I just realized I am feeling blue...

Back in 2004 I told my mother I was ready to get Gastric Bypass, that I was finally comfortable accepting that I in fact needed help.  My mother had always been positive when dealing with an obese daughter.  She may not have been June Cleaver, but she was never cruel about my weight issues. 

My mom was happy, telling me she had one regret in life, that having been diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer, she would not get to see her daughter at a "normal weight".  It just hit me today, that it will be six years since my mother died, and I put off surgery mainly because I felt I had more important things to do - taking care of my mother and my daughter.  I actually thought I would already have had my surgery by June or July this year, and I still do not have a surgery date before my 43rd birthday.  It just hit me, and kind of hard.

My daughter is almost "all grown up," in college and away from home for more than a couple weeks for the first time.  I am trying to smile and be patient, I know things take time, and remind myself "Next year will be different!"

I was born on my mothers' birthday, and sadly she died the day before our birthday, so September is always a hard month for me.  Here, I thought I had finally gotten all the tears done with, but I am wiping my eyes and blubbering to a bunch of strangers.  This is just how I work through things, I guess.  Putting my feelings out there, so I can finally stop sucking them down.  It has been a strange six years, but I think I am finally ready to do something just for me.

The reason I am writing this is to tell others to stop putting their lives on hold.  It took me a lot longer to get over my grief, but I am moving forward to show I am doing all right, now.  Living with regret is probably the worst thing anyone can do -- so learn from me, start living life for YOU!

I am making the second half of my life my new project!  Not letting myself talk me out of things, and doing all the things I thought I would be doing as an adult!  The very best thing you can do for those who love you - is to REALLY love who YOU are!

Brenda  : )~

Hi Seattle-Maui,

I just read your post and wanted to respond.  I'm sorry your Mom died a few years ago, especially just before your B-days.  I can imagine this time of year being especially difficult for you.  Strange thing about grief:  I think it comes on stronger as we discover more about ourselves than at other times, even years later.  Sometimes it takes a while for things to "hit", maybe because now you are less busy taking care of others (daughter off to college?). 

I too turned 43 this year and decided that I was really ready to have WLS.  I had realized my obesity was really taking a toll on me and I had looked into WLS 3 yrs ago, even gotten through to pre-op, but obstacles just seemed to crop out of nowhere to prevent it.  After several months of waiting and postponements (Dr's, not mine), I decided it was not the right time.  I felt very disappointed and depressed.  Looking back, I really can't say if it would have been better for me to have done it then or not.  Like you, I do now believe that I need to do what's right/healthy for me, but I also know that there are times when others need me more than at other times, and that sometimes self-sacrifice is necessary (my youngest was 3 at the time and money was also tighter, a pblm for self-pay).

I'm sorry you regret not doing this 6 yrs ago, for yourself and for your mom and daughter.  Perhaps it would have been good, perhaps not.  Now that I did do it, I must say that it does take up a lot of emotional energy to try to get a handle on eating, with lots of ups & downs after the surgery.  At times, I get very "snappy" and irritable, so I'm glad my son and daughter are more independent and I have more time to myself to deal with stress, not to mention exercise and "head shrinking".  Financially, we are in a better position, so the cost of the procedure was also less stressful for us as a family.

Anyway, I guess I'm simply saying that there may be good reasons for you to be doing this now rather than 6 years ago, and please don't be harder on yourself because you feel you let yourself/mom/daughter down earlier.  You are here now, and by the sound of it, in a very good place to make all these positive changes for yourself.  It is the right time for your journey of self-discovery and new personal achievements.

I hope you get your WLS soon and are able to find/fulfill all your dreams!

Hey Metamorph ;)

It is funny to step back & look at things as objectively as possible.  Sometimes I see fault in my behavior, but most often I see things in a positive light.

I guess I am my own worst critic!  Have you ever noticed seeing someone elses life helps put your own into perspective?  For me, I tend toward "tunnel vision" when I start researching any subject - ha ha - so I seek out all sorts of media to get my informational "fix" ;)

Life is good.  Glad you are able to finally get on with your journey -- and I can relate to the snappiness!  I have actually wondered if it was physical or just emotional reactions to removing our former "drug of choice" - FOOD.  I know when I am hungry, I can be absolutely brutal to people.  It is the hardest addiction to overcome, mainly because you need food to live -- whereas cigarrettes/alcohol - et al, a body can survive without.  Part of me questions if it is mostly or all addiction. 

My body deffinitely processes differently from others, as I have others to compare with, which is why I am choosing RNY over Sleve or Banding.  I wish you MUCH success!  Thanks for writing back ;)

Brenda  : )~

Dear Brenda,

I know your original post was many weeks ago but I am looking at this forum (mental health) because I needed some advice on a therapist but I just wanted to say that your words and situation have moved me.  You are an inspiration and very brave to put your thoughts out there!  Thank you for sharing your thoughts becuase they have helped me.  I grieved for a long time about many things and now I realize that I can not grive anymore; we are blessed with life and I am going to make the most of it. 

I hope all goes well with your surgery!!

Hello Nette!

Well thanks, I am one of those people who tries to face my fears, and if it helps at least one person, writing about my experiences & thoughts makes it worth it.

All people suffer from grief at one point in their lives, and those of us who are ready (or getting ready) to take surgical or non-surgical steps to face their issues with obesity sometimes benefit from conversation -- the Internet Blogging seems to help me.

Being able to live in your own skin is paramount - whether you choose to lose the excess weight, or live with it.  For me, I am finally to the point that the weight is making me physically uncomfortable, and having looked inward, I am finally ready.  Being emotionally ready is just as improtant as being physically ready.  seeing some of my friends not ready, I have been able to learn from their experiences.

Sure, I have issues I still need therapy for, but I can say that I am more ready for surgical intervention than I ever was.  Dealing with emotional eating, dulling the senses with food, is something thin & obese alike need to learn to work through - but those of us are obese really need to get to the root of this problem.  Like any other choice of "drug," food can be abused.  The difficult thing: WE ALL NEED FOOD TO SURVIVE, so it isn't just a matter of quitting "cold turkey" (Ooooo, what a metaphor!)

Can you be obese & healthy?  Many can.  Can you be thin & unhealthy?  Many can.  It is a balancing act - exercise, nutrition, emotional awareness --- this is my goal.  I can live with being in a BMI that calls me Overweight, but having a BMI of a Super Morbid Obese person is just what I cannot physically carry around.

May you find a path that works for you!!!  I just hope I can get on the path, and journey healthfully to the end of my days!

Brenda  : )~