Depression

I've been really struggling with depression the past few days now. I have called out of work the past 2 days now. I need help. I need to see a therapist, I know I do. I've needed to see one for some time now. I have been going off plan eating things I know I should not for a few weeks now & they have slowly been creeping into my life for the past few months now. Carbs! Why can't I just say no Jen you don't need that it is bad for you & that be the end of it. I've started hiding what I eat too which I did before surgery because I'm embarressed of what I'm eating or how much I'm eating. My husband tries to help me when we go grocery shopping by saying you don't need that, which I appreciate but at the same time I'm like who are you to tell me what I can eat & I wait till I go shopping alone & buy it. I'm a food addict & I'm admitting it today. I think about food too much & what I'm eating next. I wish I couldn't smell then it would all taste bad & I would just eat to survive. I know thats how I need to look at it. Food as fuel not for pleasure. I know this surgery was a tool & it doesn't fix our heads. I need help & tomorrow when I go for my 1 year visit I'm going to talk to my surgeon about seeing a therapist. I don't like letting people down or myself for that matter & everytime I do wrong I feel so bad & hate myself for it but it doesn't stop me from doing wrong again. I type this with tears streaming down my face. I've been so emotional the past couple of days & finally I broke down talking to my husband this morning. He tells me just make yourself stop doing those things. He doesn't understand at all. It's not that simple. You tell a drug addict, alcoholic or gambler to just stop doing it. Yeah right! It's just as much an addiction as any of the above stated & not easily stopped. I hate hate hate myself. I like to make everyone think everything is going so great & I've got this down, but no I don't. I did really well in the beginning but now I'm a wreck. I do pretty good during the day but at night is when I binge & mostly in my room. I take an assortment of crap to my room & a meal, well what would be a meal for us & will sit & watch TV & eat over a few hours before going to sleep. This was my thing before RNY it is my way of winding down the day before sleeping. I also have to take a lot of sleep aid to sleep, which my doctor told me was ok if it helped me sleep. I kinda find that weird, but whatever. I am currently on 40mg of Celexa a day for depression but I don't know that it is working well now. I told my PCP last month I think it needs adjusted but at the same time I was having issues with the hernias & he wanted to wait & see if it was just the pain causing my sad feelings. I'm laying it all out here to you all because you all are the only ones in my life that can kinda understand. My husband says I am on this forum too much & that its all he sees me looking at when I'm on the computer. I told him I have to because y'all are the only ones I can relate to with this surgery. He just doesn't understand. We moved to ND & I left all my family in NC so its just my kids & my husband & myself here. Nobody else. I feel stupid because I know I'm smarter than this. I know whats right & what to do. My husband said I need to find a hobby that doesn't revolve around food. Why can't I be addicted to exercise? That would be much better. I did get a membership at our local family wellness center which I did go on Monday night with my son who is 11 & is excited about getting fit & the fact that there is an indoor pool doesn't hurt. He is wanting to get up at 5am in the mornings & go with me whereas my daughter & husband could care less about going. I haven't exercised this whole time & now it's time for me to start. I am proud of me going shopping last night with my kids & bought no junk, not that I didn't want to believe me. I told myself Jen this cycle of distructivness has to stop now. Then when we were done shopping in my head I wanted to go to DQ & get a mini reese blizzard. I stopped myself again & said NO. Why can't I just stop thinking about food. It's all mental. Sorry for rambling on & on about my messed up head but it helped me to write it all out & be accountable to somebody for this. Thanks!

Sounds like you are on the right track.  You have done excellent with your weight loss so far.  Don't give up.  I have a food addiction too.  I just realized that reading your post, I do all the same things.  I don't hide what I eat, but I buy a lot of junk food.  I have found that eating before I go grocery shopping helps, and make a list of what you need.  Hang in there.  Barb