anorexia/eating disorders

Hi,

I was wondering if any of you know of any support groups on OH for people with anorexia?  I had many many years of bulimia and compulsive overeating/binge eating.   I had a good 7-8 years of recovery and was stable when I was ok'd for my sleeve in 2010.  I stayed active in my groups and with my therapist through all this weightloss.  I am 5'9, larger frame and I run and lift weights ALOT, I got down to a low of 170 and hung out normally in the 180's for a few years.  I was solidly in size 12 and I got positive feedback about how I looked.  I felt strong too.  Still tough on myself for not being "there" yet (have since learned that "there" is unattainable because in my head the mirror tells me another 5-10 NO MATTER what I weigh.)

I had many serious complications with my sleeve which meant I couldnt eat many times and spent a few months multiple times on IV feedings.  I had awful GERD and developed ulcerations in my esophagus and had an awful time with food getting stuck.  I had many aspiration pneumonias from choking on acid when I slept.  I had a successful revision to a RNY last January.  Totally took care of my physical symptoms.  My oldest daughter got married last March and I was hoping to lose another 10 lbs or so to make goal before the wedding.  I did :-)   After the wedding my daughter and I had a misunderstanding (she lives with her husband across the country from me) and she completely wrote me off.  Cut of all contact with my husband and me, our younger children and my mother and sister.  I can't even explain how devastating this has been.  I literally feel like my heart is broken.

Since then I have lost another 30 + lbs.  I am down to mid 140's/size 6.  I was very ill this summer and was in the hospital much of this summer because I had a gall stone stuck in my common bile duct.  Because of my 2 bariatric surgeries it was horrible trying to get the stone out.  4 hideous procedures one of which they nicked my portal vein, I hemorrhaged and spent a week in ICU.  I had an awful billiary stent and drainage bag for about 9 weeks.  I was back on TPN feedings when I was in the hospital but when I would come out I was too terrified to give myself the TPN because I did not want to gain weight.  I am a RN.  I know the risks, I know my thoughts are cognitive distortions.  I know that I am too weak to exercise/weight lift which used to be a sense of pride and joy for me.   It was so easy to stop eating because eating made me feel so nauseated and caused intense abd pain.  Then I got so much positive feedback for my weight loss. "look how tiny you are"  I was just about 400 lbs  -- I don't understand the word tiny... but it fed my eating disorder to hear it a lot.  I am afraid to eat what I need because I am afraid if I start eating enough it will be too much and I will gain my weight back.  I get that is crazy.  I still think that way.  I do have a great ed therapist and I am back in 2 groups a week now.  I have started eating a bit more the past 2 weeks but I am still losing.  I went back to work last Friday after being out all summer and some of the nurses I work with took me aside and were concerned whether or not I have cancer.  My bariatric surgeon said he thought I should be 160-170.  I can't believe I am back in this hole after so many years of recovery.  I am very competent and capable.  I am strong.  This is not me.  My albumin is low and I know it is just eating my muscles I worked so hard to get.

Anyway, my groups are great but none of them know what it is like to be a size 4x/34 and then a 6.  It screws with your brain.  WLS, the foods we need to eat, the vitamins... it is just a whole different ball game.  I thought it might be nice if their were others who were struggling with ED's (not that I would ever wish this on another) so we could support each other in recovery.  It is really hard.  

Thanks for reading.

Hi there

I don't have the same issue but I think you might get better response if you post it again under the general discussion forum just letting people know that you are wanting to hear from others who may have experienced the same thing or similar.

There are plenty of people who can understand the mind games that occur post surgery and i have seen several discuss their struggles with binge eating disorder or body dysmorphia. 

Good luck