DID?

Hi I am 43 yrs old and have no childhood memories.Well i have a few but very few.People talk about how they did this as a child or that as a child.I honestly remember almost nothing.Things i do are no fun to remember.My parents drunk all the time,my dad drunk and trying to touch me where he shouldn't,drunk male friends of theirs trying the same things.i set and wonder alot anymore if maybe the trying to didn;t go farther and i have just blocked it all out.My mother was very verbally abusive and blamed me for any fights her and my dad had.Could she have known what was going on and this was her way of blameing me? when i was younger i would run around and have sex with anyone just to feel loved,now im older and i hate sex .i feel like i have became this huge ugly person just so my husband wont want to touch me. I would really like to know if anything did happen but don't know how to go about finding out.i am not a people person,i dont trust anyone,i like being alone. I set at home 24/7 because i dont wanna deal with people.i feel like a complete failure and feel worthless.Guess i just feel sorry for myself.My husband tells me i have a dual personality,i think its cuz im so moody .one min im happy and laughing next min im pissed off and yelling. Sorry for rambling I know none of this probably makes any sense,just needed to say somethings Thanks for listening to me Debbie

Hi Debbie, I know all to well what your going through. One of the things that helped me was seeing a therapist. I am currently not in therapy now though. I also isolate and dont go out. I have fought alot of feelings for a long time. I remember a great deal, but for many years I didnt. It is common for survivors to block out alot of things, its a survival mechinism. You can email me if you like and we can talk that way. Donna

Debbie, I became a huge ugly person so NO ONE would want to touch me. Unfortunately (or otherwise), it worked. I don't envy my therapist when the reality of my weight loss start****ting me. 6 weeks out, and I'm still not sure I want to be doing this. Actually -- part of me absolutely positively does NOT want to be doing this. Another part of me is excited about possibilities. Angry. Terrified. Excited. Cycling over and over and over... (with some numbness thrown in so I don't implode) --Tiggy

It makes perfect sense to me. But then I AM DID. Arlene

Hi Debbie, I am so sorry that you were abused as a child. I was also abused and had very few memories of childhood. Please be careful if you look for a therapist. First of all, the memories you DO have are bad enough. I believe that we need to respect our mind's ability to protect us, and not try to force memories. They will come when you feel safe and are ready for them. Additionally, it is important that you are careful about seeing a therapist. I saw one who, after blurring the boundaries and initiating some unethical behavior, caused me to believe that I was DID and a victim of Satanic Ritual Abuse by my parents. I lost my family as a result of this therapist. He was put on probation and I sued him. There are some wonderful therapists out there. I went back to school, earned my Masters Degree in Clinical Psychology and became one, too! I think the important thing is to honor the memories you do have, nuture yourself and that child that you were. Appropriate therapy would be a great thing. Just be careful. DID became a disorder too often diagnosed by therapists looking for it. You don't need to be retraumatized by forcing memories or dealing with an unethical therapist. Best wishes. Take good care of you! Joy