never hear the words "yes it happened" nor "I'm sorry"...