Yesterday really scared me! PLEASE READ!!!

Hello everyone!  This is my very first post on this website.  I live in So Cal and I'm currently attending an Options program through Kaiser.  This is a mandatory requirement for my Kaiser insurance. This is a 20 week class once a week for 1 1/2 hrs.  We go over things to expect post surgery, go over nutrition and excercise, lose 10% of our weight prior to surgery etc.  

I've been SO excited and very eager to get this over and done with so I can finally have my surgery!  Yesterday was the first class that actually scared me!!  We watched a brief special of a lady that was on the Dr. Phil talk show and she was post surgery out 4 months.  She was saying that she was expecting a miracle and she's depressed and she wigs out on her husband all the time etc.  We also talked about the mental part of this process yesterday and that terrified me. 
It terrified me because everything our instructor talked about was totally ME! 

I've had HORRIBLE self esteem issues since before I can remember.  I do NOT like myself on the outside, never have.  I hate to look in a mirror because I get disgusted.  In class we talked about WHY you put on weight.  One of the answers was to push people away and keep them at a distance.  That's ME!!  I've never been able to let myself get close to someone intimately because if I can't stand my ugly self, then why and how could anyone else.  I do not take compliments well at all!!  I think people just say things to be nice or try to uplift me.  I never believe what they say.  I very rarely ever go out.  I've become a total homebody and it's just been getting worse.  I always think people are looking at me and talking behind my back or thinking in their heads "this chick needs to be locked up in a fat farm".  (You might be laughing or thinking I'm ridiculous, but this is how I am and exactly how I feel). 

I just turned 31 and I feel and act like I'm 60+.  I've lost friends due to my lack of wanting a social life.  I refuse everyone's offers to go out or I just plain out flake on them.  Trust me, I WANT to go, but I'm just not "good enough" to go out and have fun.  I'm TOO embarrassed! 

Anyway, with my numerous years of depression and anxiety I'm a bit scared of what I will feel mentally, post surgery.  I will not know how I will react when I get compliments.  I don't know if I will ever feel that "I" look good.  I'm scared of saggy, hanging skin - especially more LOOSE back fat!  I lost 50 lbs once on Weigh****chers and I couldn't handle the compliments and I had loose back fat and it really got to me!   I looked 'ok' but as soon as I turned around all my gross back fat was seen through my shirts!!!!  I KNOW there will be saggy skin, but I'm still scared.

As you can tell from reading this, I've struggled with liking myself for most of life.  I want to know if anyone has had these problems BEFORE surgery and how you're dealing with them now, after surgery.  Were you as bad as me in the self esteem department????  I feel so alone with my feelings and not sure anyone can relate.  

Thanks so much for reading and any advice and input will be greatly appreciated!

MQ