I think Im sabotaging myself :(

I was told by my surgeon that I lose 15-20 pounds or no surgery. Well this was Jan 8th. As you can see, I am still pre op. I am terrified to lose weight. I dont want to be hurt again. I dont wanna be groped, gawked at, grabbed, or even looked at. That sounds concieted I know. I am just plain scared, and I think this is my way of a slow suicide. My dad (perp) is dying of cancer and although I love him dearly, many others with me dont. ( We are DID/MPD) I really want this surgery, but my actions say otherwise. I dream of being free from pain in the joints and muscles. I dream of sleeping without feeling like im going to suffocate. Can anyone relate? I cant ever have a normal relationship because my idea of sex is so screwed up from the sexual/incest and being a victim of child *****grapy. Somtimes I want to curl up and just go away forever.

Donna, I put on my weight as a protection from the abuse. Every diet failed because of my fear of taking it off. I had my surgery because of a lymphedema problem not to necessarily to lose weight. I am now down 100 lbs. I still think I sabotage myself because I should have done much better but . . . Even though I am still messed up from childhood and even though I will probably be eternally in therapy one thing you have to keep reminding yourself. You are an adult now. Your not little and defenseless. You can do this! I am totally amazed that 100 lbs down and still losing I'm not totally hysterical all the time. Your night traumas are similar to mine. It took 4 years of therapy to get free from them. Give yourself a chance. You're not at fault and don't deserve to be punished for the rest of your life. Lyn

Thank you Lyn, Its nice to have somone to reply. I appreciate you sharing with me, although I am sad to hear that you went through abuse as well. I am very aware of the many things I do to make the body safe and of course being morbidly obese is one of them. I have to buckle down and get with the program, drop this weight and do what I have to do for my health. Even if im scared to death. take care Lyn, and I hope to talk again soon. Donna preop

Hi Donna! So so sorry I've been away from this board for so long. I/we've been keeping super busy in the CA state message board and the GastricBypass-PostOp YahooGroup and to some extent the GastricBypass-AbuseSurvivors YahooGroup. I can TOTALLY relate to all that you write here. Well, at least I could prior to surgery. Since my/our surgery a year ago, it's better understand that I am an adult now and can say "no", whereas I couldn't do that as a child. Also, losing the weight, while scary in some ways, opens the door to MANY wonderful things. My teen parts are enjoying looking good having lost 188 lbs in the last year. And my littles, who I was worried about as they love certain foods, don't miss those foods much as they can do all sorts of fun things they couldn't before - like running, skipping, going on rides at Disneyland, etc. Never say never.... With time and learning to love yourself and your body, things can get soooooooo much better. For the longest, my system would have terrible flashbacks. It was a terrifying time. But since surgery, things have gotten so so much better. Sending safe hugs for all those who want them and smiles for everyone, Caroline http://tinyurl.com/bkld

Caroline, but isn't is scary? --Tiggy

Hi Donna! I just found this site today, I was looking for something else and I just stumbled across this one and starting reading. I hadn't really thought about my abuse issues in quite sometime, yet I know that they have contributed to my weight problem. I was physically and sexually abused growing up and in my 20's from my dad, uncle, neighbors, brothers, ex-husband, almost every man I had in my life played a part in one way or another. I have had counseling over the years (when my daughter was abused by my ex-husband) and I have recently taken classes at church for deliverance from strongholds. The Lord has freed me from so many things that used to have control of my life. There is a scripture in Jeremiah 29:11 that has meant so much to me as I have been on this journey toward WLS. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD , "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." When I read this, it was like God was speaking directly to me. I have claimed this scripture and it is what keeps me going towards a new life. I am praying that I will be able to have surgery soon. I totally understand where you are coming from, I have asked myself the question so many times...if I REALLY wanted to lose weight, why do I keep sabotaging myself. There are times that I fear if I really do lose the weight, how will I deal with the all attention? Will I be able to make moral choices (never have before). I am a different person now, I pray that my spiritual maturity is such that I will be able to make healthy choices in relationships when the opportunity arises. In the past I was so desperate to have someone love me, that I degraded myself in the process. I will keep you in my prayers, I pray that you will be able to see yourself as God does, He loves us no matter what we look like. For our health's sake I pray that if this surgery is God's will for our lives, then things will come together and go smoothly and with restored health we will have the life that God intended us to have and as it says in John 10:10 "The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly." God Bless You Donna! Sara