mother in law issues

I have been married for almost 9 months. My MIL was alright at first but now I think she could be evil. This woman has been holding a grudge against me and my husband for over a month that we did not even know about. Supposedly the last time we went swimming in the pool at her apartment complex we did not say thank you. I distinctly remember thanking her twice for having us over but that is not the point. The thing is we have seen, or heard about, all the relatives getting to go swimming there from my "slow" brother in law. When we ask" hey when can we come swimming again," we are told we have to ask Mom. He is allowed to invite anyone over but us. I noticed the trend today so I calmly called my MIL and asked her about the proceeding situation. I felt I was very calm and respectful when I asked what the issue was, her response was a raised voice borderline yelling about how we didn't say thank you and we were not to be allowed to visit the pool again. Blah blah blah.... I stopped listening, wanting to hang up on her I handed the phone to my husband who got to hear her yell. I don't understand why she would wait over a month to discuss her anger over a "thank you." It just sounds quite petty to me. I come from a loving family that discusses situations when they arise, so this is very different for me. My husband does not like to discuss things with his mother because she just yells at him and calls his uncles to "deal with him". My husband is 27 I am 25 yet his mother treats us like we are little kids. Petty situations like this have popped up multiple times just in the last 6 months. I don't want to do or say anything to harm my husbands relationship with his Mom, as it is already very strained. This is a woman who managed to break my husband and I up 4 years ago when we were dating the first time, because she told him if he continued dating me he was disowned from the family. Before we dated this time he assured me that he would give up his whole family to spend his life with me. I have enough stress and anxiety to deal with. I am the mother of a very active 2 1/2 year old girl (that I am told how to raise and disopline) I also am diagnosed with bipolar disorder and generalized anxiety disorder, not to mention my other comorbidites associated with obesity. I am just beginning my journey to WLS I have a surgeon and have started my 6 month MD supervised diet for insurance. Any suggestions on how to deal with this. My husband seems to think sitting down and talking with her would be useless, because she will just yell at us more about "how it is her apartment and she will do what she wants." I tend to agree with his thoughts on that, but how do we address the issue of, we do not deserve to be treated like dogs and yelled at? I could care less whether I swim in that pool again or not. Hubby seems to think if we try to talk to her and explain our feelings she will tell his grandparents and uncles, that we are disrespecting her by saying our feelings or having an opinion. Then we will have to hear from them. This woman has been very controlling and manipulative since the day I met her. Any suggestions are welcome.

Just a couple of thoughts...you've got a lot going on in your own life, your daughter, your health, etc.  maybe focus on that.  The ONLY thing that you have control over in this life is how you choose to react to any given situation.  Try just being really, really nice (this is hard, trust me I know...I've been with my DH for 28 yrs. and still am very grateful that my MIL is far, far away and hates to leave her surroundings! lol), being calm, nice and not buying into the drama, just for your own sanity, might be an option to try.

I, personally, would let my husband deal with his mother and family but that is just me.  I wish you luck and hope that you find some calmness and grace!  Hugs to you...

Susan

Well thankfully my husband finally stood up to his mother yesterday and we were all able to sit down and discuss this today. The problem actually came down upon an aunt and my BIL's girlfriend .

I am sorry you are dealing with this.  I empathize, as my mom has basically cut me off in the past month.

You mentioned "BORDERLINE" in reference to your MIL.  If she is definitely borderline personality, you have your work cut out for you.  BOUNDARIES are a key issue that you must learn to set with her.  My suggestion would be for you and your husband to do several proactive things for your benefit, and the benefit of your marriage and your daughter.  

1. Read a book called "Boundaries."  I believe it is by authors Cloud and Townsend.  

2. Seek marital therapy from a licensed therapist who has experience with people who have borderline personality disorder.  You are newlyweds, and can benefit from any sane support you can avail yourselves of, AND, you, as a couple, can develop coping and communication skills for the irrational stuff MIL throws in your direction.  The therapist can be your reality anchor.

3.  Two other books that are helpful are "Understanding the Borderline Mother," by Lawson, and "Stop Walking on Eggshells," by Kreger.

I speak from having been a borderline mother.  I destroyed my marriage and hurt my children.  Thankfully, I have a terrific therapist and made some huge progress in eliminating the negative interactions, for the most part, with my children.  I have a pretty stable relationship wtih my grown children now.  We sometimes butt heads, but they are strong enough and wise enough to set the boundaries if I cross a line.  I also learned to self-examine and correct any negative thinking and behaviors.  I also have a terrific therapist who does not let me shoot myself in the foot in my behaviors.

Good luck,
Trish