Need mental health help...haven't posted here before.
Hey all,
I am having a rough week and thought I'd turn here to seek advice and encouragement.
I am nearing 3 months since my surgery and have lost a good bit of weight and feel very different than I did before.
My relationship with my wife has been shakey for years, and still is. We have seen a counselor a few times over the last couple months, but the Holidays got in the way and we haven't been back for a while.
I cannot talk to her constructively without a third party moderator present. We fight a lot and I'm getting sick with the repressed feelings I have to deal with in not being able to address my anger with her. I used to deal with that anger by going to lunch by myself and stuffing my face with a giant plate of chicken fajita nachos...now, I can't/don't do that.
Two MAJOR issues in our marriage:
There is a lack of respect from both sides of our relationship. I do all kinds of stuff around the house to help out, and work two jobs, and feel completely unappreciated. She does a lot too, and feels unappreciated as well.
I hate our lack of sex life. When I was over 300 pounds she told me (out of hate and anger) that I was 'too fat to **** ' Well, she said that she didn't mean that and apologized for it. But, of course, I have never let that comment go. Now that I'm "skinny" (her words) she still won't f*ck me, and rejects me a lot. It sucks getting rejected. It sucks being so frustrated sexually that everything else around me is an anger trigger. Each night we go to bed and there's AGAIN no sex, I get more and more angry. Then, her throwing laundry in the middle of the floor, instead in the hamper, ****** me off and I stew on that anger. She told me the other day, after I told her I went to bed late because I had to have sex with myself again, that the 'average' married couple only has sex once a month...well...half of the 'average' couples get divorced!!! How the hell is that a legitimate excuse. We don't do it anywhere near once a month, by the way. If one person needs it more than once a week, then how is aiming for once a month going to be satisfactory at all???
I don't know what I expect from this group, as I haven't read a lot of the posts here, but perhaps there's someone who can offer a little advice and ease my MENTAL HEALTH.
Chad
I am having a rough week and thought I'd turn here to seek advice and encouragement.
I am nearing 3 months since my surgery and have lost a good bit of weight and feel very different than I did before.
My relationship with my wife has been shakey for years, and still is. We have seen a counselor a few times over the last couple months, but the Holidays got in the way and we haven't been back for a while.
I cannot talk to her constructively without a third party moderator present. We fight a lot and I'm getting sick with the repressed feelings I have to deal with in not being able to address my anger with her. I used to deal with that anger by going to lunch by myself and stuffing my face with a giant plate of chicken fajita nachos...now, I can't/don't do that.
Two MAJOR issues in our marriage:
There is a lack of respect from both sides of our relationship. I do all kinds of stuff around the house to help out, and work two jobs, and feel completely unappreciated. She does a lot too, and feels unappreciated as well.
I hate our lack of sex life. When I was over 300 pounds she told me (out of hate and anger) that I was 'too fat to **** ' Well, she said that she didn't mean that and apologized for it. But, of course, I have never let that comment go. Now that I'm "skinny" (her words) she still won't f*ck me, and rejects me a lot. It sucks getting rejected. It sucks being so frustrated sexually that everything else around me is an anger trigger. Each night we go to bed and there's AGAIN no sex, I get more and more angry. Then, her throwing laundry in the middle of the floor, instead in the hamper, ****** me off and I stew on that anger. She told me the other day, after I told her I went to bed late because I had to have sex with myself again, that the 'average' married couple only has sex once a month...well...half of the 'average' couples get divorced!!! How the hell is that a legitimate excuse. We don't do it anywhere near once a month, by the way. If one person needs it more than once a week, then how is aiming for once a month going to be satisfactory at all???
I don't know what I expect from this group, as I haven't read a lot of the posts here, but perhaps there's someone who can offer a little advice and ease my MENTAL HEALTH.
Chad
HW: 316 / SW: 294 / CW: 197.5 / GW: 195
First 5K: 29:50 mins. on 3/12/11 (4 month surgiversary)
First 5K: 29:50 mins. on 3/12/11 (4 month surgiversary)
My husband and I did marital therapy for years, but ended up divorced. I had some serious mental health issues, in addition to my obesity.
Get back to the marriage counseling, and ask your wife about the lack of sex there. Suggest a romantic getaway, just the two of you, See how she feels about that.
It sounds like you should also do some individual therapy, to help you learn appropriate coping skills for your anger, because lashing out at her is not going to make her horny. Raging at her will push her away from you sexually, not draw her closer.
Trish Reilly
Seek always to do some good, somewhere. Every man has to seek in his own way to realize his true worth. You must give some time to your fellow man. For remember, you don't live in a world all your own. Your brothers are here too.
Albert Schweitzer
Albert Schweitzer
I suggest going back to marriage counseling and making it a real priority. I'm in counseling, have been for a number of years, and I do through the holiday season. Yeah, it's a busy time. But we still do what we believe is most important, right?
I also suggest you get some individual counseling. You're having trouble finding ways to deal with feelings, including anger. Which is not at all unusual once we can't deal with them by overeating. But you gotta find new ways to deal with your feelings, and that's your work, not the work of you and your wife as a couple. Know what I mean?
Kelly
I also suggest you get some individual counseling. You're having trouble finding ways to deal with feelings, including anger. Which is not at all unusual once we can't deal with them by overeating. But you gotta find new ways to deal with your feelings, and that's your work, not the work of you and your wife as a couple. Know what I mean?
Kelly
I can't offer any solutions. I suck at relationships and I am at a 100% failure rate so far at them. Ha ha.
I just wanted to encourage you to get therapy so you can learn other ways to cope with all those feelings. Stuffing them down doesn't help anything get better. Hugs and encouragement to you. In couples therapy mostly work on the communication at first. Once you get where you can talk to each other about things without total communication shut down, you will use the communication to work out all the other things piling up. Know what I mean? If you can't talk, then the problems you can't talk about out just pile up.
Sometimes you hit a breaking point and just would rather be alone.
I have. I'm getting old and crotchety though. I will turn into a mean old lady and just knit afghans and collect cats. :)
I just wanted to encourage you to get therapy so you can learn other ways to cope with all those feelings. Stuffing them down doesn't help anything get better. Hugs and encouragement to you. In couples therapy mostly work on the communication at first. Once you get where you can talk to each other about things without total communication shut down, you will use the communication to work out all the other things piling up. Know what I mean? If you can't talk, then the problems you can't talk about out just pile up.
Sometimes you hit a breaking point and just would rather be alone.
I have. I'm getting old and crotchety though. I will turn into a mean old lady and just knit afghans and collect cats. :)
Hey Chad. IM sorry yuor having auch a rough time . Im not married but have delt with atlot of relationship issues. I had a teacher suggest the book Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. His work is amazing. I find that the book gives you ways to please your partner by finding out what they complain about the most and using it to your advantage. From readin your post i believe you may be an acts of service type of person. Check it out. I dont know if this is going to help with the sex issue but maybe itll help in some way!
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